Burning with love for Your greater glory!

Happy Advent and Merry Christmas!

2011-12-20T23:25:00.000-08:00

May this last week of Advent bring your heart's preparation for Christ's coming at Christmas! May his blessings be abundant in this New Year! :)

Our Halloween Announcement!

2011-10-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

We had such a great time going to our halloween parties this weekend! I think that this year we had the most creative and most rediculous costumes we've ever had. Check them out!

If you look real closely, you can see the "experation date" on my label . . .

That's right! We're "prego!" (disclaimer: I really don't ever use that word, but it made for the costume). Our due date is April 26, 2012!

If you'd like to keep up on our pregnancy, check out our pregnancy blog at http://thecatholiccradle.blogspot.com/. It will soon be made up-to-date and full of our fun stories! :)

A Tune for a . . . Thursday! - Captivate Us by Watermark

2011-08-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

This song is so pure! This is how I want to be in adoration, in prayer, in life! As this river of my life flows quickly, I pray that I have the discipline to stop and allow the Lord to Captivate me!

Your face is beautiful
And Your eyes are like the stars
Your gentle hands have healing
There inside the scars
Your loving arms they draw me near
And Your smile it brings me peace
Draw me closer oh my Lord
Draw me closer Lord to Thee

(chorus)
Captivate us, Lord Jesus
Set our eyes on You
Devastate us with Your presence
Falling down
And rushing river, draw us nearer
Holy fountain consume us with You
Captivate us Lord Jesus, with You

Your voice is powerful
And Your words are radiant bright
In Your breath and shadow
I will come close and abide
You whisper love and life divine
And Your fellowship is free
Draw me closer O my Lord
Draw me closer Lord to Thee

(chorus)

Let everything be lost in the shadows
Of the light of Your face
Let every chain be broken from me
As I’m bound in Your grace
For Your yoke is easy, Your burden is light
You’re full of wisdom, power and might
And every eye will see You

Updating the List!

2011-07-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

I'm SO incredibly excited that I will be heading back to California in just over a week! It will be so great to see old friends, my old parish family, and the beautiful state of California that I love oh so much! As I am planning my itinerary, I naturally came back to my infamous California Bucket List. It was then that I realized I have not crossed some items off the list on my blog that I have indeed accomplished in real life! So here goes!

~~Grand Canyon~~

On our road trip back to Missouri last year, Dan and I stopped at the Grand Canyon! I was there once as a small child, and the only memories I have are of the pictures I have seen. We weren't able to spend much time at the Canyon, but we were able to take in the beauty by seeing the sun set over the canyon. It is a memory that I will always hold dear to my heart. While we were there, we decided we would definitely come back someday for a hiking trip!

~~San Francisco~~

On one of my last weekends in California, I decided to take the trip to San Francisco. A good friend of mine was staying in San Jose, so I had a place to crash and a friend to go with me on my first day to San Fran! We had a blast on the first day! We walked along the piers and went to drive across the Golden Gate Bridge. We checked out the Haight/Ashbury district, went to the highest point to view the whole city, and even found the "Full House" house! The next day, on my own, I walked around the whole city. I found the crooked road, ate in the Italian neighborhood of north beach, and even got some pictures on a trolley! I fell in love with San Francisco! The buildings and landscape have such a distinct personality, and the weather is perfect. I loved not having the extreme hustle and bussle of LA! I ended the trip by driving down the PCH all the way back to LA! It climbed the charts as one of my favorite trips of all time (right under Europe!)

The Crooked Street

The trolley driver allowed me

to take a picture on his

trolley. He was more into it
than I was!

Saints Peter and Paul Church

at Washington Squre in

North Beach

Bixby Creek Bridge near Big Sur
along the Pacific Coast Highway

~~Move Back to Missouri~~

It was with sadness to leave a home I loved dearly and excitement to start a new life as a wife in the midwest that I began my journey back to Missouri in June 2010. I will never forget those that became my family there. I miss them every day. But God has great plans for us, and no matter where He leads me, I will follow. I secretly pray that he leads me back to California someday! ;-)

The California Bucket List

1) ~~Learn to Surf~~

2) Swim with the Dolphins at Sea World

3) Visit and hike Catalina Island

4) ~~Hollywood~~

5) ~~Malibu~~

6) ~~Santa Barbara~~

7) ~~Dodgers Statium~~

8) See a movie premeire

9) ~~Hike to the Hollywood sign~~

10) Stay at Hotel del Coronado

11) Channel Islands

12) Lake Arrowhead

13) ~~Joshua Tree~~

14) Palm Springs

15) Yosemite

16) Vegas

17) ~~Disneyland~~

18) ~~Grand Canyon~~

19) ~~Sequoia National Park~~

20) ~~Drive Pacific Coast Highway~~

21) Huntington Library

22) ~~San Francisco~~

23) ~~The Missions~~ (Fulfilled in Santa Barbara)

24) Kayaking caves at La Jolla

25) ~~Hearst Castle~~

26) Sailing

27) Death Valley

28) Hollywood Bowl

29) Whale Watching

30) Grunion Runs (with my Dad)

31) ~~San Diego Zoo~~

32) La Brea Tar Pits

33) The Ghetty Museum

34) ~~Griffith Observatory~~

35) Universal Studios

36) ~~Santa Monica Pier~~

37) Eat at Planet Hollywood

38) Venice Boardwalk

39) ~~Santa Monica Promenade~~

40) Be an extra or in the studio audience of a TV show
41) LA County Museum of Art
42) Pantages Theater

43) Tommy's Burger

44) ~~Canter's Deli~~

45) ~~Philippe's French Dip Sandwich~~

46) ~~Fashion District~~

47) ~~Olvera Street~~

48) Tijuana
49) ~~Move back to Missouri~~

A Tune for . . . EVERYday! Hold Me - Jamie Grace

2011-07-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

This is the best song for a drive home from work, or when you get home and need to wind down from your day. Isn't it so true that God holds us through each and every crazy day. There's really not much more I could say about this song. It's just a joyful and uplifting song! Listen to it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWPobcJ19Og

"Hold Me" by Jamie Grace (feat. TobyMac)

I’ve had a long day I just wanna relax
Don’t have time for my friends, no time to chit-chat
Problems at my job, wonderin’ what to do
I know I should be working but I’m thinking of You and
Just when I feel this crazy world is gonna bring me down
That’s when Your smile comes around

CHORUS:
Oh, I love the way You hold me, by my side You’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love the way you hold me, in Your arms I’ll always be
You take each and every day, make it special in some way
I love You more than the words in my brain can express
I can’t imagine even loving You less
Lord, I love the way You hold me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh whoa, I love the way You hold me
Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh

Well You took my day and You flipped it around
Calmed the tidal wave and put my feet on the ground
Forever in my heart, always on my mind
It’s crazy how I think about You all of the time
And just when I think I’m ’bout to figure You out (figure You out)
You make me wanna sing and shout
I’m so grateful and thankful for all You’ve done
Wish I could tell You in a short story or poem
But, all I have is my voice and this guitar
And You have my heart

Rooted!

2011-07-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

Praise be to God! What a wonderful and beautiful weekend!

I just returned from Steubenville Mid-America (week 2). I hadn't been to the youth conference since I was an intern in 2006, but I'd gone three times prior to that as a teen and Young Apostle. It was such a blessing to see so many of those in my youth ministry family that I hadn't seen for quite some time. It always warms my heart to see those that were a huge part of making me who I am today. In particular to see Greg, my own youth minister, and those that attended the youth group I drove 90 miles to experience in high school. It says alot about a youth minister when years later, so many of his teens are leading groups to the same conference, working with the conference staff, sporting a sister's habit, or playing music for the weekend. I counted more than 10 of us serving the youth of Our Church at this conference.

You want to know a secret? . . . God has a plan . . . yes, I know you already knew that, and it's no secret, haha. But isn't it wonderful to see it in action? It is a great joy to see in retrospect how beautifully that tapestry is woven. This weekend, I didn't see his plan, but I learned in a renewed way how to trust in it.

I will soon be returning to youth ministry, and I couldn't be more thankful and happy that the current chapter of my life will soon be finished. It was a hard one, but I must say, it has made me appreciate the gift it is to lead teens closer to Christ. It's not a chapter I'd wish to re-live, but I appreciate the lessons learned. However, there are some apprehensions and fears as I turn the pages to the next chapter.

At the conference this weekend, God gave me the understanding and graces I need to not see his will, but trust in it. Three things in particular stood out:

1) Matthew 14:23-33 was a constant focus throughout the weekend. Christ again reassured me that if I keep my eyes on Him and not the storm, that I will be able to come out on top, not sinking because of fears.
2) That I've "still got it". Yes, this seems ridiculous, but after being away from ministry for months, I feared I may not be easily liked by the teens anymore. Praise God for the many teens I encountered this weekend that allowed me to minister to them in each small way!
3) God showed me that I could face whatever situation I walk into at my new parish by showing me the example of my own youth minister's "success". It seemed that no matter where I sat in the arena, I could see him. And what I saw was a man praising Our Lord with his teens. I am confident that he was praying for them during these times. I saw a man who's heart was wrapped in the heart of Christ. A man that understands that it is impossible to lead teens to Christ without a strong and constant prayer life. I saw teens that loved him because he taught them truth, and teens turned Core members because of the love of Christ they learned from the ministry. Most of all, I saw the faces of leaders throughout the crowd that had been changed by Christ through Greg. That is the kind of minister I want to be. That is the kind of youth minister God needs me to be. And as I take up this yoke, I know He will be there to help me and give me strength along the way.

May we all be "ROOTED" in His love! So that when the storms come, our foundation will be strong!

Life Update

2011-04-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

So, today I decided it was time to "get back on the blogging horse", but couldn't think of anything to write about . . . I guess that's why it's been quite a while since I wrote last. :-P My life has become so busy, but yet so unexciting that it's been hard to find inspiration. I've decided to start by giving an update on my life since our wedding.

We've been married for over 6 months now! It's been great to be married, mostly because we actually see each other on a regular basis now that we're not long-distance anymore (after 6 years, it's a little strange though)! In November, we headed to Italy for our honeymoon! It was an amazing trip, look for my next post with pictures from our trip! Other than that, we've just enjoyed being married and making our house a home.

Shortly after our wedding, I was laid off from my job due to financial difficulty at the parish I was at. It couldn't have been worse timing, as youth ministers generally move around at the end of the school year, much like teachers. So losing my job in October really put me in a funk. After months of searching for jobs in ministry and finding no openings, I finally started looking elsewhere and found a job in February working at Maurices (my favorite clothing store) as an Assistant Manager. I am thankful to have found a job, and in the retail world, this is about the best I could ask for. However it's been really tough to keep my head up. I love ministry and making a difference in teens lives by bringing them closer to Christ, and I miss it terribly. I found so much joy in such a meaningful job and it's been really difficult to keep a positive and optimistic attitude. I left a job that I was passionate about, that I've planned on and dreamed of doing since I was a teen myself, for a job that just "pays the bills". It doesn't help that I miss my California life, job, and friends so much either.

I guess God's just putting me through a darker time. I only pray that I can be strong enough to keep hope in the things to come and trust in His plan. I know he's got it all under control, but I've really been struggling to see the good in my situation and find happiness in the midst of it.

I would appreciate any prayers! For a job to open up that is perfect for me, but also for my endurance during this hard time. Until next time!

A song for the broken-hearted . . .

2011-03-02T22:00:00.000-08:00

To the broken-hearted,

I heard this song on my pandora today, and I cannot get over how perfect it is for that time in a break-up when you just need to "feel it". My roommates from college could easily place this in my junior year playlist. I wish I'd heard it then! It sums up exactly how I believe someone must healthily deal with a break-up: near to Him. I can remember when I felt just like this, falling into the arms of My Lord, allowing him to slowly heal a broken heart. Clinging to him, trusting that He alone can piece my heart back together. And you know what? He did so much more than just put my heart back together! He healed relationships, changed hearts, and did miracles I never imagined.

It is through prayer and facing the pain that you must move on from heart-break. As a wise professor once told me, in the mess of emotions, you must take each one, recognize it, feel it, and then place it neatly on the shelf. If it is sadness, be sad; happiness? Be happy. If it is anger, be angry. Whatever the emotion, name it, take the time to truly feel it, and when it is time to move on, file it away. Turning to God in my grief and following that professor's advice got me through it all. In the end, there will be "beauty from pain".

"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." - James 4:8

Near to You
by A Fine Frenzy

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddenly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

A person's a person, no matter how small!

2011-01-24T11:13:00.000-08:00

I dream of a day when it is common knowledge, not just common sense, that a baby is a person at the moment of conception. Today is the March for Life in Washington D.C. It marks the 36th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, the devastating decision that legalized the killing of unborn children.

May we all join in prayer with those in Washington today, that our nation will rise and defend it's most defenseless members. Lord, have mercy on our nation!

"Simple morality dictates that unless and until someone can prove the unborn human is not alive, we must give it the benefit of the doubt and assume it is (alive). And, thus, it should be entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." - Ronald Reagan 1982

Might be searching for a new blog host

2011-01-20T12:52:00.000-08:00

It's come to my attention that google/blogspot have shut The Theologian's Corner! After researching a little, it seems that it isn't uncommon for them to shut down conservative blogs. The site has been moved to www.markzia.wordpress.com.

Thoughts? Any blog hosts you'd recommend?

A "holy Church" not a church of "holy people"

2011-01-06T21:33:00.000-08:00

This is a passage I found from the final chapter of Joseph Ratzinger's (Pope Benedict) "Introduction to Christianity". So often, I find people that have lost faith in The Church because they see all if its sinful people. How can a church be thought to be holy, when so many of those inside it are sinners? Pope Benedict addresses this question with truth and beauty. The Church is not holy because it is filled with holy people (work inside the Church and you'll quickly find that it is filled with sinners. Of course, first look at yourself). The Church is "holy" because it is sanctified by Christ.

Though Ratzinger's words are rather heady, he speaks some important truths to keep in mind when one starts to lose faith and hope in Christ's Church because of its members.

"I BELIEVE THE HOLY CATHOLIC CHURCH"
by Joseph Ratzinger

The holiness of the Church consists in that power of sanctification which God exerts in it in spite of human sinfulness. We come up here against the real mark of the "New Covenant": in Christ God has bound himself to men, has let himself be bound by them. The New Covenant no longer rests on the reciprocal keeping of the agreement; it is granted by God as grace which abides even in the face of man's faithlessness. It is the expression of God's love, which will not let itself be defeated by man's incapacity but always remains well-disposed towards him, welcomes him again and again precisely because he is sinful, turns to him, sanctifies him and loves him.

Because of the Lord's devotion, never more to be revoked, the Church is the institution sanctified by him forever, an institution in which the holiness of the Lord becomes present among men. But it is really and truly the holiness of the Lord that becomes present in it and that chooses again and again as the vessel of its presence – with a paradoxical love – the dirty hands of men. It is holiness that radiates as the holiness of Christ from the midst of the Church's sin. So to the faithful the paradoxical figure of the Church, in which the divine so often presents itself in such unworthy hands, in which the divine is only ever present in the form of a "nevertheless", is the sign of the "nevertheless" of the ever greater love shown by God. The existing interplay of God's loyalty and man's disloyalty which characterizes the structure of the Church is grace in dramatic form. [. . .] One could actually say that precisely in its paradoxical combination of holiness and unholiness the Church is in fact the shape taken by grace in this world.

Let us go a step further. In the human dream of a perfect world, holiness is always visualized as untouchability by sin and evil, as something unmixed with the latter. [. . .] In contemporary criticism of society and in the actions in which it vents itself, this merciless side always present in human ideals is once again only too evident. That is why the aspect of Christ's holiness that upset his contemporaries was the complete absence of this condemnatory note – fire did not fall on the unworthy nor were the zealous allowed to pull up the weeds which they saw growing luxuriantly on all sides. On the contrary, this holiness expressed itself precisely as mingling with the sinners whom Jesus drew into his vicinity; as mingling to the point where he himself was made "to be sin" and bore the curse of the law in execution as a criminal – complete community of fate with the lost (cf. 2 Cor. 5.21; Gal. 3.13). He has drawn sin to himself, made it his lot and so revealed what true "holiness" is: not separation but union, not judgment but redeeming love.

