Updating the List!

I'm SO incredibly excited that I will be heading back to California in just over a week! It will be so great to see old friends, my old parish family, and the beautiful state of California that I love oh so much! As I am planning my itinerary, I naturally came back to my infamous California Bucket List. It was then that I realized I have not crossed some items off the list on my blog that I have indeed accomplished in real life! So here goes!

Grand Canyon

On our road trip back to Missouri last year, Dan and I stopped at the Grand Canyon! I was there once as a small child, and the only memories I have are of the pictures I have seen. We weren't able to spend much time at the Canyon, but we were able to take in the beauty by seeing the sun set over the canyon. It is a memory that I will always hold dear to my heart. While we were there, we decided we would definitely come back someday for a hiking trip!

San Francisco

On one of my last weekends in California, I decided to take the trip to San Francisco. A good friend of mine was staying in San Jose, so I had a place to crash and a friend to go with me on my first day to San Fran! We had a blast on the first day! We walked along the piers and went to drive across the Golden Gate Bridge. We checked out the Haight/Ashbury district, went to the highest point to view the whole city, and even found the "Full House" house! The next day, on my own, I walked around the whole city. I found the crooked road, ate in the Italian neighborhood of north beach, and even got some pictures on a trolley! I fell in love with San Francisco! The buildings and landscape have such a distinct personality, and the weather is perfect. I loved not having the extreme hustle and bussle of LA! I ended the trip by driving down the PCH all the way back to LA! It climbed the charts as one of my favorite trips of all time (right under Europe!) 







The Crooked Street

The trolley driver allowed me

to take a picture on his

trolley. He was more into it
than I was!

Saints Peter and Paul Church

at Washington Squre in

North Beach

Bixby Creek Bridge near Big Sur
along the Pacific Coast Highway

 
Move Back to Missouri

It was with sadness to leave a home I loved dearly and excitement to start a new life as a wife in the midwest that I began my journey back to Missouri in June 2010. I will never forget those that became my family there. I miss them every day. But God has great plans for us, and no matter where He leads me, I will follow. I secretly pray that he leads me back to California someday! ;-)

 

The California Bucket List

1) Learn to Surf

2) Swim with the Dolphins at Sea World

3) Visit and hike Catalina Island

4) Hollywood

5) Malibu

6) Santa Barbara

7) Dodgers Statium

8) See a movie premeire

9) Hike to the Hollywood sign

10) Stay at Hotel del Coronado

11) Channel Islands

12) Lake Arrowhead

13) Joshua Tree

14) Palm Springs

15) Yosemite

16) Vegas

17) Disneyland

18) Grand Canyon

19) Sequoia National Park

20) Drive Pacific Coast Highway

21) Huntington Library

22) San Francisco

23) The Missions (Fulfilled in Santa Barbara)

24) Kayaking caves at La Jolla

25) Hearst Castle

26) Sailing

27) Death Valley

28) Hollywood Bowl

29) Whale Watching

30) Grunion Runs (with my Dad)

31) San Diego Zoo

32) La Brea Tar Pits

33) The Ghetty Museum

34) Griffith Observatory

35) Universal Studios

36) Santa Monica Pier

37) Eat at Planet Hollywood

38) Venice Boardwalk

39) Santa Monica Promenade

40) Be an extra or in the studio audience of a TV show
41) LA County Museum of Art
42) Pantages Theater

43) Tommy's Burger

44) Canter's Deli

45) Philippe's French Dip Sandwich

46) Fashion District

47) Olvera Street

48) Tijuana
49) Move back to Missouri

Life Update

So, today I decided it was time to "get back on the blogging horse", but couldn't think of anything to write about . . . I guess that's why it's been quite a while since I wrote last. :-P My life has become so busy, but yet so unexciting that it's been hard to find inspiration. I've decided to start by giving an update on my life since our wedding.

We've been married for over 6 months now! It's been great to be married, mostly because we actually see each other on a regular basis now that we're not long-distance anymore (after 6 years, it's a little strange though)! In November, we headed to Italy for our honeymoon! It was an amazing trip, look for my next post with pictures from our trip! Other than that, we've just enjoyed being married and making our house a home.

