I just wanna be the girl I used to be when I was me and worry free . . .

Wow, it's been quite a while since I updated last. As I sit here wondering where my life has taken me since my last post, I quickly realized why I haven't been using my keyboard lately.

When taking a silly "How Well do you know your future spouse" quiz with my fiance a few weeks ago, one of the questions for him was as follows: "How would your future wife describe herself? A: Optimist, Pessimist, or Realist." His answer: Optimist (that is what she would say). He didn't mean this to hurt me, but it really hit me. All my life, I've been optimistic. I generally always look on the bright side of things and can always see the good in a situation. It took this moment with my future hubby to realize that I've lost my optimistic attitude.

I haven't been posting recently because I like to post positive and happy posts, or at least not pessimistic ones. The last month or two have been increasingly more difficult for me, and harder to look on the bright side. I can't put my finger on one situation or event that has caused this, but I can see that it's there. Maybe it's being away from my fiance. Maybe it's because my responsibilities at work have become more difficult to meet. Maybe it's because I miss old friends, or because my friends in California just don't seem to have enough time for a social life. Maybe it's because I live alone and don't have my roommates that always seemed to take my mind off the stresses of life. Maybe it's because I'm planning a wedding from 1500 miles away or because I'm ready to move home. Maybe it's because no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get my life schedule in order, or because I can't seem to stick to a healthy lifestyle. Maybe it's because I recognize the loss of my optimistic tendencies. Of course, it's probably a mixture of all of these.

All my life, people have commented on the fact that I'm always smiling, that I'm always happy, that I radiate joy. Of course, in reality, I was not always smiling or always happy, but a majority of the time, I chose to be. It's been a year or two since I've heard that comment about me, but it wasn't until now that I realized it's absence.

I guess I'm just disappointed. I'm sitting here wondering if the people in California even know the real me. Because that optimistic, joyfully, happy, and smiling person is me. I think that I must have been me when I moved here, but somewhere along the way, I've lost myself in the stress of life.

What does all this mean? It's time for change! It's time to set some goals. Today, I am determined to find myself again. I am determined to fix my sleeping schedule, eating habits, attitude, and prayer life. I am determined to believe in myself and God's plan. I am determined to give the kids that are counting on me all that I can before I leave. I am determined to set out on more adventures, be more diligent at work, and not stress about work when I'm not on the clock. I am determined to enjoy planning a wedding and give my fiance more attention. I am determined that I will make the most of the next 5 months. I am determined to show California the real me before I head back to the midwest.

Here's to the new (or old) and improved me! It's time to kick my sanguine butt into gear, and it's going to take the choleric me to do it!