Is the Church not simply the continuation of God's deliberate plunge into human wretchedness; is it not simply the continuation of Jesus' habit of sitting at table with sinners, of his mingling with the misery of sin to the point where he actually seems to sink under its weight? Is there not revealed in the unholy holiness of the Church, as opposed to man's expectation of purity, God's true holiness, which is love, love which does not keep its distance in a sort of aristocratic, untouchable purity but mixes with the dirt of the world, in order thus to overcome it? Can therefore the holiness of the Church be anything else but the mutual support which comes, of course, from the fact that all of us are supported by Christ? [. . .]

At bottom there is always hidden pride at work when criticism of the Church adopts that tone of rancorous bitterness which today is already beginning to become a fashionable habit. Unfortunately it is accompanied only too often by a spiritual emptiness in which the specific nature of the Church as a whole is no longer seen, in which it is only regarded as a political instrument whose organization is felt to be pitiable or brutal, as the case may be, as if the real function of the Church did not lie beyond organization, in the comfort of the Word and of the sacraments which she provides in good and bad days alike. Those who really believe do not attribute too much importance to the struggle for the reform of ecclesiastical ritual. They live on what the Church always is; and if one wants to know what the Church really is one must go to them. For the Church is most present not where organizing, reforming and governing are going on but in those who simply believe and receive from her the gift of faith that is life to them.

This does not mean that everything must be left undisturbed and endured as it is. Endurance can also be a highly active process, a struggle to make the Church herself more and more that which supports and endures. After all, the Church does not live otherwise than in us; she lives from the struggle of the unholy to attain holiness, just as of course this struggle lives from the gift of God, without which it could not exist. But this effort only becomes fruitful and constructive if it is inspired by the spirit of forbearance, by real love.

And here we have arrived at the criterion by which that critical struggle for better holiness must always be judged, a criterion that is not only not in contradiction with forbearance but is demanded by it. This criterion is constructiveness. A bitterness that only destroys stands self-condemned. A slammed door can, it is true, become a sign that shakes up those inside. But the idea that one can do more constructive work in isolation than in fellowship with others is just as much of an illusion as the notion of a Church of "holy people" instead of a "holy Church" that is holy because the Lord bestows holiness on her as a quite unmerited gift.

Check out the "Theologian's Corner"

2011-01-04T11:11:00.000-08:00

Hey all you crazy Catholics (or anyone interested)!

Mark Zia is a professor of mine from college who just started a wonderful blog about the beliefs and practices of Catholicism. He's a rock-solid theologian, an insanely difficult professor, and a great guy! I guarantee you'll learn A LOT about the faith!

I highly recommend "following" his blog!
http://www.markzia.blogspot.com/

A Beatiful Voice - Caitlin Natalia

2010-10-28T16:38:00.000-07:00

I love my alma mater, and I'm always so proud of the beautiful musicians that come together there to make beautiful music for Our Lord. Recently, I've been listening to the music that Caitlin Natalia has recorded this far. I remember her as a little freshman when her boyfriend intoduced us. A beautiful soul and sweet woman, I had no idea until after I graduated that year that she had the voice of an angel!

I thought I'd share her gorgeous voice with the blog world, because I just can't keep this beautiful music to myself!

Check out Caitlin's iLike page!

John Rumpza is another talented musician and friend! He works with Caitlin on "Underneath the Sky".

Check out John's Facebook or Myspace page!

A little peak into the most wonderful day of my life! :D

2010-10-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd share a few pictures from our big day with the blog world! All of these were taken by my lovely sisters. Enjoy!

Getting the Marriage License!

My adorable niece and flower girl the day before the wedding

My silly ring bearer and nephew

Consecration to St. Joseph (asking him to forever pray for us and our family)

The cutest flower girl

Playing after the wedding

Dancing at our local festival

We cut the log with the wedding party! I can't wait to see the pictures of the action!

Playing in the leaves

The dress

Probably our favorite picture thus far

Those this one is a close one!

These were taken in the field at my parents property

The handsome groom

The bride

Great capture by my sister!

The rosary we had made especially for our wedding party and family (Purple and pink beads, St. Joseph Metal, and white Benedictine Crucifix)

THE SHOES!

Announcing my new blog: "The Newlyweds' Table"

2010-10-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a few months since I moved into the apartment that is now also the home of my new husband! Throughout our engagement period, I was thrown a few bridal showers, and for some reason I received quite a few cookbooks! Word must have gotten out that I'm not quite a gourmet cook . . . I've actually been known to ruin mac and cheese (I didn't think that was possible either)!

Well, since I have a real kitchen for the first time in my "big kid" life, I've been making use of my tools and trying many new recipes. I think if you'd ask my new husband, he might actually say I can cook!

During one evening just before we got married, my then fiance came over for dinner. Our discussion led to the above mentioned topic, and we decided it would be great for me to start a blog about the adventures in our kitchen!

We got married just a week and a half ago, so it's time! Without further ado, I introduce to you my new blog: The Newlyweds' Table! I hope you enjoy the stories of our little kitchen in our first home! :)

A Tune for a Tuesday: All things New - Grayson Kessenich

2010-09-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

I must admit . . . I'm a One Tree Hill addict. In defense, if you took out all the crazy unrealistic drama that happens, it's got some great characters . . . alright, I'll stop defending myself. :)

Anyway, on Tuesday's episode, the background music caught me when I heard the lyric "praise father, praise the son, praise spirit three in one". It didn't take me long to look up the song and find an amazing Christian artist! Who would have thought that One Tree Hill would be the place to find him?

The artist is Grayson Kessenich and the song on the episode was "All Things New". I stronly suggest listening to not just this great song, but all of them! The entire "From the Treehouse" album is wonderful and it's on itunes!

Color the morning bright
Paint all the black of night
Warmth in a ray of light
You are God on high

You made the restless cease
Then made the clever seas
All the wonder beneath
And still you care for me

You’re beautiful
And in our hearts we hold
The one who takes the old
And makes all things new

You hear the sinner’s call
Love both the great and small
To you we give our all
To praise the all in all

Praise father, praise the son
Praise spirit three in one
Come see what love has done
Through death our life’s been won

You’re beautiful
And in our hearts we hold
The one who takes the old
And makes all . . .

You’re beautiful
And in our hearts we hold
The one who takes the old
And makes all things new

You make all things new

"All Things New" - Grayson Kessenich

http://taximusic.com/hosting/home.php?userid=32131

From a Bride-to-be's Kitchen!

2010-09-14T23:49:00.000-07:00

If you were sitting with me as I write this, you'd smell the aroma of fresh-baked banana bread coming from the kitchen! It is such a joy to have a kitchen! You may be accustomed to your own, and think I'm a little crazy for being so excited about mine, but this is my first kitchen! During my four years of college, I lived in the dorms and never had a kitchen past a refrigerator and microwave. When i moved to California, my tiny garage-renovated apartment had a small stove, but no oven and little counter space. (Is it silly that I miss that little space anyway? It was perfectly cozy!) Now, in the townhouse that will become the home for my fiance and I in just 25 days, I'm sitting at the kitchen table (borrowed from my wonderful cousin) waiting for the loaf of banana bread to be ready to come out of the oven!

Ask anyone that knows me well and they'll tell you that I'm not a cook. I would argue that this has less to do with my ability to cook and more to do with my lack of opportunity to cook. I have loved making new recipes since I've moved into the new place! And I think my lovely fiance would agree that most of them have turned out to be quite delicious!

Be prepared for my new blog, coming soon: From the Newly Wed's Table . . . or something like that!

I'll leave you with this delicious, and very simple, recipe from the Alpha-bakery Cookbook by Betty Crocker!

3/4 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups mashed bananas (3 large bananas)
3/4 cup vegetable oil
2 eggs
2 cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. vanilla
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 cup chopped nuts, optional

Heat oven to 325 degrees. Grease a loaf pan. Mix sugar, bananas, oil, and eggs in a large bowl with a wooden spoon. Stir in remaining ingredients. Pour into pan. Bake until a wooden pick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 60-70 minutes. Let cool in pan 10 minutes, then loosen sides of loaf from pan and remove from pan. Let cool completely before slicing.

Living a New Life . . . still for Christ

2010-09-14T23:07:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have been wondering what happened to me . . . or maybe no one did! Regardless, I'm going to let you know. :-)

I have gone through so many life changes since my last post that I could write a whole blog just about them! In short, I have said goodbye to California (the place I had just learned to call home), packed up my little apartment, drove cross-country with my fiance back to Missouri, lived with my parents while begging God to give me and my fiance jobs, we both found jobs in Kansas City, and I moved to Kansas City and started my new job. Whew, that's a lot in just over a month! I've been completely consumed ever since with preparing for my wedding that is just less than a month away! It's been such a whirlwind since I left California that I can hardly comprehend it all.

Leaving California was heart-breaking. There were small sobbs at my last Mass at StP2 and quiet tears as I watched the last car filled with my friends pull out of the parking lot from my going away party, knowing it was likely the last time I would see them for quite a long time. Saying goodbye to friends and the parish that became my family was something surreal at the time, but is slowly setting in these days. Some days I still feel like I'm just on vacation . . . that's lasted a long time. Other days it hits me like a freight train that I'm not going back to California, at least not any time soon. :-\ Looking back, I don't think I realized how much of a family I had found in the parish. I often find myself wishing the parish I am now at was as warmly welcoming as StP2. Most of all, I miss the friends I made.

Now don't misunderstand, I love being close to my family again, seeing my close college friends again, and most of all, seeing my fiance on a regular basis for the first time since we started dating in 2004. Regardless, I left a piece of my heart in California, and it has not gone unnoticed.

This is to you Cali, thanks for welcoming me as family and sending me off with much love!

The Healing Hand of God

2010-08-05T22:47:00.000-07:00

I was on my way home on this horrible day when I heard this song. I knew right away that it was no coincidence. Today, a tragic school bus accident took the life of a beautiful teen in my hometown. When I was in high school, Jessica was such a sweet kid that I often talked to after Sunday Mass. She held a special place in my heart, as does her whole family. She grew into a wonderful young woman, and the loss of her life will affect the whole community.

Lord, please hold the Brinker family close to your heart during this most difficult time. Please give them the strength and courage of your mother, Mary, as they mourn the loss of their child and sister. Hold the students of John F. Hodge in your healing hands. As this school year starts, be in the hallways as they walk them without their dear friend. Hold the Red Regiment Marching Band together as they march with a hole in their line. Please carry the whole St. James community through this terrible time. And please open the gates of heaven wide to accept your daughter, Jessica.

May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
Ashley Scanlon-Smith, pray for us.

The Healing Hand of God - Jeremy Camp

I have seen the many faces of fear and of pain
I have watched the tears fall plenty from heartache and strain
So if life's journey has you weary and afraid
There's rest in the shadow of His wings

I have walked through the valleys, the mountains, and plains
I have held the hand of freedom that washes all my stains
If you feel the weight of many trials and burdens from this world
There's freedom in the shelter of the Lord

And I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out
The healing hand of God

And I have touched the scars upon His hands to see if they were real
He has walked the road before me, he knows just how I feel
When you feel that there's not anyone, who understands your pain
Just remember all of Jesus' suffering

'Cause I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out

Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you
He's near to the broken and confused
By His stripes our spirit is renewed
So enter in the joy prepared for you

I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out

The healing hand of God
The healing hand of God
The healing hand of God

And hold on to what's being held out
(Hold on)
And hold on to what's being held out
(Hold on)
The healing hand of God, oh, oh

A Tune for a Tuesday - See you in the Eucharist

2010-05-18T01:29:00.000-07:00

The Beginning of the End . . .

Today, I said goodbye to my kids at the EDGE. And in keeping with my norm, I cried at both sessions when I gave my final words. I haven't really quite realized that I will not see them next week . . . likely, I will not see most of them again in our earthly life. I've always loved meeting new people, but I've always hated goodbyes . . .

After our party, the EDGE Core worked hard to clean up and put all of our props from the year back in storage. As the Core headed out the door, I walked back to our meeting room. It looked as though no one had even been there. As I turned to hit the lights, I stopped and looked around, taking that moment to reflect on my time here.

These past few months have been a whirlwind. I have been so busy and so stressed, that it has been hard to even notice the time passing. I knew then that I'd get to this point and be disappointed that I hadn't spent more time enjoying the moment. And there I stood tonight, thinking just that. That I couldn't believe it was already over. I wish I could have spent another year ministering to those kids, leading them to Christ and making more improvements for their program . . . but that's not what God has called me to . . . thy will be done, Lord.

As I move on to the next chapter in my life, I thank God for bringing me here. I would never take back the two years I've spent here. These kids will always hold a special place in my heart, and this parish family will always be a home to me.

Thank you to all those who have been a part of making my time in California a wonderful experience. For welcoming me in and making me a part of this community. I will miss you all dearly. I will undoubtedly be back to visit soon, but until then, "I will see you in the Eucharist".

I will meet you at the table
I will meet you in His heart
In the company of angels
In the place where all things start
We receive each other's presence
We are all made one in Him
Though I cannot see your face
I will see you in the Eucharist

Come and meet me at the table
Come and meet me in His heart
We'll be singing with the angels
Each man playing his own part
In the symphony of praises
We will join our song with His
Though I cannot hear your voice
We'll be speaking in the Eucharist

Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid

When we gather at the table
We are closer than our breath
Even nearer than the angels
When we touch His very flesh
Dwelling in each other's presence
I will hold you close inside
Every soul in heaven and earth
Now is present in the Body of Christ

Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid

We are pilgrims on a journey
We are headed for the throne
Carried on the wings of angels
Oh we do not walk alone
All our prayers we lay before Him
And His grace will pave the way
To lead us to our one true home
Where we'll see each other face to face

And do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid

I will meet you
I will hear you
I will hold you
I will receive you
I will see you in the Eucharist

Danielle Rose - See You in the Eucharist

Emotions

2010-05-08T23:50:00.000-07:00

So much is going on in my life right now. Would you like to know how I feel about it?

STRESSED! - I move in just a little over a month. And as of right now, I do not have a job or a place to live when I get there. Just when I thought things were going to work out, my fiance was let go at work and is now searching for a job too. UGH! Wrapping up a job, packing up an apartment, moving accross the country, finding a new job, finding a new place to live, planning a wedding, preparing for marriage. . . . that is just TOO much to deal with at once!

Frustrated - With our situation. Wondering why God is giving us all these obstacles. Isn't there enough stress and things to deal with if the transition went as smoothly as possible? I'll admit it, I'm frustrated with God. I know He has a plan, but I'm not too happy with Him for not letting us know what it is yet!

In Love - Yes, I'm in love! lol. Despite all of this confusion and frustration, I'm trying to remember the end of the tunnel: being in the same state as my fiance! It's going to be so great to see him on a regular basis again. To see him more than on skype and to have real dates, not just our wednesday night online dates! Yes, that's right, we spend our "date nights" playing games online against each other . . . it's all we have, don't judge us!

Excited! - Excited to be with my fiance. Excited for something new. Excited to see my dear friends again. Excited for dates. Excited too see my family. Excited to get moving on wedding plans. Excited to see my neices and nephew. Excited for seasons (yes, even winter . . . it has its charm). Excited to possibly serve my Alma Mater. Excited to be closer to marriage. Excited to have a new place to live. Excited to have a washer and dryer! Hopefully excited for a dishwasher. :)

Sad - Sad to leave California. Sad that I haven't nearly seen everything I wanted to. Sad to leave the ocean. Sad to leave the warm weather (yes, I'm completely torn between the two climates). Sad to see this chapter close. Sad to leave my adorable apartment. Sad to leave my job. Sad that I haven't done everything I planned to do with the ministries. Sad to cut this adventure short. Sad to leave new friends. Sad to leave the mountains. Sad to go back to humidity (it seriously sucks!). Sad that there is so little time left. Sad that I will likely never live here again. Sad to say goodbye.

Nervous - About the unknown. I know that God's got it all under control, but I'm so very anxious about how it's all going to work out. If I don't have a job, I don't have money to pay the bills . . . and that's not good! I just don't know what's going to happen, and that makes me nervous.