Shortly after our wedding, I was laid off from my job due to financial difficulty at the parish I was at. It couldn't have been worse timing, as youth ministers generally move around at the end of the school year, much like teachers. So losing my job in October really put me in a funk. After months of searching for jobs in ministry and finding no openings, I finally started looking elsewhere and found a job in February working at Maurices (my favorite clothing store) as an Assistant Manager. I am thankful to have found a job, and in the retail world, this is about the best I could ask for. However it's been really tough to keep my head up. I love ministry and making a difference in teens lives by bringing them closer to Christ, and I miss it terribly. I found so much joy in such a meaningful job and it's been really difficult to keep a positive and optimistic attitude. I left a job that I was passionate about, that I've planned on and dreamed of doing since I was a teen myself, for a job that just "pays the bills". It doesn't help that I miss my California life, job, and friends so much either.

I guess God's just putting me through a darker time. I only pray that I can be strong enough to keep hope in the things to come and trust in His plan. I know he's got it all under control, but I've really been struggling to see the good in my situation and find happiness in the midst of it.

I would appreciate any prayers! For a job to open up that is perfect for me, but also for my endurance during this hard time. Until next time!

Living a New Life . . . still for Christ

Some of you may have been wondering what happened to me . . . or maybe no one did! Regardless, I'm going to let you know. :-)

I have gone through so many life changes since my last post that I could write a whole blog just about them! In short, I have said goodbye to California (the place I had just learned to call home), packed up my little apartment, drove cross-country with my fiance back to Missouri, lived with my parents while begging God to give me and my fiance jobs, we both found jobs in Kansas City, and I moved to Kansas City and started my new job. Whew, that's a lot in just over a month! I've been completely consumed ever since with preparing for my wedding that is just less than a month away! It's been such a whirlwind since I left California that I can hardly comprehend it all.

Leaving California was heart-breaking. There were small sobbs at my last Mass at StP2 and quiet tears as I watched the last car filled with my friends pull out of the parking lot from my going away party, knowing it was likely the last time I would see them for quite a long time. Saying goodbye to friends and the parish that became my family was something surreal at the time, but is slowly setting in these days. Some days I still feel like I'm just on vacation . . . that's lasted a long time. Other days it hits me like a freight train that I'm not going back to California, at least not any time soon. :-\ Looking back, I don't think I realized how much of a family I had found in the parish. I often find myself wishing the parish I am now at was as warmly welcoming as StP2. Most of all, I miss the friends I made.

Now don't misunderstand, I love being close to my family again, seeing my close college friends again, and most of all, seeing my fiance on a regular basis for the first time since we started dating in 2004. Regardless, I left a piece of my heart in California, and it has not gone unnoticed.

This is to you Cali, thanks for welcoming me as family and sending me off with much love!

A Tune for a Tuesday - See you in the Eucharist

The Beginning of the End . . .

Today, I said goodbye to my kids at the EDGE. And in keeping with my norm, I cried at both sessions when I gave my final words. I haven't really quite realized that I will not see them next week . . . likely, I will not see most of them again in our earthly life. I've always loved meeting new people, but I've always hated goodbyes . . .

After our party, the EDGE Core worked hard to clean up and put all of our props from the year back in storage. As the Core headed out the door, I walked back to our meeting room. It looked as though no one had even been there. As I turned to hit the lights, I stopped and looked around, taking that moment to reflect on my time here.

These past few months have been a whirlwind. I have been so busy and so stressed, that it has been hard to even notice the time passing. I knew then that I'd get to this point and be disappointed that I hadn't spent more time enjoying the moment. And there I stood tonight, thinking just that. That I couldn't believe it was already over. I wish I could have spent another year ministering to those kids, leading them to Christ and making more improvements for their program . . . but that's not what God has called me to . . . thy will be done, Lord.

As I move on to the next chapter in my life, I thank God for bringing me here. I would never take back the two years I've spent here. These kids will always hold a special place in my heart, and this parish family will always be a home to me.

Thank you to all those who have been a part of making my time in California a wonderful experience. For welcoming me in and making me a part of this community. I will miss you all dearly. I will undoubtedly be back to visit soon, but until then, "I will see you in the Eucharist".

