Saturday, April 25, 2009

You Have Not Lost Me

How long will this take
How much can I go through
My heart, my soul aches
I don`t know what to do
I bend but don`t break
And somehow I`ll get through
Cause I have you

And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too?
I stumble and fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is you
See me through

Oh Lord where are you
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears
When all have left
And hope has disappeared
You find me here

When everything I am is lost
I have forgot but you have not
When I am lost you have not lost me
You have not lost me

- Superchick - "Crawl (Carry Me Through)"

It seems that no matter what Superchick comes up with these days, they always have wonderful lyrics.

For no particular reason, it was comforting to hear and remember today that when I feel lost, He has not lost me. He is indeed there, walking, or crawling, with me whenever I stumble. And no matter how clueless I am to the direction we're going, He is not lost, He knows exactly where this journey is headed.

Lord, thank you for your comforting presence, especially when I feel lost, tired, or scared. When I am crying, thank you for giving me your shoulder. When I am lost, thank you for showing me the way. When I am tired and don't feel like I can go on, thank you for carrying me. When I am scared, thank you for holding my hand. Thank you for being by my side, at every moment of my life. As we continue on this journey, please continue to guide me through the difficult times and lead me to Heaven. Amen.

St. Anthony, patron of lost things, pray for us.

"We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures;
we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our
real capacity to become the image of His Son."
- Pope John Paul II - WYD 2002

Thursday, April 23, 2009

. . . and I have to wake up and forgive again.

"I guess I have forgiven myself. Although sometimes in the night my dreams will take me back to sadness, and I have to wake up and forgive again. But Mary is always there. I feel her at unexpected moments. She will suddenly rise, and when she does, she does not go up into the sky, but further inside of me."
- The Secret Life of Bees

I just finished watching this movie. The main character writes this at the end, and I found it really beautiful. If you have not seen it, first, I suggest you do, and second, I'm sure the quote will make no sense, but it inspired me in two different ways. Only the first will be explored tonight. :)

I too have learned a few lessons in forgiveness in my life. And though I have healed and forgiven, my dreams sometimes take me back, "and I have to wake up and forgive again." What a beautiful thought. . . .

In my study of grief throughout my college days, I learned both from the books and my own life experience that healing and forgiveness are not one time things. Forgiveness, healing, growth . . . they're not doors we pass through or lines we cross, they're journeys that may be long or short, a walk in the park or a hike up a mountain. We go through the cycle over and over, healing more and more each time. Much like sending your clothes many times through the washer's cycles, getting a little cleaner each time; like applying ointment to a wound as it slowly heals. forgiveness, healing is a process.

What is the ointment to be applied? I discussed recently with a friend what it takes to truly forgive. And as I contemplated the point in which one can truly say the journey of forgiveness has been completed, I realized that only recently I had reached that point with someone from my past, someone that I had been hurt by. Though I had been "over" what had happened years ago, I had not put much of an effort into acknowledging the person, or showing any love. This past week was the first time I had talked to them in quite a while, and I was truly happy for their happiness and able to give love. As I contemplated the situation yesterday, I concluded that I had built up resentment due to my feeling entitled from being hurt. It was not until last week that I truly forgave. I realized that until one can truly love that person, truly want the best for them, truly be happy for them (regardless of how that person feels about what happened), the journey of forgiveness has not yet been completed. Love is the ointment that heals the wound.

I'm understanding (even as I type) in a new and unexpected way the love that Christ has for His Church. The love of the Cross. I started one of my own journeys of forgiveness just over 2 years ago, during Holy week. And as my heart broke I remember tears falling as I prayed, "Jesus, I've never felt more like I was on the Cross with you than I do right now. And yet, it is nothing in comparison. You felt this same heartache, but you felt it multiplied for each person on this earth, multiplied by each time they have turned away and hurt you."

Each time I hurt my Lord, each time I choose other things over Him, he feels that same heartache. And yet, he still loves me selflessly, truly desiring the best for me, absolutely no resentment. Jesus is the most beautiful example of forgiveness. He is our litmus test. Are we willing to die for the person that hurt us so badly? . . . If not, our journey of forgiveness is not yet complete.

"All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ. So be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and handed himself over for us . . ."
Ephesians 4:31-5:2

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Present Moments

Inspired by my big sis, I have decided to start a blog. It will not be profound and may never be read, but it will be an opportunity to process the "present moments" of my life's journey. And so, this chapter of my journey begins!