Sick - With all this emotion, I'm sick. Both emotionally and physically. Sick to my stomach. I have headaches frequently. Can't fall asleep. Wake up in the middle of the night. I can hardly focus on the things that need to get done, which makes me even more stressed. I'm ready for this time to be over, but there's so much that I need to do before it is!

Completely Mixed Up - SO MANY EMOTIONS! I can't seem to get them straight. Excited, nervous, happy, sad, sick, frustrated, stressed . . . I just can't handle it all at once. Ugh, I'll be happy when all this is over. But when it's all over, that means I'll be gone . . . and that makes me sad. Oh dear . . .

Forget what’s behind and where I’ve been . . .

2010-04-22T04:38:00.000-07:00

Today, I was especially troubled with unpleasant memories. Most days, I'm completely fine, but once in a while, this particular situation creeps up and catches me off-guard with memories of the past. Sometimes, I wish I was like God more. Well, of course we all wish that, but I particularly wish that I could really forget the past. Now, I know that God is all knowing, and doesn't truly "forget" things, but that He forgives us more fully than we can imagine. When we forgive, it is near impossible for us to fully forgive because of our sinful nature. But when God forgives, He forgives so richly that He does not think of us or treat us as though what we did happened. I'm not sure if I'm making a whole lot of sense here . . . I'll try to clarify.

Because we are human, it is extremely difficult for us to truly forgive. We may no longer harbor angry feelings at someone, but rarely do we treat them as though it never happened. If someone slaps you in the face, you may forgive them, but chances are you're going to be a bit apprehensive when that person moves their hand upward around you again. When someone betrays your trust, you may forgive them, but likely you don't trust them immediately, and maybe you will never fully trust that person again. All this, is because we are human. We can forgive and love someone who has hurt us, but it is a nearly impossible task for us to "forget" what happened, that is, think of them, treat them, and feel toward them as though your trust was never broken in the first place.

God, on the other hand, has that ability. God, in His infinite goodness and love, fully forgives us when we turn our backs on Him. He does not harbor any resentment toward us because of what we have done, nor does he think any less of us for betraying him. He does not love us any less, care for us any less, or hope in us any less. When He forgives us, it is as though He does not remember what we did, because He does not act the way we do when we remember how someone hurt us.

So today, as I was wishing I could "forget" as Our Lord does, the CD in my car played this song:

Yesterday has come, and that day is gone
But I can’t say I’m proud with what went on
So I’ll start again, ‘cause I want to win
Forget what’s behind and where I’ve been

Goodbye, Loneliness, goodbye tears
Goodbye yesterday and all those wasted years

I press on, always forward, on
I have set my eyes on the horizon
I press on, God lead me on I don’t
want to stop ‘til I get to heaven

I hope the time is near, cause I keep failing here
But I will not lose if I persevere
Yeah, these blows of God, they are blows of love
They may knock me down, but I get back up

Goodbye, Loneliness, goodbye tears
Goodbye yesterday and all those wasted years

I press on, always forward, on
I have set my eyes on the horizon
I press on, God lead me on
I don’t want to stop ‘til I get to heaven

- Joel Stein (Press On)

It is my prayer today, and all days when the past is something that is hard for me to "forget", that I will become more like God. That I will forgive more perfectly, love more deeply, and "forget" more completely. I pray that I can entirely trust those who I forgive. And as I contemplate the difficulty to forgive as God does, I realize more fully the omnipotence of God's forgiveness, and the imperfectness of ours. I thank God for his infinite ability to love and forgive perfectly. For giving His Son to pay for my sins. And I "press on, always forward, on" and strive to "forget what's behind and where I've been".

"We do not lose heart . . ."

2010-04-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

2 Corinthians 4:1-18

Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart.
We have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways; we refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled only to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the likeness of God.
For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For it is the God who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God
in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, to show that the transcendent power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For while we live we are always being given up to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith as he had who wrote, "I believed, and so I spoke," we too believe, and so we speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed every day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Lord, help me to have faith in people when I lose hope. I know that, indeed, the transcendent power belongs to You and not to me. It is your ministry, and not my own. Lord, when people let me down, and it feels like everyone is failing, leaving you, and turning away, help me to know that your words are more powerful than mine, and prayer more powerful than the evil one. When I am perplexed by ignorance, apathy, and aragance, help me to not be driven to despair. Lord, give me Your love, Your understanding, Your words, Your actions, and Your prayers as I minister to your people. Help me to not lose heart, but hope in you!

- Your Stumbling Servant

A Tune for a Tuesday - Tribute to my Dad :)

2010-03-30T01:17:00.000-07:00

"Here's a song I would like to have written for you. Love, Dad"

That was the email I got from my Dad today, with this song attached. My dad's always loved music. I remember the days I'd be in his truck, a song would come on, and he'd ask, "Who is this?" I'd respond with an annoyed, "I don't know, Dad." "Oh man! It's ______." If a song he particularly liked came on, he's say, "listen" and sing along with the lyrics, emphasizing the lyrics he liked, which was pretty much every word. These are still not uncommon occurrences when riding in a vehicle with him, but I'm more amused than annoyed at this age! :) It wasn't until just now that I realized I may have gotten my love for lyrics from him. Thanks Dad!

The song he sent me today doesn't have a single lyric that doesn't fit us. I'm the youngest, his baby girl. Winter snows: particularly reminds me of the winter snow (and ice) when us kids got stuck at the bottom of the hill behind our house. I was terrified we'd never make it up. The famous quote is "Call Dad and tell him to call the fire department!" I was so upset when my mom and siblings laughed at me. Horse shows: We went to the horse auction when I was a kid, I remember picking out the horses I liked and pretending I'd get them. Dancing on the beach: I don't remember ever actually dancing on the beach, but since before I was born, our family vacationed to Myrtle Beach (technically Garden City Beach) every other summer. Many of my childhood memories revolve around the beach houses we rented.

I got a little teary-eyed when I received this sweet and loving email. It was great to stop and reflect. God blessed me with a really wonderful father. Needless to say, this will likely be the song for the father-daughter dance at my wedding this fall.

I'll take this slow sweet walk with you.
You let go of my hand to say "I Do".
And he will discover just how blessed a life can be.
I know 'cause all those years ago, someone handed you to me.

Every step that we take brings back the memories.
Winter snows and horse shows and dancing on the beach.
I can't help thinking that I'm the lucky one;
You're still my baby daughter, and now I've gained a son.

I'll take this slow sweet walk with you.
You let go of my hand to say "I Do".
And he will discover just how blessed a life can be.
I know 'cause all those years ago, your mom handed you to me.

Don't miss a chance to put each other first.
Now that you've vowed "for better or for worse".
And don't let the beauty of this life pass you by.
In the times of trouble, you'll stand side by side.

I'll take this slow sweet walk with you.
You let go of my hand to say "I Do" . . .

Picture a slow sweet walk yet to be.
You'll take my hand, say "Daddy, come see".
Then you'll know what it feels like, you won't believe what it feels like,
Then you'll know what it felt like when she handed you to me.
. . . She handed you to me.
"Walk with You" - Edwin McCain

A Tune for a Tuesday - Your Bride

2010-03-24T01:10:00.000-07:00

Here I am - I offer you my hand.
The hour has arrived to celebrate our wedding feast.
And I know this was the Father's plan.
I was born to live for you were born to die for me.

Walking down the aisle I long to come to thee.
You are waiting there to marry me.
Walking down the aisle I long to come receive.
Your body, blood, soul, and divinity.

I am your bride,
I am one with my Beloved crucified.
As you offer me your body, I offer you my life
Now and always, I am yours -
I am your bride.

As you lift the veil before my eyes,
You gaze into my soul and say, "Beloved, you are mine."
And I know you take me as I am,
Loving me with all my sin you take me by the hand.

In my vows to you and yours to me,
Our covenant declared eternally,
Laying down our lives we consummate our love.
I cleave to you and to the cross.

This one is at last bone of my bones.
United as one flesh, our love becomes a home,
Where every child is welcome in our love's embrace.
Their lives reveal their Father's face.

Your Bride - Danielle Rose

This song was like buried treasure for me. I found it through an internet search. I've known Danielle Rose for years, but had not heard this album yet. My priest, and officiant of our wedding, told me to listen to "Holy Family" (a song I included in my previous post about St. Joseph). When searched for that song, I found "Your Bride" on the same album. This song has some of the most beautiful lyrics about Christ and the Church. Written about her entry into a religious order, this song has so many meanings!

It's a picture of:
Christ/Church
Bridegroom/Bride
Husband/Wife
Christ/Sister
Priest/Church

You MUST go check out this awesome song: http://popup.lala.com/popup/1657606185550498364

Why St. Joseph is so important to me . . . Episode 2

2010-03-19T03:22:00.000-07:00

If you haven't read Episode 1, you may want to read it first! :)

. . . I praise God that I clung to Him during this time. I firmly believe that crisis' in life either make you, or break you. And though I was broken, this made me who I am today. God slowly and tenderly began to heal my heart. We broke up in March, and I finally truly forgave this man that summer, and was able to move on with my life. I was genuinely happy again, and just stoked for where God was leading me next. I was so happy to have moved past this time, and leave it all behind me.

It wasn't until November that God started moving in ways I wasn't expecting. I was leading a middle school youth group at the time, and our topic that night was "Are You Ready?" In small groups, we discussed many quesions. If today was the last day of your life, would you be going to heaven? If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, how would you spend your last 24 hours? But the one God used to show me his will was, "If today was your last day on earth, are there any relationships you would want to mend before you go?" I thought about how devastated I would be if this man died with the situation being as it was. I knew that if I died, he would be just as upset.

Immediately I knew that even though I forgave this man in my heart, I needed to tell him. God knew he needed to hear that. I decided to write him a letter. I put the topic on the back burner for a while, this wasn't a door I was excited to open. I knew that this letter would pull the bandage off the wound and pour peroxide inside. I knew it would clean it out and lead to healing, but I knew it was going to be painful.

A few days later, I was headed to dinner with a friend of mine. We were chatting and using our "outside voices" as we walked out the door of our dorm. Right as we walked out, a Eucharistic procession came around the corner. Our conversation immediately ceased, and we fell to our knees in silence as the Eucharist passed us. I quickly realized that God was speaking to me again, saying, "You're not ready, Amanda." I wasn't ready for Jesus that day. I didn't expect him to come and I wasn't prepared. It was clear that God was urgently telling me to write this letter.

I began to pray about what God wanted me to say, and when he wanted me to write it. Each time I would come to him in prayer, I would ask, "Do you still want me to write the letter." And his response was always, "Yes, but not yet." After about 4 weeks of this, he finally responded, "Yes, it's time."

I knew I needed to take time to write this letter in deep prayer. Each evening, I headed to adoration, prayed a novena to St. Joseph, and then write (and revise) the letter. On the fifth day of the nine, I got a letter in the mail. It was from him. I couldn't believe it! After nine months of literally no communication, we both wrote a letter at the same time. God is so good.

The letter was 7 pages long, explaining everything that had happened. He told me how deeply sorry he was for hurting me so badly. He explained the depression and how foggy things had gotten for him. He explained how difficult it had gotten for him to see the good in the relationship when we were arguing. He described the path he had chosen, and how much he regretted leaving God's path and heading down his own. He talked about hitting rock bottom and how horrible things had gotten. And then he talked about his slow return to God.

He said that he recently started going to Mass and praying again. And that during Mass more than a month prior to writing the letter, God intervened in a pretty big way. he said, "During mass, it felt like someone grabbed me firmly by the shoulders. Then a face appeared in front of me. He siad he didn't know if it was an angel or being or what, but it addressed him by name and basically told him 2 things: that he needed to get his life back on the right path, and that he needed to end the relationship he was in and wait for what God wanted for him.

That week, he ended the relationship, and slowly began trying to fix all the mistakes he had made. He explained that writing this letter was part of that. He told me he understood if I did not respond, and that that's not what he needed. That he just needed me to know that he was sorry for how he had hurt me.

Well, needless to say, I revised my letter a bit. I finished the novena, and sent my letter off 5 days later. During all of this, I never imagined that God would ask me to enter back into a relationship with him. I thought this was just healing and truly closing the chapter. We slowly began to talk, first through emails, and then, finally, I let him call me. After many tearful, emotional, and difficult conversations, we started to be able to talk again.

It was at this time that I asked him, "so, what was did it look like, seeing the angel or whatever?" "Well," he responded, "It wasn't like waht you would expect. It wasn't bright white or anything. I could only see his face. He had darker skin, dark hair, and a dark beard." We both paused and thought the same thing as I said outloud, "I think it was St. Joseph . . ."

I fully believe that it was St. Joseph that appeared to my now fiance. It was a clear answer to my daily prayer: "Lord, please send him someone to get him back on the right track. St. Joseph, please pray for him, protect him, and guide him." I remember later praying, "God, when I asked you to send someone to get him back on the right path, I was thinking a friend or something . . . but St. Joseph works too!"

And That is why this day, March 19th, St. Joseph's Feast Day, is quite possibly our favorite day of the whole year! I say with confidence that if it wasn't for God sending St. Joseph, I would not be engaged to this man, the man God clearly created for me!

Happy Feast of St. Joseph! :)

Holy Family-Danielle Rose

O loving Father make our home in Nazareth
where you may reign
A holy family of love where Jesus' manger lays

Help us to stay together Lord, in joy and sorrow as we pray
Teach us
to see Christ in disguise, upon each other's face, upon each other's face

Where two or more are gathered you reside
Mary be our Mother, Joseph
be our guide
to make your Son the center of our lives
Jesus may Your
name be glorified

We gather round our table blessed to share the
heavenly bread he gave
to strengthen us that we might serve our family with
grace
to love each other as you love with humble hearts and patient faith
and to forgive each other's faults as Jesus Christ forgave, as Jesus Christ
forgave.

Where two or more are gathered you reside
Mary be our
Mother, Joseph be our guide
to make your Son the center of our lives
Jesus may Your name be glorified

Help us take what 'ere you give and
give what 'ere you take from us
With smiles upon our faces as we place our
trust in You

Jesus may your name be Glorified

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Why St. Joseph is so important to me . . . Episode 1

2010-03-19T01:50:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Joseph's Feast Day!

In October, I will be marrying the man that God created for me. We started our journey together six years ago as seniors in high school. We met when we both visited the same college (now my Alma Mater). He was from the city, I was from the country. We kept in touch and months later began to date.

Anyone who knows our story or has walked through our journey with us can tell you that our relationship has not been an easy one. We've been through our share of ups and downs.

I studied abroad in Italy the fall semester in 2006. It was during that trip that for the first time, God confirmed to me that this really was the man I was meant to marry. And it wasn't until that moment that I started to say "when we get married" instead of "if we get married".

I came home from studying abroad and shared my experience with my boyfriend. That Christmas break we looked at rings for the first time. We consecrated our relationship to St. Joesph (basically just officially asking the patron of purity and marriage, to pray for us). We began to move forward from dating to preparing for engagement. After a while, he began telling his friends (and a few of mine) that he was planning on "popping the question" and some of them knew his plans.

Long story, short (or just short-er), he didn't propose as he has planned. And shortly after the date of his planned proposal passed, he ended our relationship. I was devastated. I had never, and have never, felt my heart break before like this, but I really truly felt it. I sobbed for hours, and when Monday rolled around and I got up for classes, I just couldn't do it. I was somewhat well-known for always having a smile and being cheerful. I couldn't bring myself to pull it together and left that morning, driving the 4.5 hours home.

I spent a few days dealing with everything (and crying . . . a lot . . .) and really felt God was calling me not to give up on us quite yet. So, I asked if I could make the 2 hour detour on my way back to school to come talk to him. When I arrived, it was so clear that he wasn't thinking clearly. It was not until many months later that I learned he was going through some deep depression. All he kept saying was that he just wasn't happy anymore. I tried desperately to understand how he'd given up on 3 years for a two week rocky patch. In the end, I just couldn't reach him. He had already made his decision. I made it clear that if he wanted to turn around right now, and work back to where we were, that we could. If, however, I walked out that door in the same situation as I walked in, that this would be it. That this was not a break, that this was over. After many tears on both ends, and hitting the brick wall over and over, I accepted his decision and left.

I still hadn't quite given up on us yet. That next weekend, we both had school dances, and had planned on going to one of them together. Needless to say, I did not attend my dance. But, on Sunday, due to our dear friend "facebook", I learned quickly that he had gone to his dance, and he hadn't gone alone. I was completely devastated. After talking to him and verifying what I already knew to be true, I made it very clear that I never wanted to see him again. I told him . . . what I thought of him . . . that I couldn't believe he could do this and hurt me so badly, and that I never wanted to hear from him again. "I hate you. Never call or contact me again. You've lost me, forever. Get out of my life."

Years later, I can still remember saying these words. And in all of the mess, this is the only thing I regret: telling him I hated him. It was a lie. I didn't hate him. I was angry, deeply hurt, and shocked, but I never once hated him. And, that was it. I purged my life of him that week, throwing away everything that I had of our relationship. I deleted pictures, threw away gifts, and ended up deleting my facebook profile (many of his friends were my "friends" and also had pictures I just couldn't handle seeing). And when I finally did open my facebook again, I deleted him, and just about all of his friends, from my "friends".

I went through a few weeks of being unable to eat and throwing up every morning when I woke up to the real life nightmare (the one positive, I lost 10 lbs! haha). I fell into Jesus' arms, and just laid there . . . for days . . . letting him hold me as I sobbed in his arms. Slowly, though, I began to get up from this terrible fall. I began to attend mass every day, and clung to the Eucharist for strength to stand. Music was a huge source of strength for me (to this day, I still have my "break-up" playlist). I started to eat again, and then began to run. I would just run and run everyday. Thinking back, I think it was the only way I felt like I was moving forward. Running was my escape. I wanted so desperately for this man that knew everything about me not to know me anymore. And since I couldn't move or change my life, I began to change my body. I began to pray for him everyday. Each morning, it was a simple 2 sentence prayer: "Lord, please send him someone to get him back on the right track. St. Joseph, please pray for him, protect him, and guide him." I couldn't keep myself from praying for him, even when I wasn't sure it was good for me to keep thinking about him. Everyday, for 9 months, I prayed this prayer.

The only time I contacted the man that broke my heart was in an email a week later, to tell him I was sorry for saying I hated him. The only time he contacted me was a month later to let me know (by demand of a mutual friend, and my now maid-of-honor) that he was now dating the girl from the photographs I'd seen, and wanted me to hear from him. For 9 months, we had no contact. Due to mutual friends, I heard about him once in a while. I knew he had turned down the wrong path, away from God. I knew his relationship was not a good one. 7 months after we split, I heard about the depression. With that information, many of the things he had said the last time I saw him finally made sense.

So, why am I telling you all about the horrible break-up? Well, it's probably more for me than for you. Every time I re-tell the story, I re-live it, and heal a little bit more. But, the reason I began to tell you about all of this is so you can truly see the beauty of how God worked next . . .

I will post the conclusion of the story on a new post . . . this one has ended up being much longer than planned!

stay tuned for the next episode of "Days of Amanda's Life". haha.

Blinding Light

2010-03-13T01:34:00.000-08:00

Have you ever looked at a bright light? At first, it may have been painful, but if you kept looking at it, your eyes adjusted and everything else seemed to disappear in the darkness? Ever think this experience would be a life lesson?

I've been having a difficult time lately focusing on God. It all started with not giving enough time to God in prayer. And when our relationship began to struggle, it became more difficult for me to live the life He asks me to live. It was harder to not be anxious about the future, harder to love in difficult situations, harder to keep my mind pure, and ultimately harder to stay away from the temptations of life. I was so frustrated with myself. I just kept falling short of what I was called to be. In the midst of this disappointment, I attended Catholic Underground (an amazing ministry in LA that starts with a holy hour and continues with some kind of artist "underground" in the basement of the Church).

During adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, the Church is dimmed and a spotlight is directed at the monstrance. At the particular location I (or rather God) had picked, the light hit perfectly on the metal to shine right into my eyes. At first, the blinding light hurt my eyes and I tried to avoid it, but then I realized that God was telling me something through this experience.

Instead of avoiding the light, I stared right into it. After moments of squinting and bearing the pain, my eyes adjusted to the light. It became easy to stare right at the monstrance. And the more I focused on Christ, the less I could see anything else. Everything outside of the path of light faded until it disappeared and I could only see the light. It was truly a "blinding light". And that's when it all made sense!

So many times in life, we get so distracted by everything and start stumbling along our path so much that we forget how to keep moving forward after we keep falling. Jesus was showing me that if I would only focus on Him, everything else wouldn't be so difficult. That the more I focused on Him, the more I would adjust and get used to focusing on Him. That if I'd only keep my eyes on Him, soon I wouldn't even be able to see the temptations that were in the darkness anymore. Just like focusing on the light made all that was out of it's path disappear, so would focusing on Christ make everything not in the path to Christ fade and disappear. He was showing me that it wouldn't be so difficult, I just needed to put my spiritual blinders on and focus on Christ!

As I began to re-center on Christ in my life, it wasn't long before everything that was distracting me in the shadows faded away into the darkness and disappeared.

Mondays Miracles - Leading Teens Closer to Christ

2010-03-08T23:33:00.000-08:00

Today, my Monday Miracle is that I not only made it through last week, but with flying colors! Let me give you a little taste of my world . . .

I work as a Youth Minister in a Catholic Church. My position requires many hats, namely: Coordinator or EDGE Middle School Ministry (including first communion preparation), RCIA-Teen Coordinator, RCIA-Children Coordinator, and Lux Dei Young Adult Ministry Co-coordinator. Needless to say, this job has been quite literally full-filling. I often find that I end my days wondering what happened to my personal life. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. I've wanted to minister to the youth of Our Church since I myself was a youth. And every time I make that connection with a kid, I remember why I chose this profession.

The problem with my job is that I simply can't put all I want to in each of the ministries. I am not one to only do something half-way, so it's been a difficult journey. Though I am confident that each of the ministries I am leading are better now than they were when I moved to California, it's difficult for me to accept that I simply can't do everything. This past week proved me right!

My weeks schedule:
Monday - EDGE (Middle School Ministry with 180 kids attending one of two sessions)
Tuesday - RCIA adapted for Teens
Wednesday - RCIA adapted for Children (Penitetial Rite and Anointing of Catechumens)
Thursday - Interviews for 1st Reconciliation all day, class for the same kids that evening. Plan stations of the cross for Saturday's retreat.
Friday - Set up and prepare for Saturday's all day retreat (Many hours . . .)
Saturday - All Day RCIA-Teen Retreat (9am-9pm)
Sunday - RCIA 1st Scrutiny - My turn to dismiss with them to discuss the readings.

Needless to say, it was a LONG week. All this aside, I also got a difficult message from a friend at the beginning of the week. And just as a joke from God, he also decided to make this my . . . we'll say "emotional" week.

I was dreading the week just coming to work on Monday. But as the week slowly moved forward, I found that I was able to meet all off my responsibilities, come to peace with my friends message, and get my emotions somewhat under control. And as I trusted God with the crazy week ahead, He simply used me as an instrument in His plan.

Monday went pretty well, and the activity we used to process the Liturgy of the Word really taught the kids how to use the Bible for prayer. Tuesday was a little hectic when one of my catechists had to cancel last minute. But thanks to a wonderful team, the situation was quickly taken care of. Wednesday was the first time I lead a Rite all by myself, and it went rather smoothly. Many commented on the beauty of the event. Thursday began to get even more stressful. Every second of the 8 hours I worked was occupied by the day's scheduled activities. My interviewees actually went very well, and I think the kids enjoyed our activity on how to go to confession. The stations of the cross also went well and were somewhat planned by the time we finally left the building. Friday was a busy, yet enjoyable day. Filled with pulling together our resources to create a retreat environment and shopping for the days supplies and food. I spent most of the late evening/early morning fighting with my computer to make CDs.

Saturday came so quickly, and I was scared all day that it would go terribly wrong because of something I probably forgot. But fortunately for us, God had a plan. The retreat was long and took alot of work out of the team, but it was a beautiful retreat that I think really hit home with the kids. And very few things went wrong all day! :)

Thank you, God, for getting me through this week. Thank you for using me to get your work done in this world. I praise you for all you have done through me to "Lead Teens Closer to Christ".

Thankful Thursday

2010-03-05T02:29:00.001-08:00

Today I'm Thankful for:

God being constant when my emotions are not even close.

The parents that thanked me today: One for being an encouraging and positive teacher, one said her son never did this well, that I work so well with them, and another for being an understanding and great teacher. Those parents have no idea how much I needed that today!

God giving us encouragement (through others) just when He knows we need it.

Volunteers that give of their time to help serve the youth of our Church

A clean apartment and a clean car!

Parents that always taught me to take responsibility for myself (in school, work, activities, etc.)

The priests of our Church and their service to us

My loving family

My fiance's generosity

The many hundreds of friends that have crossed my path through the years of my life

The Eucharist

A Tune for Tuesday

2010-03-01T00:04:00.000-08:00

Well, today is not Tuesday . . . but who cares about boundaries! :)

I was searching the internet for different songs today, when I ran across this song. It may be well known to many, but it was a first listen for me. I grew still, listening to the simple, meaningful lyrics. It didn't take very many bars for tears to begin trickling down my cheaks.

In these simple words, is not our whole desire written? Is it not our simple desire to just do His Will? To be used by Him? How many times do I stumble and fall along the journey. Trying to do things right, to get things done on time, to make things perfect, when all we need to do is simply lay it at the foot of the cross and give our daily lives to Him. I pray this song moves you to lay all you have before our Lord today.

My Desire: Jeremy Camp

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone
laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all
down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose
inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be
set free today
Then lay it all down before the King

This is my
desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by You

You
want to be real, you want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to
feel You near
And I know my life
It's to do Your will
It's to do
Your will

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to
be used by You
Oo yea
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be
used by You

All my life I have seen
Where You've taken me
Beyond
all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can
do to repay all You've done
So I give my hands to use

This is my
desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You
Oo yea
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be used by You

"Let us not fast in vain."

2010-02-21T22:43:00.001-08:00

Often, when I'm looking for a daily mass to attend, I head to masstimes.org to find the latest Mass that fits into my schedule. Yes, I will not deny that mornings are not my favorite time of day. Once I'm up and going, I love when I have gotten up early. Unfortunately, that is the last thing I care about when I'm hitting snooze.

On Friday, In keeping with my normal routine, I attending an evening Mass at a parish a small distance away. The readings, as is fitting for Lent, focused on fasting. The first reading called us to see the meaning of our fast.

Isaiah 58:1-9
Thus says the Lord GOD:
Cry out full-throated and
unsparingly,
lift up your voice like a trumpet blast;
Tell my people
their wickedness,
and the house of Jacob their sins.
They seek me day
after day,
and desire to know my ways,
Like a nation that has done what
is just
and not abandoned the law of their God;
They ask me to declare what is due them,
pleased to gain access to God.
“Why do we fast, and you do not see it?
afflict ourselves, and you take no note of it?”

Lo, on your fast day you carry out your own pursuits,
and drive all your laborers.
Yes, your fast ends in quarreling and fighting,
striking with wicked claw.
Would that today you might fast
so as to make your voice heard on high!
Is this the manner of fasting I wish,
of keeping a day of penance:
That a man bow his head like a reed
and lie in sackcloth and ashes?
Do you call this a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD?
This, rather, is the fasting that I wish:
releasing those bound unjustly,
untying the thongs of the yoke;
Setting free the oppressed,
breaking every yoke;
Sharing your bread with the hungry,
sheltering the oppressed and the homeless;
Clothing the naked when you see them,
and not turning your back on your own.
Then your light shall break forth like the dawn,
and your wound shall quickly be healed;
Your vindication shall go before you,
and the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer,
you shall cry for help, and he will say:
Here I am!

Talk about a wake up call! Is it not too often that Catholics refrain from eating or doing something without praying with it? How many times have we, ourselves, failed to genuinely pray through our fast, rather than simply abstaining from something?

The priest at this parish gave a wonderful homily. He closed with a simple, yet profound, statement: "Let us not fast in vain."

What good is fasting if there is no meaning behind it but simple will-power? What good is abstaining from meat on Fridays if we have our favorite seafood instead? What is the point of "giving up" chocolate if we do not thank Christ for His sacrifice each time we pass up a treat? How is unplugging a television set have any purpose if we do not use our newly free time to give glory to God?

"Lent is not about a bunch of praying. It is not about fixing a few bad habits. Lent is about reorienting our life toward the end for which we were created" (Fr. Andy Alexander)

As we enter this first week of Lent, let's prayerfully focus on the meaning of our actions. It is through this season that we have the opportunity to celebrate the Paschal mystery with mind and heart renewed.

California Adventures of a Missouri vagabond

2010-02-20T11:10:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've updated the items I've crossed off the "California Bucket List" I made months ago. I've made a little progress, eliminating two adventures from the to-do list. Thus, there are two stories to tell.

~~Disneyland~~

I finally made it to Disneyland after living just a short drive away from it for a year and a half. Our parish staff takes "staff days" periodically throughout the year, and in December, we found out we were going to Disneyland! Best part about that, it was free! I've always wanted to go to Disneyland, but spending 90-something dollars to go to an amusement park for a day just doesn't fit into my budget or my common sense. I would have liked to spend a little more time there, and be able to go on some of the more exciting rides, but none-the-less, I knocked something off the list without spending a dime!

The places I experienced: Star Tours, Mad Tea Party, It's a Small World, Jungle Cruise, Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Carribbean, Soaring over California, California Screamin'. (I think that about does it).

(Above: In the "A" of "California")

Overall, Disneyland was a neat place to visit. I don't think it quite met my expectations (everyone talks about how wonderful it is). Don't get me wrong, I had a great time, but I honestly doubt I'll ever pay for a full priced ticket, and certainly wouldn't get a season pass. If I had kids, it seems more likely that I would consider it, but even then, I'm not so sure I spend $200 a person to go.

I may, however, do a community service day and get a free ticket! That seems more than worth it! :)

(Above: Tea cup madness!)

~~Canter's Deli~~

Our trip to Canter's Deli was a wonderful memory! Last night, a good friend came over to have a girl's night and catch up with each other. We ate dinner, updated each other on the latest happenings of our lives, and then we moved on to the internet. At this point, my blog came up, and soon, we were looking at the bucket list. As we went through what I had yet to cross-off, we made it to Canter's Deli. It wasn't long after she mentioned that they were open 24-hours that we were headed out the door at 12:00 am to drive into LA! After a quick stop to fill up the gas take, we were off!

A short 40 min. later, we were walking up to the door of a 24-hour Jewish Deli. We opted to sit near the bar in order to hear the band that was playing. It was a joy to watch the many interesting people that came in and out of the restaurant, especially at 2:00 am! I ordered a staple grilled honey ham sandwich that was delicious, while my partner-in-crime ordered the matzo ball soup (her favorite). We enjoyed great conversation, delicious food, and a warm cup of coffee before we made our way toward the exit. We didn't fail to stop by the bakery on our way out though! I have yet to try any of the treats I purchased, but I can assure you that it was money (and will be calories) well spent!

It was a crazy trip, and I'm definitely tired from staying up until 4:00 am, but I find that these not so logical, but not stupid or dangerous, decisions have become the most memorable times of my life.

The California Bucket List

1) ~~Learn to Surf~~
2) Swim with the Dolphins at Sea World
3) Visit and hike Catalina Island
4) ~~Hollywood~~
5) ~~Malibu~~
6) ~~Santa Barbara~~
7) ~~Dodgers Statium~~
8) See a movie premeire
9) ~~Hike to the Hollywood sign~~
10) Stay at Hotel del Coronado
11) Channel Islands
12) Lake Arrowhead
13) ~~Joshua Tree~~
14) Palm Springs
15) Yosemite
16) Vegas
17) ~~Disneyland~~
18) Grand Canyon
19) ~~Sequoia National Park~~
20) ~~Drive Pacific Coast Highway~~
21) Huntington Library
22) San Francisco
23) ~~The Missions~~ (Fulfilled in Santa Barbara)
24) Kayaking caves at La Jolla
25) ~~Hearst Castle~~
26) Sailing
27) Death Valley
28) Hollywood Bowl
29) Whale Watching
30) Grunion Runs (with my Dad)
31) ~~San Diego Zoo~~
32) La Brea Tar Pits
33) The Ghetty Museum
34) ~~Griffith Observatory~~
35) Universal Studios
36) ~~Santa Monica Pier~~
37) Eat at Planet Hollywood
38) Venice Boardwalk
39) ~~Santa Monica Promenade~~
40) Be an extra or in the studio audience of a TV show
41) LA County Museum of Art
42) Pantages Theater
43) Tommy's Burger
44) ~~Canter's Deli~~
45) ~~Philippe's French Dip Sandwich~~
46) ~~Fashion District~~
47) ~~Olvera Street~~
48) Tijuana
49) Move back to Missouri

Life or Death Decisions

2010-02-19T02:26:00.000-08:00

Moses said to the people:
“Today I have set before you
life and
prosperity, death and doom.
If you obey the commandments of the LORD, your
God,
which I enjoin on you today,
loving him, and walking in his ways,
and keeping his commandments, statutes and decrees,
you will live and
grow numerous,
and the LORD, your God,
will bless you in the land you
are entering to occupy.
If, however, you turn away your hearts and will not
listen,
but are led astray and adore and serve other gods,
I tell you
now that you will certainly perish;
you will not have a long life
on the
land that you are crossing the Jordan to enter and occupy.
I call heaven and
earth today to witness against you:
I have set before you life and death,
the blessing and the curse.
Choose life, then,
that you and your
descendants may live, by loving the LORD, your God,
heeding his voice, and
holding fast to him.
For that will mean life for you,
a long life for
you to live on the land that the LORD swore
he would give to your fathers
Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.”
Dt. 30:15-20

Today was the second day of my Lenten Challenge, to attend daily Mass. This task wasn't quite as difficult when I was living at college (considering there were Masses each day from 7:15 am to 9:30 pm). But since I have graduated, it has become difficult for me to make a commitment. I willingly admit that it is because of my lack of self-discipline. I simply love to sleep, I can't help it! It is my hope that after completing this Lenten Challenge, I will easily be able to continue it as a Challenge for life.

I got myself out of bed this morning for the latest morning mass I could find in the area. 2 days down, 38 to go. Today's reading was Deuteronomy 30:15-20. God always has a way of making the daily mass readings exactly what I need to learn from that day.

Moses makes it pretty simple for us, and clearly puts it in black or white: Choose life, or choose death. It couldn't be put any simpler. But it really got me thinking. Every single step I take in life is either toward life, or toward death; toward heaven, or toward hell; toward God, or away from Him. Each morning that I decide my sleep is more important than meeting My Lord at Mass, each day I don't do my best at my job, each day I fail to spend enough time in prayer, I'm choosing death. It seems a little harsh . . . but it's entirely true!

In every decision we have, God sets before us "life and death, the blessing and the curse." Which will you choose? "Death and doom", or "life and prosperity"?

Let us, as Moses encourages us to do today, "CHOOSE LIFE"!

May this Lenten Season bring you new grown, purity, and life. May we always remember to strive for sainthood, aiming for heaven.

"Remember, man, you are dust and to dust you will return."

2010-02-19T01:52:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, we began the journey of the season of Lent. For those readers who may not be Catholic, you have probably seen Catholics walking around with dirt on their foreheads. You may have heard Catholics talking about what they are "giving up for Lent" and saying "it's Friday, I can't eat meat." Often, this is about all that the general public knows of Lent, and sadly, many Catholics don't know much more.

Lent is the the liturgical season that begins on Ash Wednesday and ends on Holy Thursday. This season is 40 days long (not counting Sundays when we celebrate the Resurrection of Christ), commemorating the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert (which reflected the 40 years the Israelites spent wandering the desert). This season is a time of reflection, prayer, fasting, abstinence, and alms giving. It's an invitation to grow closer to Christ and prepare our hearts for Easter.

Ash Wednesday is a day that we particularly address the reality of sin and death. We stop to remember that we will leave this earth, it is not our home. On a very practical level, Lent is a time for us to examine our lives. It is a time for us to get our priorities straight and refocus on Our Lord. In a special way, we enter the desert with Christ during this season. We "give things up" in order to free our hearts for God.

This year, I'm giving up a habit that takes up much of my time each day. It is my hope to spend the time I will now have free focusing on God. Either reading spiritual books, the bible, praying, going to mass, etc. It is my intention this year to truly enter into the beauty of this season. To re-align my priorities and focus again on making each day focused on joining my will with My Lord. To remember that this Earth is not our Final Destination. And to remember, as we are reminded every year on Ash Wednesday that "we are dust, and to dust we will return."

“Remember, man, you are dust and to dust you will return.” Gen. 3:19

I just wanna be the girl I used to be when I was me and worry free . . .

2010-01-28T02:03:00.001-08:00

Wow, it's been quite a while since I updated last. As I sit here wondering where my life has taken me since my last post, I quickly realized why I haven't been using my keyboard lately.

When taking a silly "How Well do you know your future spouse" quiz with my fiance a few weeks ago, one of the questions for him was as follows: "How would your future wife describe herself? A: Optimist, Pessimist, or Realist." His answer: Optimist (that is what she would say). He didn't mean this to hurt me, but it really hit me. All my life, I've been optimistic. I generally always look on the bright side of things and can always see the good in a situation. It took this moment with my future hubby to realize that I've lost my optimistic attitude.

I haven't been posting recently because I like to post positive and happy posts, or at least not pessimistic ones. The last month or two have been increasingly more difficult for me, and harder to look on the bright side. I can't put my finger on one situation or event that has caused this, but I can see that it's there. Maybe it's being away from my fiance. Maybe it's because my responsibilities at work have become more difficult to meet. Maybe it's because I miss old friends, or because my friends in California just don't seem to have enough time for a social life. Maybe it's because I live alone and don't have my roommates that always seemed to take my mind off the stresses of life. Maybe it's because I'm planning a wedding from 1500 miles away or because I'm ready to move home. Maybe it's because no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get my life schedule in order, or because I can't seem to stick to a healthy lifestyle. Maybe it's because I recognize the loss of my optimistic tendencies. Of course, it's probably a mixture of all of these.

All my life, people have commented on the fact that I'm always smiling, that I'm always happy, that I radiate joy. Of course, in reality, I was not always smiling or always happy, but a majority of the time, I chose to be. It's been a year or two since I've heard that comment about me, but it wasn't until now that I realized it's absence.

I guess I'm just disappointed. I'm sitting here wondering if the people in California even know the real me. Because that optimistic, joyfully, happy, and smiling person is me. I think that I must have been me when I moved here, but somewhere along the way, I've lost myself in the stress of life.

What does all this mean? It's time for change! It's time to set some goals. Today, I am determined to find myself again. I am determined to fix my sleeping schedule, eating habits, attitude, and prayer life. I am determined to believe in myself and God's plan. I am determined to give the kids that are counting on me all that I can before I leave. I am determined to set out on more adventures, be more diligent at work, and not stress about work when I'm not on the clock. I am determined to enjoy planning a wedding and give my fiance more attention. I am determined that I will make the most of the next 5 months. I am determined to show California the real me before I head back to the midwest.

Here's to the new (or old) and improved me! It's time to kick my sanguine butt into gear, and it's going to take the choleric me to do it!

"Uncle Chuck Brownies"

2009-12-23T19:54:00.000-08:00

It's been a week since Uncle Chuck's death, almost to the hour. As my parents house is a whirlwind of preparations for Christmas, I chose to make my new brownie creation that I created over Thanksgiving break.

When I came home last month, my fiance and I were planning to stop by to see my uncle on the way to KC from STL. I wanted to bring something for him, but I didn't have very much extra time to bake during the short time I was in Missouri. I decided brownies would be acceptable and take less time than the apple pie I normally make around Thanksgiving. I generally don't like brownies that I make, they always tend to be too thin and hard around the edges. I've never been very pleased with them. So, I began to brainstorm with my mom. I love brownies that are thick and moist . . . so, maybe I could put two boxes of brownies into one pan. And a bag of chocolate chips would make them more moist, right? I placed the brownies into the oven, hopeful about the results of the new experiment. When the brownies were done, they looked delicious!

As I sit here waiting for those same brownies to bake, I'm thinking of my Uncle and adding one last thing to the recipe. When we took the brownies to my uncle, he was not at all disappointed at the sight of brownies. He suggested my aunt bring in "that stuff to make it al a mode!" Whipped Cream! I know that I will forever think of Uncle Chuck when I make these brownies, and I am confident that he is hear with us this season. So, here's the simple, yet absolutely delicious recipe, for all to share!

Uncle Chuck Brownies

Ingredients

2 Boxes Brownie Mix (including all ingredients: i.e. eggs, oil, water)

1 bag of Milk Chocolate Chips

1 Carton Whipped Cream

Heat oven as directed according to box's 8X8 (Thickest) temperature

Grease bottom of 9 X 13 pan, or spray with nonstick cooking spray.

Combine one box of brownie mix and ingredients as directed on box.

Pour batter into pan. Sprinkle chocolate chips evenly over brownie batter.

Then, combine second box of brownie mix and ingredients as directed on box. Pour batter into pan, over chocolate chip layer.

Bake according to time on box for 8X8 pan (Thickest). Remove from oven and let cool.

When serving, add dollop of whipped cream to each serving. Store covered.

Forever he is free, You hold him now . . .

2009-12-17T01:26:00.000-08:00

On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace

All my fear is swept away
In the light of your embrace
When Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name

"You Hold Me Now" by Hillsong

Today, my uncle and God-father went to be with Our Lord. He had been bravely battling the monster of pancreatic cancer, but after a valient effort, his battle and pain is now over.

I had just stepped off of the plane in Kansas City when I returned my mother's message. Not the most pleasant greeting to my Christmas vacation . . . I've been thinking about my dad, his brothers and sisters, my aunt, and my cousins alot, and praying that God holds them tight in His arms to ease their pain. As I contemplated if God was giving each of them the comfort they need in this difficult time, it was made evidently clear to me that, based on my own experiences, there is no doubt in my mind that He is doing just that.

Since I started dating my now fiance, I have lost 3 people in my life. Each time I heard the heartbreaking news, I was hours away from my family, but God gave me the blessing of placing Dan nearby to comfort me. The first, a life-long family friend that I shared most of my childhood vacations with. I was living in St. Louis at the time, and able to leave early from work and head straight to Dan's house. The second, my grandfather. I was at college at the time, 4 1/2 hours from home, but Dan happened to be visiting me that weekend and was sitting next to me when I got the phone call. And today, my Uncle Chuck. I had just met my fiance at the gate when I returned my mother's call.It's amazing how God always puts everything into place.

God is a comforting and loving Father. Even though we are joyful in knowing that our loved ones are finally with Him in heaven, he knows how difficult and painful it is for us to see them go and continue life on earth without them. So here is my moment of clarity: I can guarantee that in each of the situations I mentioned above, I was not the first person that God needed to comfort at the time. If God was taking so much care to place me in situations that would provide cushioning for the grief, he must be taking that much more care of those who are closest to that loved one.

Thank you, Lord, for your unending love and care for your grieving children. Please continue to comfort and hold my family in your arms as we endure the heartache, especially my aunt.

My greatest memories of my uncle: When he, his wife, and another aunt and uncle came to visit me while I studied abroad in Italy. They bought me my first drink of alcohol for my 21st birthday (Italian wine, of course)! The days throughout my life that we would go to Sunday Mass and see Uncle Chuck. It was always a pleasant surprise and gift to see him when he was in town. The times he was goofy and silly; when he was most joyful. When he and my aunt witnessed my baptism an pledged to teach me about Christ. (ok, so I don't remember this, but it is great!)

Uncle Chuck, thank you for your presence in my life, when you knew you were making a difference and when you didn't. We love you and will miss you until we meet again.

For the repose of the soul of Chuck Stack: Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

Most faithful God, lively is the courage of those who hope in You. Your servant Chuck suffered greatly, but placed his trust in Your mercy. Confident that the petition of those who mourn pierces the clouds and finds an answer, we beg You, give rest to Chuck. Do not remember his sins, but look upon his sufferings and grant him refreshment, light, and peace. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Isaiah 40:29-31
He gives strength to the weary, and strenght to the powerless . . . They that hope in the LORD will renew their strength, they will soar as with eagles' wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

A Blog I'd like to share with the blogging world

2009-12-12T14:55:00.000-08:00

A friend from college has an amazing story being told at this blog. I strongly suggest everyone read about her and her husbands little saint. :)

Baby Cronister Updates

Making progress!

2009-11-19T20:21:00.000-08:00

I've gotten so much done lately due to my sisters visiting and helping me cross things off the list! Those that are bold are the most recently accomplished.

My oldest sister and I attempted surfing. I wouldn't say I succeeded, but I did learn how to do it. I'll attempt to actually surf again! We also drove to Malibu and the Santa Monica Promenade. The middle sister came and we crossed of many items! Driving PCH, Santa Barbara, one of the missions, Hearst Castle, and Sequoia National Park! And all of that was in one weekend! :D

Here's the updated list! We're making progress. I'll be going to Disneyland in a few weeks, so that one will soon be crossed off. :)

The California Bucket List

1) ~~Learn to Surf~~
2) Swim with the Dolphins at Sea World
3) Visit and hike Catalina Island
4) ~~Hollywood~~
5) ~~Malibu~~
6) ~~Santa Barbara~~
7) ~~Dodgers Statium~~
8) See a movie premeire
9) ~~Hike to the Hollywood sign~~
10) Stay at Hotel del Coronado
11) Channel Islands
12) Lake Arrowhead
13) ~~Joshua Tree~~
14) Palm Springs
15) Yosemite
16) Vegas
17) Disneyland
18) Grand Canyon
19) ~~Sequoia National Park~~
20) ~~Drive Pacific Coast Highway~~
21) Huntington Library
22) San Francisco
23) ~~The Missions~~ (Fulfilled in Santa Barbara)
24) Kayaking caves at La Jolla
25) ~~Hearst Castle~~
26) Sailing
27) Death Valley
28) Hollywood Bowl
29) Whale Watching
30) Grunion Runs (with my Dad)
31) ~~San Diego Zoo~~
32) La Brea Tar Pits
33) The Ghetty Museum
34) ~~Griffith Observatory~~
35) Universal Studios
36) ~~Santa Monica Pier~~
37) Eat at Planet Hollywood
38) Venice Boardwalk
39) ~~Santa Monica Promenade~~
40) Be an extra or in the studio audience of a TV show
41) LA County Museum of Art
42) Pantages Theater
43) Tommy's Burger
44) Canter's Deli
45) ~~Philippe's French Dip Sandwich~~
46) ~~Fashion District~~
47) ~~Olvera Street~~
48) Tijuana
49) Move back to Missouri

Help us Win a Free Honeymoon!

2009-11-19T09:15:00.001-08:00

My Fiance and I are trying to win a free honeymoon! Help us get to the top of the comments page and leave a comment! It only takes 30 seconds and we'd really appreciate it! :) Thanks!

http://global.theknot.com/contests/Dream-Resorts-Spas-Contest/Story.aspx?EntryId=6093

Another Tune for a Tuesday: "Don't Be Afraid" by Pete Buncher

2009-11-10T23:58:00.000-08:00

"Don't Be Afraid"
Pete Buncher

Don't be afraid,
I'll hold your hand.
Don't be afraid,
I'll help you stand
For me.

Don't be afraid,
I cast no stones.
And though you may roam,
I'll lead you, I'll lead you home.

I gave my life,
So that you would live with me.
I've broken my body,
So that you may be free.
So come follow me.

Don't be afraid,
I go before you.
This price is paid,
I love you, I'll lead you home.

I gave my life,
So that you would live with me.
I've broken my body,
So that you would be free.
Come follow me.

Don't be afraid,
my voice is in you.
Just walk my way,
I love you, and I'll lead you home.
Oh I love you, and I'll lead you home.

This Tuesday called for a double dose of lyrics! A friend from high school youth group just released his first CD! I'm listening to it for the first time right now, and as this song came on, I was filled with joy. I remember listening to this song a few years back in his college campus house. Who would have know (answer: God) that it would be speaking to me again today!

Download the album on iTunes! And if you're in the St. Louis area, head to his CD release party this Saturday at 6:30 pm at Assumption Parish in SoCo!

Congrats Pete! And thanks for a beautiful album to bless my ears!

A Tune for a Tuesday

2009-11-10T23:24:00.000-08:00

"Alive Again"
Matt Maher

I woke up in darkness
Surrounded by silence
Oh where, oh where have I gone?
I woke to reality Losing its grip on me

Oh where, where have I gone?
'Cause I can see the light
Before I see the sunrise
You called and You shouted

Broke through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness

Washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
Late have I loved You
You waited for me, I searched for You

What took me so long?
I was looking outside
As if Love would ever want to hide
I'm finding I was wrong

'Cause I feel the wind
Before it hits my skin
'Cause I want You,
Yes I want You I need You, and I'll do

Whatever I have to just to get through
'Cause I love You,
Yeah I love You

This song is perfectly placed this Tuesday. I just got of off a retreat that I lead this weekend, and though I lead it, it was just as much a retreat for me as it was for those in attendance. I've been living a busy life full of 5 different ministries, a long distance relationship, sister visits, and preparing for the holidays (not to mention the overbearing stress of wedding planning soon to come). In the midst of it all, it became easy for me to put my prayer life on the back burner, and consequently, lose touch with my Lord. I saw it happening and just couldn't figure out how to break out of the cycle.

Thankfully, My Lord "shattered my darkness" and helped me to break through and find him again. I'm determined to stay alive! I've begun my Daily Mass Challenge, determined to make Christ the beginning, middle, and end of each day. The Eucharist is the greatest gift, one that I refuse to leave unopened each day.

Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness even when I am not. Thank you for waiting for me, finding me, and slapping me in the face when I need it. Thank you for a beautiful weekend, a beautiful retreat, and for all of the ways you worked through each person on the retreat. Thank you for the gift of the Eucharist! May I never leave the gift unopened again! :) I love you, Lord!

A Tune for Tuesday: Lessons Learned

2009-10-20T02:00:00.000-07:00

A Tribute to Loft 416! :D

Tuesday's Tune: Lessons Learned by Carrie Underwood
Loft 416 Theme Song!

There's some things that I regret
Some words I wish had gone unsaid
Some starts that had some bitter endings

Been some bad times I've been through
Damage I cannot undo
Some things, I wish I could do all all over again

But it don't really matter, Life gets that much harder
It makes you that much stronger
Oh, some pages turned, Some bridges burned
But there were Lessons learned

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night
Every change life has thrown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every scar
Some pages turned, some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made
Some chances I just threw away
Some roads I never should've taken

Been some signs I didn't see
Hearts that I hurt needlessly
Some wounds that I wish I could have one more chance to mend

But it don't make no difference
The past can't be rewritten
You get the life you're given
Oh, some pages turned, some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night
Every change life has thrown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every scar
Some pages turned,Some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned

And all the things that break you
Are all the things that make you strong
You can't change the past, cause it's gone
And you just gotta move on
Because it's all lessons learned

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night
Every change life has thrown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every scar
Some pages turned,Some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned

Miss you Loft 416!

Miracle Monday: October 19, 1985

2009-10-20T01:22:00.001-07:00

Monday's Miracle: My Birth!

Today was my birthday! I should be excited, but it felt just like any other day. I couldn't help but be homesick for the days of waking up to college roommates who decorated and made the day something special. It's a reality that I'm not in college anymore and I will no longer live in the dorms, but I'm finding it difficult to grasp.

I don't expect things to be different now than it currently is, and I'm not complaining! My parents were great today. They called this morning to tell me to go pick up the cake they'd ordered for me. :) I took it to the office where a staff member had made me a cake and the staff had a little party for me at our 3:00 break. My small group leaders had the kids sing happy birthday to me. But even with it all, it just didn't seem like my birthday. I think I'm just getting old.

But in any case, I thought a great first Monday Miracle would be the miracle of Life! :)

On this day, I am thinking of all those in my generation that were not allowed to live long enough for their own birthdays. What a horrible injustice! In this Pro-life Month I pray for a change of heart, an education of those that are ignorant, and for each of us to fight to end the killing of the most innocent of human life!

Saturday's Saint: St. Joseph

2009-10-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

I've officially decided that Saturday with be "Saturday's Saint" and Sunday with be "Sunday's Scripture".

So, due to the place St. Joseph has played in my life and relationship, we're going to start with him!

St. Joseph

Patron Saint of: chastity/purity, marriage, fathers, carpenters, engineers, the unborn, families, happy death, house hunters, people in doubt, protector of the Church, social justice, travellers, Universal Church, Vatican II, working people.

St. Joseph is my favorite saint for many reasons. He is a beautiful example of how to follow God's will, even when it is not what you had planned on and when things don't make sense. I cannot truly imagine the position he and his wife were in when they found out about Jesus, but I imagine it was much worse than anyone could imagine today. They beautifully followed God's lead, blindly and faithfully.

St. Joseph protected Mary and Joseph. Can you imagine having to travel such a long distance on a donkey and being 9 months pregnant?! He took care of Mary (and Jesus) and did his best to provide for them. And after all of that commotion, he blindly followed God's command to flee to Egypt at a moments notice!

The Nativity Movie gives a beautiful view of St. Joseph (though I'm not a big fan of how they portrayed Mary). It was after watching that movie that Dan and I officially decided to consecrate our relationship to St. Joseph. What is consecration? The easiest way for me to describe it is as an official declaration that we are asking Him to pray for our relationship continually. And it was through His prayers that I believe we came back together when things went ary (God knows we would not have ended up together if he didn't do something drastic!). The story is amazing, unbelievable, and beautiful! Thank you God and thank you St. Joseph for your constant prayers.

How does St. Joseph play a part in our relationship now?
1) He prays for us
2) We ask him every night to pray for us
3) We will consecrate our marriage to him next year
4) We plan to name our first boy after him
5) He's a great example for us and our soon-to-be family!

Thank you, St. Joseph, for your constant prayers, especially
when Dan and I need it the most. Thank you for your holy
example of a father and husband, and man of God.
Please continue to pray for us as we prepare for marriage!

Reminiscing on days past . . .

2009-09-18T01:47:00.000-07:00

Today, I took a trip down memory lane . . . I walked past good times, bad times, the best times, and the worst times.

My first stop was remembering the summer I spent on summer staff at Life Teen camps. I remembered flying into Atlanta and meeting everyone for the first time, waiting for Andrew (our latest arrival) and freaking him out as we bombarded him asking if he was Andrew. I remember David playing a joke on me before I even knew his name. The drive to Tiger was beautiful, and I'll never forget my first view of Covecrest. We were all so excited as we entered the staff cabin and claimed our beds.

I thought of the first week of summer staff training and retreat. I remembered the letter I wrote to me from God. I remember sitting in the garden at Mike's Place allowing God to heal my heart as He helped me to forgive. I remember Doro yelling to turn off alarm clocks, Anna's alarm (It's a Great Day to be Alive), and the packed shower house each day. I remember sleeping until the last minute before walked the peaceful path to the lodge to sing the "Wake Up Song" each morning. I remember praying in the Chapel. I will never forget the first time we walked to the waterfall. It was, and remains, one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.

I remember becoming great friends with some of the most beautiful people I have met, learning from them, and growing with them. I remember girl bonding time in the staff cabin. I remember Sarah's strength, Jennifer's caring heart, Kimberly's determination and ability to get the job done. I remember breaking open Andrew's shy shell and making him dance. I remember Rosko's support and talking with her about life and love, Francis' crazy humor, and Lisa's beautiful pictures. I remember star gazing with Caleb and the girls, the beauty of Sara and Paul's relationship and the hope it brought to me, and Adam's passion for the ministry. I remember Jason's inspiring words, Tina's spunky-ness, and getting to know Anna more than I had at BC. I remember Dot and Nick's maturity. I remember the prayer Holly gave me and David's love for each person he encountered. I remember our Austrians, Ben, Ramund,and Sam, and learning their German phrases. I remember Julie's patience and Katie's joy. I remember doing low ropes with Karyn (and failing to stay straight enough to make it to the end) and her positive attitude. I remember Liz's ability to focus on the task at hand and Doro's carefree excitement. I remember Molly's silliness and Tara's gorgeous smile. I remember Ty being able to make friends with everyone, Bradley being great with the less interested or difficult kids, and Ryan's deep thinking. I remember an amazing summer staff full of wonderful people.

I remember the first day with campers, our crazy pirate rule skit, Ty singing about bears, and talking with David and the campers that came to the "I don't really want to be here" groups. I remembered long days, ropes courses, water games, and snaps. I thought about our staff meetings each night (that just simply couldn't stay focused . . . and progressively got worse), meeting with the Tepeyac staff each evening, Bradley and Francis' crazy tangents of . . . craziness! I remember going "all in", lives being changed, and friends being made. I remember white water rafting with Ryan and popping out of the raft to get an amazing bruise. I remember praying night prayer with Nick and Dot. I remember the mud pit and Andrew and I sacrificing for the kids and jumping in together.

I remember the Tepeyac crew's last night in Georgia, doing laundry with Andrew, talking with Nick and Dot outside the cabins when Nick gave me a passage that would speak to me, watching Ty and Bradley dance to "Carry on my Wayward Son". I remember our last day at Covecrest, Mass, "You'll Never Let Go", group pictures, crying so ridiculously hard, driving away.

I remember the person I was when I arrived not being the person I was when I left. I remember my relationship with God, how he comforted me and took great care of my heart as he nursed it back to health and pieced it back together. I remember letting go. I remember being able to move forward with great excitement for what God's plan was for me. I remember my joy, peace, and acceptance.

I will never forget the two weeks I spent at Covecrest. It was there that my heart was healed and my life was changed.

Words that describe this stop on memory lane: forgiveness, healing, growth, love, friendships, God, blessings, life changing, the best summer of my life

NFP

2009-09-14T02:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I started looking at natural family planning . . . I can't believe I'm old enough for this! I mean, i know my driver's license and birth certificate indicate that I'm almost 24 years old, but I still feel like I'm 17. I just can't get into my head that I will actually be married, living with my husband, and planning a family!

For all who don't know or understand what Natural Family Planning (NFP) is, I will briefly explain. According to nfpandmore.org, "NFP is a way of following God’s plan for achieving and/or avoiding pregnancy. It consists of ways to achieve or to avoid pregnancy using the physical means that God has built into human nature." In plain English, it is charting the wife's cycle and signs of fertility in order to know when to "do the marriage dance" (as Chika would say), whether you are trying to get pregnant or avoid getting pregnant. The website also explains that, "Couples seeking to avoid pregnancy practice chaste abstinence during the fertile time of her cycle."

It's mildly amusing to me to see people's reactions when this topic comes up. But it makes SO much sense to me, even without getting into the countless reasons contraception is bad for a woman's body and it's connections with breast cancer. God didn't ask us to live a chaste life until we get married. We are still supposed to be chaste inside of marriage. Marital chastity is just different from single chastity. Lust is a sin, whether it be inside or outside of marriage. The ring that will be on my finger in a little over a year is not my free ticket to as much sex as I want. It is not a free ticket to using my husband as "a means to an end". It is a promise to love and cherish him for the rest of my life. To respect his dignity as a human being. It makes so much sense for God to have planned things the way he did. That there would be times in our married lives that we have to live in abstinence if we are unable to have another child at that time. In that time is when I imagine we will learn the most about respecting and not misusing the gift of sex. It is in that time that the virtue of temperance (moderation) will be strengthened. It is in this marital chastity that I see the most respect for God, his gift of sex, and my husband. I am so excited to embark on this journey!

On that day I will make a covenant with my husband to give ourselves to each other in marriage, to honor each other as man and wife for the rest of our life, and to accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church. I cannot wait for the second gift that comes from sex (the first is bonding), Children! I'm a little terrified of the childbirth process, but I'm excited to start a family!

So, why am we already talking about NFP and babies? Because in order to understand and know my cycle, it takes many months to see the regularity. Ergo, I will soon be charting my cycle, temperature . . . and other stuff daily. :-\ Maybe this will make me feel old and like I am actually getting married! haha. :)

Wednesday's Wardrobe

2009-09-02T23:23:00.000-07:00

It's been quite the week since my last post! I have miserably failed to continue my daily reflections . . . ugh. But I have good reason!

The day following my most recent post was very eventful! My boyfriend of 5 years (give or take a bit) proposed! The story is amusing, but rather long. But . . . I figured I'd use this as a perfect "wardrobe" change!

This is it! I am engaged to the man of my dreams! He's wonderful, dorky, sweet, and God's perfect match for me. And this wardrobe change symbolizes alot more than just a change in wardrobe. My whole life from this week on will be focused and planned around this one man.

What a beautiful and complex thought. I'm so eager and excited to start my life with him, the rest of my life! :) This is the best wardrobe change I could ask for! :D

Have a wonderful weekend bloggers! I'll be back again next Tuesday with a Tune!

Food-filled Friday

2009-08-29T01:40:00.000-07:00

Fridays will almost certainly not continue to be "food-filled", or at least named as such, but just as Wednesday's wardrobe happened to work out, today being food-filled was fitting!

I love watching "Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives" on The Food Network. A few weeks ago, I saw a dive that was nearby. So today, on the first day of my boyfriend's visit, we ate there!

Fab Hot Dogs!

This is me with my Texas Burrito Dog! It was "Fabulous!" It was filled with 2 dogs, chili, cheese, and bacon (without the mustard and onions . . . because I'm picky) wrapped in a tortilla shell.

That's all for now! I know it was late and short, but it's been a busy day, and I'm getting up EARLY for a hike! :D Have a wonderful Saturday!

Thoughtful Thursday

2009-08-27T00:18:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure Thursday's will stay "thoughtful", but right now, I don't have the time or energy to talk about "travels". So, thoughtful it is!

Thought of the Day:

"Every time that we do something we don't particularly "want" to do, out of our love for God or out of obedience, there is grace. Every time we put others' needs before our own, in humble acts of service, there is grace. Every time we endure hardship for the sake of our vocation, the gospel or Christ's Church, there is grace. ----------- Put simply, truly embracing your vocation means embracing what God wants you to do each day, not what you "feel like" doing. It means putting God first, not yourself."- Mark Hart (aka "The Bible Geek")

I remember the first time I read this. I had a great need to let go of my own desires and embrace The Father's plan. In reading this quote again today, I needed to hear it once again, but for completely different reasons. (and almost the opposite reason . . .)

The first time I read it, I was learning to let go of the future I had planned with someone. I learned to accept and embrace with joy God's plan for me to move wherever he needed me. Now, the lesson I'm constantly trying to allow God to teach me is to be patient and wait for the future I have planned with someone until it is God's time. I need to learn to accept that even though I am not where I want to be, I am where God wants me to be; and since it is where God wants me, I must make it my desire. I must learn to "embrace what God wants of me each day, not what I 'feel like' doing."

Ask anyone close to me and they'll tell you, I have not learned this lesson yet. Patience is my least favorite virtue to work on!

Wednesday's Wardrobe

2009-08-25T22:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how long Wednesday will stay a wardrobe day, but since I have actually made a dress recently, I thought I'd go with it! :)

I have had a great desire for new skirts and dresses lately, but since it is so difficult to find dresses that are modest, cute, and in my budget, I decided to put my sewing machine to good use. Sewing is such a theraputic and enjoyable activity for me. I always love the reaction when I say, "Thanks, I made it" when someone compliments my clothes. They are generally shocked that I even know how to sew!

So, this is the first of many dresses/skirts that I plan to make. The fabric is a satiny blue and white floral print. The pattern is fitted at the waist and has an A-line skirt. The process started off on a bumpy road. After pinning the pattern to the fabric, I began to cut. Only one piece into the process, I cut a pretty large chunk of my finger. I took care of this little problem and left the project for a day. The next evening, I got to work.

I started off making a size much larger than needed. It's not very easy to fit a pattern to yourself alone! I tried to make some alterations to make it fit, but it just wasn't working out. So, after sewing the whole dress, I had to rip out the whole thing and start all over. It took quite some time to rip out all of the seams, but thankfully the second round of sewing it went quickly. So, after quite a few hours, one bloody gash, and a few late nights later, the dress was finally finished! It is so comfortable, bright, and fun. It was definitely worth the work. :)

The next project will most likely be the black and white skirt. :)

A Tune for a Tuesday

2009-08-25T03:01:00.000-07:00

Being that it is Tuesday, the project begins! :)

SLEEP SONG - Rich Dittus

May your maker grant you peace
Let all your worries disappear
I pray you sleep without tears in your eyes
If you have tears let them be joyful cause your one step closer to heaven
And when you wake a new day breaks
Rejoice and sing

Hold me, Hold me Close to your heart
Hold me, Hold me Close to your heart

All your life you lived to fight to reach heaven
Battles you lost give to the cross and plead forgiveness
But don’t give up, he love you too much

I pray He holds you, holds you close to His heart

The whisper of God contains the answer
If we are quiet enough to hear
You are chosen and I love you
Do not fear
©2005 Rich Dittus

Rich is not only a wonderful singer, songwriter, and musician. He is a man with a beautiful soul and heart for Our Lord. I was blessed to spend a week long staff retreat listening to and learning from this man's example. Though he may have been well known and semi-famous to those in the room, you would not have guessed it from his actions or attitude. It is so beautiful to see a strong model of a humble, holy man of God. After purchasing his CD, this song became my "bedtime song" (another one became my morning song). Thank you, Lord, for the gift you give us through Rich.
http://richdittus.com/

Ideas that kept me awake tonight

2009-08-25T02:24:00.001-07:00

I've decided to do a posting for each day of the week. Based on my "teal" tendencies (a leadership style from a high school student council camp quiz) to start things with high hopes and great intentions, but eventually become disorganized and un-dedicated, I will not entertain the illusion that this will be a daily reflection. Regardless of these inclinations, I have made a resolution to do these at least a few times a week!

All of the days have not been decided as of this point, but I feel that God has put this on my heart. So, as he tells them to me, I shall make them known to the blogging world. These are my ideas thus far . . . whether they remain as such is still to be determined.

Sunday: Sunday's Saints - discovering a saint's story (whether "S" or "s", living on earth or in heaven).
Monday: Miracle Monday - I'm not sure of this one. The idea thus far is to find a miracle on Mondays. We'll see if anything else comes up!
Tuesday: A Tune for A Tuesday - This is the day that started the idea! I LOVE lyrics and what music can do for a soul. Thus, I will post lyrics to a meaningful song on Tuesdays.
Wednesday: Wednesday's Wardrobe - Probably the least thought out one thus far. If it stays, I'll report on the clothes I've been sewing, or great modest clothing, or . . . well, I just don't know yet! :)
Thursday: Thoughtful Thursday - or - Thursday's Travels - Thursdays will either be filled with quotes, bible verses, or other thoughts for the day, or by discovering new places I have or would like to travel.
Friday: Food-filled Friday - Another less than thought through idea. Possibly doing a mini "Julie and Julia" blog. Cooking something new for Fridays.
Saturday: Saturday's Strengths and Struggles - or - Saturday Scriptures - . . . looking back on the times I have been weak or strong through the week on Saturdays or reflecting on the readings for Sunday.

Any ideas or suggestions?

The Revised California Bucket List

2009-08-24T23:40:00.000-07:00

After many suggestions, I've revised (and doubled) my list! Looks like I better get busy crossing things off. :)

The California Bucket List

1) Learn to Surf
2) Swim with the Dolphins at Sea World
3) Visit and hike Catalina Island
4) ~~Hollywood~~
5) Malibu
6) Santa Barbara
7) ~~Dodgers Statium~~
8) See a movie premeire
9) ~~Hike to the Hollywood sign~~
10) Stay at Hotel del Coronado
11) Channel Islands Planner
12) Lake Arrowhead
13) ~~Joshua Tree~~
14) Palm Springs
15) Yosemite
16) Vegas
17) Disneyland
18) Grand Canyon
19) Sequoia National Park
20) Drive Pacific Coast Highway
21) Huntington Library
22) San Francisco
23) The Missions
24) Kayaking caves at La Jolla
25) Hearst Castle
26) Sailing
27) Death Valley
28) Hollywood Bowl
29) Whale Watching
30) Grunion Runs (with my Dad)
31) ~~San Diego Zoo~~
32) La Brea Tar Pits
33) The Ghetty Museum
34) ~~Griffith Observatory~~
35) Universal Studios
36) ~~Santa Monica Pier~~
37) Eat at Planet Hollywood
38) Venice Boardwalk
39) Santa Monica Promenade
40) Be an extra or in the studio audience of a TV show
41) LA County Museum of Art
42) Pantages Theater
43) Tommy's Burger
44) Canter's Deli
45) ~~Philippe's French Dip Sandwich~~
46) ~~Fashion District~~
47) ~~Olvera Street~~
48) Tijuana
49) Move back to Missouri

My California Bucket List

2009-08-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

Today, I decided to make a California bucket list. Hopefully it will help me to make the most of my time here. It will all be recorded on this blog. :) Here goes!

The California Bucket List

1) Learn to Surf
2) Swim with the Dolphins
3) Visit and hike Catalina Island
4) ~~Hollywood~~
5) Malibu
6) Santa Barbara
7) ~~Dodgers Statium~~
8) See a movie premeire
9) ~~Hike to the Hollywood sign~~
10) Stay at Hotel del Coronado
11) Channel Islands Planner
12) Lake Arrowhead
13) ~~Joshua Tree~~
14) Palm Springs
15) Yosemite
16) Vegas
17) Disneyland
18) Grand Canyon
19) Sequoia National Park
20) Drive Pacific Coast Highway
21) Huntington Library
22) San Francisco
23) The Missions

letting it out

2009-08-21T01:51:00.001-07:00

Today, I've decided I won't be insightful or optimistic. For whatever reason, I'm just not in a good mood. I feel like I'm consistently trying to stay afloat, do my best, and keep a joyful attitude, but quite frankly, I am sick of swimming. I just want to give up for a while. There's a great deal to be said for summer vacations . . . I wish the whole world took summer vacation. I miss the days that I could do something totally different for 2 or 3 months of my life and take my mind off of my normal life to regroup and gear up for another round. Those days are over . . . and the more and more I enter into the "big kid life" the more I miss college, my friends, and my community.

It's funny, the normal me would be positive right now. She'd keep her chin up, know God has her in a place for a reason, and knows that she can be happy no matter where God has her. But it seems that it is more and more difficult to keep my head up. Day by day, I wonder where that girl is. Where is the normal me? The positive me? I've been trying to keep my head up, to put on a happy face for people. Because when people ask how life is going for me, they want to hear that things are great. But the truth is, I hate being away from my boyfriend. I really don't like California that much. And my job, well, it's not what I expected.

So . . . that's that. I said it. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, but as of now, I'd love nothing more than to be living back in the loft with the girls.

Do not deprive yourself of something so advantageous . . .

2009-08-04T01:30:00.000-07:00

Today, this was the reading we had at a woman's prayer/study group I attended. And man, this surely kicked my butt! The things I considered most important I made bold. Read it, think about it, and amend your life as needed! May we all learn to spend quiet time reflecting on GOD! :)

The Imitation of Mary: Chapter 4, pg 110,
NECESSITY & ADANTAGES OF MEDITATION

♥ The Believer

O Cave of Bethlehem, let me experience what Mary felt when the shepherds came to adore Jesus in the manger! Or rather, do you yourself, Virgin Mother, show me the thoughts and feelings that were in your heart at that moment.

♥ Mary

My child, the deeply moving sight of God become an infant, in a manger, and wrapped in poor rags was for me a wide and inexhaustibly deep theme for my reflection. I could never weary of meditating on that great mystery. What I saw and heard was forever written in my heart and affected me profoundly. Even more than the shepherds did I wonder at the great things that were taking place; all the powers of my soul were concentrated on them. Countless tender affections sprang continuously from my heart, and I never ceased my praise and blessing of Almighty God.

My child, if you want a deeper understanding of the mysteries of faith you must take them seriously and meditate attentively on them.

Many Christians have but a weak faith because they neglect to nourish and strengthen it through meditation. The world is filled with so much crime and disorder, and the forgetfulness of the eternal truths is the reason for it. By meditating often on the perfections of God and the nothingness of things human the saints achieved detachment from creatures and were able to concentrate their affections on the Creator. Through this holy exercise they learned to value only what is great and valuable in God's eyes and their hearts were set on fire with a holy love that sought to lose itself in the bosom of God.

Therefore, let no day pass without feeding your soul on some salutary truth. That is how to learn the science of the saints. Do not excuse yourself with the claims that you have no time for meditation. What you lack is the will, not the time.

You have only one important business in life: to save your soul. Should you not think about it everyday?

You always find time to think seriously about the transitory business of this world. And yet there are no concerns closer to you or of greater importance to you than those of eternity.

Do not excuse yourself by saying you cannot meditate. You are quite able to reflect on countless matters of pure curiosity. Can you really claim that you are unable to think when it comes to reflecting on the great mysteries of faith and eternity? Admit rather that you have no great love for the Lord; admit that you are ungrateful. My child, your life will always be well ordered if you examine yourself daily in the presence of God and if you are what you ought to be in His sight.

Death will surely not take you by surprise if you learn each day how to die well. Spend just a quarter of an hour each day meditating before the altar or your crucifix on the greatness, mercy, threats, and promises of the Lord, and you will acquire a knowledge infinitely superior to that of all the philosophers whose works teach everything but the knowledge of eternal salvation.

Of what use is it for a man to have stocked in his mind with all the knowledge the world regards as practical and worthwhile if he lacks the knowledge the saints had, the knowledge that made them saints? You do not become virtuous simply by desiring it; you must seriously study and learn the means of becoming virtuous.

Never weary of asking Jesus for the grace to overcome your repugnance to an exercise from which the devil would gladly dissuade you, knowing as he does how important it is to you.

Do not deprive yourself of something so advantageous not only for yourself but for those who will be more especially entrusted to your care.

Those less fortunate

2009-06-29T05:37:00.000-07:00

I'm staying in Chicago this week, and this morning, I got up around 6:30 am to take a stroll around the area. The Starbucks I discovered seemed a wonderful place to grab breakfast before I headed back to my room to get ready for the day. As I approached the door, a man standing outside asked me something about the homeless. Being accustomed to saying no to anyone standing on the street (especially near store doors), I immediately said, "No thank you" without even knowing what he asked. As I opened the door, he said, "a sandwich would be mighty nice."

That's when it hit me. It wasn't until then that I actually chose to see him this time. As I entered the door, I glanced back at a man with a dirty trash bag ripped down the side enough to see an old sleeping bag. He was holding a cup of coffee (likely from a kind soul that had entered before me).

I entered the shop and stood in line, and as I stood there, I thought, how dare I not spend a few dollars to help him out. Here I am walking to a Starbucks for breakfast (when breakfast is offered to me free back at the dorm), and I can't even give him something to eat? Wouldn't those few dollars be much better spent helping someone who is struggling than anything else I planned to spend it on? Thankfully, by the time I heard "next" I had decided to get him whatever I was getting myself, he deserved nothing less than what I was feeding myself (if not more). When I handed him the small amount for breakfast, he voiced that he was "mighty thankful" and told me to have a good day. May God bless that man today and always.

As I contemplated on the walk back to my room, I thought of how many other times I pass someone like him and keep walking. It's not like he was asking me to solve all his problems, he just asked for something to eat. How dare I consider feeding myself while he is hungry. So many times, we think someone else will do it. Today, standing in line, I thought, "who else is going to do it? I'm a youth minister, and I'm contemplating whether or not to help him."

Today, I challenge myself and anyone else reading this to help those around you. Put non-perishable food items in your trunk for the times you'll see some who needs help. Keep an extra blanket in your car to help keep him a little warmer each night as he lays on the street to sleep. It doesn't matter how they got there! The fact is they are there, and they need our help.

May God speak to our hearts when we see his children in need . . . and may we be willing to hear Him.

Corpus Christi

2009-06-14T01:01:00.000-07:00

Hebrews 9:11-15

Brothers and sisters:
When Christ came as high priest
of the good things that have come to be,
passing through the greater and more perfect tabernacle
not made by hands, that is, not belonging to this creation,
he entered once for all into the sanctuary,
not with the blood of goats and calves
but with his own blood, thus obtaining eternal redemption.
For if the blood of goats and bulls
and the sprinkling of a heifer's ashes
can sanctify those who are defiled
so that their flesh is cleansed,
how much more will the blood of Christ,
who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God,
cleanse our consciences from dead works
to worship the living God.

For this reason he is mediator of a new covenant:
since a death has taken place for deliverance
from transgressions under the first covenant,
those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance.

Today is the Feast of Corpus Christi (the Body of Christ). And as I listened to this, the second reading of today's Mass, I felt renewed by the new covenant. What stuck out to me the most this time around, was: "how much more will the blood of Christ . . . cleanse our consciences from dead works to worship the living God." Think about that. What are those dead works that must be cleansed from our conscience in order to worship the living God? Today, those dead works were my own sins. Sins I must allow Christ's blood to wash from my conscience, in order that I might fully follow God.

As I contemplated leaving those sins behind, I thought a lesson from this past semester. My youth group and I journeyed to heaven together. Our class topics were about having "Jesus as the Compass" of our lives, serving others, praying, evangelizing to our friends and family, and other things that lead us to Heaven. At the end of the year, many of the kids said their favorite topic was "the suitcase one". The "suitcase one" was a class on sin. In our skit, the girl was trying to take multiple enormous suitcases through security check, onto her plane. She was faced with the decision to either leave those suitcases behind (that she just didn't think she could let go of) or not get on the plane. Our discussion following the skit compared those suitcases to the sins we carry around in our lives. We can accumulate those suitcases by the picking them up in the first place (committing the sin) and by keeping them with us (not asking for forgiveness, not forgiving ourselves, and holding on to them).

At the end of our classes, I asked the kids to write on a piece of paper what they needed to leave behind in order to get on that plane, to follow Christ, to go to Heaven. I took the enormous suitcase (it was HUGE) and laid it open in the front of the room, with a crucifix inside. I challenged the kids to let go of those sins that they needed to eliminate or let go of in their lives. As music was played, I asked that when the kids were ready, that they individually went to place their paper in the suitcase, and say "God, it's me __________, and I'm letting ___________ go and giving it to you."

As I reflect today on what I must leave behind, what "dead works" I need to be cleansed of, I feel renewed by the blood of the new covenant, Christ's blood. I pray that my past sins may truly be dead works. It is through the shedding of His blood that we are cleansed of our sins. And praise the Lord for that!

Today's challenge: Allow my conscience to be cleansed of my dead works so that I may fully worship My Lord!

Happy Feast of Corpus Christi! :D

As the Church, So Let Wives; As Christ, So Husbands

2009-05-25T04:13:00.000-07:00

I found an archive of Amanda blogs from my old myspace from years ago, but thought it would be fun to share one here. Many are from my semester studying abroad and has too much personal information to be sharing on the internet. But this one, I think, is one that may be worth sharing:

April 19, 2006

I spent alot of time today contemplating why so many girls don't respect themselves and allow themselves to be disrespected in relationships. I started thinking while watching Dr. Phil (I know, but I was bored!), but then I moved on into deaper reasons. Why? Girls, why do you lack self-confidence and self-worth? Why do you desire to feel loved so much that you're willing to do anything to get that counterfeit? Why do you settle for what our world tells us "love is" and lower the beaty of sex to a simple act of self gratification? Why does a guy have to want you physically for you to feel beautiful? Is it because you were abused (as 1/3 to 1/2 of women are)? Why do women look for what they think is "love" in all the wrong places and settle for the counterfeit of true love?

I continue my thought into my study of John Paul II's Theology of the Body. What an amazing man JPII the Great was! Women, we're not meant to be in these situations! Men are supposed to love us, not dominate us! And we're meant to love and protect them in return! Not use our bodies and manipulate their weaknesses! Christopher West, in his study of JPII's T.O.B., looks at the verse from Eph. 5 and breaks up the word submission:Sub means under; mission means you are sent with authority to perform a particular service. St. Paul is calling the wife to put herself under the mission of the husband. The mission of the husband is layed out in the next verse: Husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Eph. 5:25). Christ came into the world not to be served but to serve and to lay down His life for His bride. In this passage, St. Paul means to tell women to allow their husbands to serve them. The love to which St Paul calls husbands clearly excludes every kind of subjection whereby the wife might become a servant or a slave of the husband, an object of unilateral domination. Love makes the husband simultaneously subject to the wife and thereby to the Lord Himself, just as the wife to the husband (Thelology of the Body).the Husband is above all he who loves, and the wife, on the other hand is she who is loved. John Paul then concludes that the wifes submission to her husband, understood in the context of the entire passage. . ., signifies above all the experience of love.

Girls, we shouldn't be settling for the counterfeit! We should respect ourselves. We're not sexual objects and our bodies are beautiful temples of God! We shouldn't desecrate this temple, nor the bodies of men! You, as a woman, are BEAUTIFUL! You are worth more than this counterfeit love! Don't treat your body with disrespect, and don't allow anyone else to either. You ARE Loved! By your holy Father and Jesus Christ! You don't need to be in a relationship (especially one of counterfeit love) to be loved or beautiful.

Please, repsect yourself, demand respect for yourself, and never settle for the counterfeit! Turn to the love of Jesus Christ who died for you, and never settle for less than a man that fits Ephesians 5! One who will love you as Christ loved the Church; who gave himself up for her . . . that she might be holy and without blemish." THAT'S not a counterfeit!

Believe that dreams come true every day . . . because they do.

2009-05-25T02:00:00.000-07:00

"Take a look at yourself in a mirror. Who do you see looking back?
Is it the person you want to be?
Or is there someone else you were meant to be. The person you should have been, but fell short of.
Is someone telling you you can't or you wont? Because you can.
Believe that love is out there.
Believe that dreams come true every day . . . because they do.
Sometimes, happiness doesn't come from money, or fame, or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family, and from the quiet nobility of leading a good life.
Believe that dreams come true every day . . . because they do.
So take a look in that mirror and remind yourself to be happy, because you deserve to be. Believe that.
And believe that dreams come true everyday . . . because they do."

One Tree Hill - Season 6 Finale

One Tree Hill is one of the two TV shows I faithfully watch each week, and after catching up on the season finale tonight, I was inspired and impressed by the above words, the last words of the episode. Am I the person I want to be, or am I falling short of who God meant me to be? I am inspired to believe that I can do what I am meant to do, and that my dreams will come true. I am reminded that happiness come from leading the life God is calling me to live.

So, here's to summer, becoming the person God is calling us to be, and making dreams come true!

Remain

2009-05-20T02:02:00.000-07:00

1 John 4:7-21

Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God. Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love. In this way the love of God was revealed to us: God sent his only Son into the world so that we might have life through him. In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as expiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also must love one another. No one has ever seen God. Yet, if we love one another, God remains in us, and his love is brought to perfection in us.

This is how we know that we remain in him and he in us, that he has given us of his Spirit. Moreover, we have seen and testify that the Father sent his Son as savior of the world. Whoever acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God remains in him and he in God. We have come to know and to believe in the love God has for us. God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him. In this is love brought to perfection among us, that we have confidence on the day of judgment because as he is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," but hates his brother, he is a liar; for whoever does not love a brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. This is the commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.

This past Sunday, the 2nd reading consisted in this passage. As I sat listening in my pew, I smiled with joy at the reading. This is the passage I picked for my senior seminar paper and project. Let me start by expressing how beautiful the Word of God is! It is so old and has so much history (much of which must be learned in order to understand the meaning of the passages), and yet, it is the Living Word. It means something today. God speaks to you through each word read, many times in a new way each time it is read.

This was my experience on Sunday. I studied this passage extensively just last year. Spending hours upon hours studying the words and their meaning, what Pope Benedict, St. Augustine, and others had written about it, and anything else I could find about the passage. I spent hours comparing everything, and learning just how many layers of beautiful meaning were held in the words. And yet, much to my surprise, the passage I knew so well spoke to me in a brand new way. What stuck out this time: Remain: "God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him."

It has been a struggle for me lately to stay constant in my relationship with God: To set aside that time dedicated soley to Him in prayer, to sacrifice my desired sleeping schedule in order to attend daily mass each morning, to be a woman of constant prayer and service to Him. And Sunday, as I sat listening to His Words, it was clear to me that this is what he wanted me to hear.

Remain . . . remain in love . . . remain in Him.

Remain: to stay; to continue to be in a place; to be in existence or in a certain state for an indefinitely long time.
Remain: abide, be left, cling, continue, dwell, endure, go on, hold on, hold out, inhabit, keep on, last, live, lodge, make camp, nest, outlast, outlive, persist, prevail, remain standing, reside, rest, sit tight, stand, stay, stay put, stick around, survive, wait.

Each of these words has a beautiful meaning of remaining in Him. To remain in God, we must abide by Him, be left in Him, cling to Him, continue with Him, dwell in Him. We must hold on, endure, last, persist, prevail, reside, stay. We must remain constant. Constantly remaining with Him in each moment of each day of our lives. We cannot: depart, forge, go, leave, or move. We cannot be flakey with God. We cannot only go to Him when we are in trouble, we cannot only spend time with Him when it is convenient, we cannot live with God as simply a part of our lives. He must BE our life. He must be where we dwell, where we lodge, where we make camp, nest, reside.

Today, as I reflect on what God is revealing to me through this passage, I see ever more clearly that one is either moving toward or away from Christ. There is no standing still. And if it seems that one is standing still, it is most likely that they are drifting away from Christ. I see that He is challenging me to remain in Him when things are difficult, remain in Him when I am tempted, remain in Him when I am tired, remain in Him when I am scared, remain in Him when I am am restless, and remain in Him when I am lazy. I see that He is callling me to consistently remain in Him.

"God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him."

"Are you saved?"

2009-05-20T01:46:00.000-07:00

Many times, I have been asked "Are you saved?" To a Catholic, this question does not make much sense. I'm not dead yet, I'm not in heaven yet, how can I be "saved"? The best answer to this is: I have been saved, I am saved, and I will be saved. It's a continual process that is not complete until death. It is not a one time decision to "accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior". Proclaiming these words and making this decision does not miraculously "save" you. It's only the start of the journey. "Accepting Jesus" is a constant decision. It's a decision one makes every day, every moment. We are constantly presented with the choice to love Christ, or to love the world; to accept Him, or to reject Him; to remain in Him, or to depart from Him. At every single decision in our life, we have the opportunity to stay with Christ or to leave Him. And at each of these decisions, I choose to be "saved", or not to be "saved".

For your nearness Lord I long

2009-05-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

For your nearness Lord I hunger
For your nearness Lord I wait
Hold me ever closer Father
Such a love I can't escape

For your nearness I am hoping
For your nearness Lord I long
Have no need of any other
I have found where I belong
Yes, I have found where I belong

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord

In your nearness there is healing
What was broken now made whole
Restoration in it's fullness
Lasting hope for all who come

In your nearness I take shelter
Where you are is where I'm home
I have need of only one thing
To be here before your throne
To be here before you throne

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord

And keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
So keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
There's nowhere else I rather be

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer my Lord

- Meredith Andrews "Draw Me Nearer"

A beautiful song I heard today that I thought I'd share!

Ave Maria

2009-05-03T23:39:00.000-07:00

"I guess I have forgiven myself. Although sometimes in the night my dreams will take me back to sadness, and I have to wake up and forgive again. But Mary is always there. I feel her at unexpected moments. She will suddenly rise, and when she does, she does not go up into the sky, but further inside of me."
- The Secret Life of Bees

In reflecting on how the second part of the Secret Life of Bees quote inspired me, I thought it pretty "coincidental" that the month of May is the "Month of Mary" in the Catholic world. And in light of Mother's Day, I thought it appropriate to explore the influence of Our Blessed Mother.

Many people do not understand the Catholic belief of Mary, mostly out of ignorance. I remember the first time I was asked about this. The setting was 7th grade health class. A fellow classmate informing me that I "worshiped Mary" and insisted this to be true even after I corrected that I, in fact, did not worship the Mother of Our Lord. Let me be clear, I do not expect anyone who is not Catholic that reads this blog to necessarily believe what I believe, but to learn the reasons why and understand.

For me, Mary, "the mother of my Lord" as Elizabeth addressed her, is the perfect example of joyful obedience to the Lord's will. There are many times in our lives when we have our own plan, and more often than not, those plans for me do not end up being the same as Our Lords. Often when I am learning to follow a path I had not planned, I think of Mary's selfless "yes". She truly had an "unplanned pregnancy" and gave up her life for her Son.

Many people have asked why I "pray to Mary". Allow me to be clear in this, in "praying" to Mary, there is never any worship of her, or belief that she is God, or anything close to it.

It may be beneficial to start at the bottom here: saints in general. The easiest way for me to explain the Saints is to explain the interaction between the members of the body of the Church. When our loved ones enter heaven, they are still part of the body of Christ, but more perfected as they are no longer affected by sin and the things of this world. Just as I would ask my friend to pray for me, I also ask saints to pray for me. And why might their prayers be more beneficial than my brothers and sisters still on earth? Simple, they are fully with God now. Their prayers are unified with his will, and without sin to affect them, they are able to purely pray, knowing better than those on earth what I need. In the same way that I would probably ask my minister or friend that has a strong faith to pray for me over someone who is not as close to our Lord, it makes sense to ask those who are fully in the presence of God over those still on earth.

All souls in heaven are saints, and some have been confidently declared to be in heaven. These Saints are often deamed "patron" of something (teachers, struggling marriages, mothers, lost souls, etc.). In these cases, while that Saint was on earth, he or she dealt with the same circumstances, and lived through them successfully following Our Lord. They are an example for us (just as Michael Phelps may be an example for swimmers). So, as a youth minister, I may look to both youth ministers I respect here on earth for an example, along with someone like Saint John Bosco, patron of youth, who also worked with youth.

Not only are these patron saints a good example of their particular areas, they are also one to ask for prayers. It would be fitting to ask a parent who has lost a child to pray for someone else who has lost a child. Someone who has had that experience has a much better idea of what heartache and struggle consists in losing a child. Their prayers will be much more direct to the needs of that person, as they have experienced those struggles and know what details to pray about. In the same way, a mother with a rebellious child might ask St. Monica for prayers.

In all of this, I hope I have been clear that these are simply our "champions of the faith", those who have finished the race and fought the good fight. Those who have endured life as we are, who have experienced what we are experiencing. Those who can pray for us without the influence of this world and with knowledge of our circumstances.

Now, back to Mary. All of this works in the same way with Mary. However, Mary is Jesus' mother and obviously very close to her Son. When Elizabeth addressed her as "mother of my Lord", this meant more than what it may mean today. "Mother of my Lord" was the title for the queen, the mother of the king. And as a brief history lesson, if someone had a request, they would not go directly to the king. They would place their petition before the queen, who would then take it before the king. She was their "intercessor". This is where we get the idea of intercessions. It is not that we cannot pray directly to God, it's just like another avenue (just as asking friends to join in prayer for you strengthens your prayer). And Mary, as Jesus' mother, is clearly closest to her Son. She brings our needs to His feet, just as we do.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus." - The first half is the words spoken to Mary by the Angel Gabriel (Luke 1:28-35). The second half those spoken by Elizabeth (Luke 1:42-48).

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen." - Acknowledging Mary's position as holy and mother of Jesus, and asking her to pray for us.

In my personal experience, Mary has been a beautiful example to me of joyful obedience, the most beautiful example of the patient and loving mother and wife I desire to be, and a woman that has endured the greatest heartache in watching her Son scoured and crucified.

I pray that these explanations have been helpful in understanding Catholic beliefs!

You Have Not Lost Me

2009-04-25T03:16:00.000-07:00

How long will this take
How much can I go through
My heart, my soul aches
I don`t know what to do
I bend but don`t break
And somehow I`ll get through
Cause I have you

And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too?
I stumble and fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is you
See me through

Oh Lord where are you
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears
When all have left
And hope has disappeared
You find me here

When everything I am is lost
I have forgot but you have not
When I am lost you have not lost me
You have not lost me

- Superchick - "Crawl (Carry Me Through)"

It seems that no matter what Superchick comes up with these days, they always have wonderful lyrics.

For no particular reason, it was comforting to hear and remember today that when I feel lost, He has not lost me. He is indeed there, walking, or crawling, with me whenever I stumble. And no matter how clueless I am to the direction we're going, He is not lost, He knows exactly where this journey is headed.

Lord, thank you for your comforting presence, especially when I feel lost, tired, or scared. When I am crying, thank you for giving me your shoulder. When I am lost, thank you for showing me the way. When I am tired and don't feel like I can go on, thank you for carrying me. When I am scared, thank you for holding my hand. Thank you for being by my side, at every moment of my life. As we continue on this journey, please continue to guide me through the difficult times and lead me to Heaven. Amen.

St. Anthony, patron of lost things, pray for us.

"We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures;
we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our
real capacity to become the image of His Son."
- Pope John Paul II - WYD 2002

. . . and I have to wake up and forgive again.

2009-04-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

"I guess I have forgiven myself. Although sometimes in the night my dreams will take me back to sadness, and I have to wake up and forgive again. But Mary is always there. I feel her at unexpected moments. She will suddenly rise, and when she does, she does not go up into the sky, but further inside of me."
- The Secret Life of Bees

I just finished watching this movie. The main character writes this at the end, and I found it really beautiful. If you have not seen it, first, I suggest you do, and second, I'm sure the quote will make no sense, but it inspired me in two different ways. Only the first will be explored tonight. :)

I too have learned a few lessons in forgiveness in my life. And though I have healed and forgiven, my dreams sometimes take me back, "and I have to wake up and forgive again." What a beautiful thought. . . .

In my study of grief throughout my college days, I learned both from the books and my own life experience that healing and forgiveness are not one time things. Forgiveness, healing, growth . . . they're not doors we pass through or lines we cross, they're journeys that may be long or short, a walk in the park or a hike up a mountain. We go through the cycle over and over, healing more and more each time. Much like sending your clothes many times through the washer's cycles, getting a little cleaner each time; like applying ointment to a wound as it slowly heals. forgiveness, healing is a process.

What is the ointment to be applied? I discussed recently with a friend what it takes to truly forgive. And as I contemplated the point in which one can truly say the journey of forgiveness has been completed, I realized that only recently I had reached that point with someone from my past, someone that I had been hurt by. Though I had been "over" what had happened years ago, I had not put much of an effort into acknowledging the person, or showing any love. This past week was the first time I had talked to them in quite a while, and I was truly happy for their happiness and able to give love. As I contemplated the situation yesterday, I concluded that I had built up resentment due to my feeling entitled from being hurt. It was not until last week that I truly forgave. I realized that until one can truly love that person, truly want the best for them, truly be happy for them (regardless of how that person feels about what happened), the journey of forgiveness has not yet been completed. Love is the ointment that heals the wound.

I'm understanding (even as I type) in a new and unexpected way the love that Christ has for His Church. The love of the Cross. I started one of my own journeys of forgiveness just over 2 years ago, during Holy week. And as my heart broke I remember tears falling as I prayed, "Jesus, I've never felt more like I was on the Cross with you than I do right now. And yet, it is nothing in comparison. You felt this same heartache, but you felt it multiplied for each person on this earth, multiplied by each time they have turned away and hurt you."

Each time I hurt my Lord, each time I choose other things over Him, he feels that same heartache. And yet, he still loves me selflessly, truly desiring the best for me, absolutely no resentment. Jesus is the most beautiful example of forgiveness. He is our litmus test. Are we willing to die for the person that hurt us so badly? . . . If not, our journey of forgiveness is not yet complete.

"All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ. So be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and handed himself over for us . . ."
Ephesians 4:31-5:2

Present Moments

2009-04-22T03:28:00.000-07:00

Inspired by my big sis, I have decided to start a blog. It will not be profound and may never be read, but it will be an opportunity to process the "present moments" of my life's journey. And so, this chapter of my journey begins!