I will meet you at the table
I will meet you in His heart
In the company of angels
In the place where all things start
We receive each other's presence
We are all made one in Him
Though I cannot see your face
I will see you in the Eucharist

Come and meet me at the table
Come and meet me in His heart
We'll be singing with the angels
Each man playing his own part
In the symphony of praises
We will join our song with His
Though I cannot hear your voice
We'll be speaking in the Eucharist

Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid

When we gather at the table
We are closer than our breath
Even nearer than the angels
When we touch His very flesh
Dwelling in each other's presence
I will hold you close inside
Every soul in heaven and earth
Now is present in the Body of Christ

Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid

We are pilgrims on a journey
We are headed for the throne
Carried on the wings of angels
Oh we do not walk alone
All our prayers we lay before Him
And His grace will pave the way
To lead us to our one true home
Where we'll see each other face to face

And do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid

I will meet you
I will hear you
I will hold you
I will receive you
I will see you in the Eucharist

Danielle Rose - See You in the Eucharist

Emotions

So much is going on in my life right now. Would you like to know how I feel about it?

STRESSED! - I move in just a little over a month. And as of right now, I do not have a job or a place to live when I get there. Just when I thought things were going to work out, my fiance was let go at work and is now searching for a job too. UGH! Wrapping up a job, packing up an apartment, moving accross the country, finding a new job, finding a new place to live, planning a wedding, preparing for marriage. . . . that is just TOO much to deal with at once!

Frustrated - With our situation. Wondering why God is giving us all these obstacles. Isn't there enough stress and things to deal with if the transition went as smoothly as possible? I'll admit it, I'm frustrated with God. I know He has a plan, but I'm not too happy with Him for not letting us know what it is yet!


In Love - Yes, I'm in love! lol. Despite all of this confusion and frustration, I'm trying to remember the end of the tunnel: being in the same state as my fiance! It's going to be so great to see him on a regular basis again. To see him more than on skype and to have real dates, not just our wednesday night online dates! Yes, that's right, we spend our "date nights" playing games online against each other . . . it's all we have, don't judge us!

Excited! - Excited to be with my fiance. Excited for something new. Excited to see my dear friends again. Excited for dates. Excited too see my family. Excited to get moving on wedding plans. Excited to see my neices and nephew. Excited for seasons (yes, even winter . . . it has its charm). Excited to possibly serve my Alma Mater. Excited to be closer to marriage. Excited to have a new place to live. Excited to have a washer and dryer! Hopefully excited for a dishwasher. :)

Sad - Sad to leave California. Sad that I haven't nearly seen everything I wanted to. Sad to leave the ocean. Sad to leave the warm weather (yes, I'm completely torn between the two climates). Sad to see this chapter close. Sad to leave my adorable apartment. Sad to leave my job. Sad that I haven't done everything I planned to do with the ministries. Sad to cut this adventure short. Sad to leave new friends. Sad to leave the mountains. Sad to go back to humidity (it seriously sucks!). Sad that there is so little time left. Sad that I will likely never live here again. Sad to say goodbye.

Nervous - About the unknown. I know that God's got it all under control, but I'm so very anxious about how it's all going to work out. If I don't have a job, I don't have money to pay the bills . . . and that's not good! I just don't know what's going to happen, and that makes me nervous.

Sick - With all this emotion, I'm sick. Both emotionally and physically. Sick to my stomach. I have headaches frequently. Can't fall asleep. Wake up in the middle of the night. I can hardly focus on the things that need to get done, which makes me even more stressed. I'm ready for this time to be over, but there's so much that I need to do before it is!

Completely Mixed Up - SO MANY EMOTIONS! I can't seem to get them straight. Excited, nervous, happy, sad, sick, frustrated, stressed . . . I just can't handle it all at once. Ugh, I'll be happy when all this is over. But when it's all over, that means I'll be gone . . . and that makes me sad. Oh dear . . .

California Adventures of a Missouri vagabond

It's been a while since I've updated the items I've crossed off the "California Bucket List" I made months ago. I've made a little progress, eliminating two adventures from the to-do list. Thus, there are two stories to tell.

Disneyland

I finally made it to Disneyland after living just a short drive away from it for a year and a half. Our parish staff takes "staff days" periodically throughout the year, and in December, we found out we were going to Disneyland! Best part about that, it was free! I've always wanted to go to Disneyland, but spending 90-something dollars to go to an amusement park for a day just doesn't fit into my budget or my common sense. I would have liked to spend a little more time there, and be able to go on some of the more exciting rides, but none-the-less, I knocked something off the list without spending a dime!

The places I experienced: Star Tours, Mad Tea Party, It's a Small World, Jungle Cruise, Haunted Mansion, Pirates of the Carribbean, Soaring over California, California Screamin'. (I think that about does it).

(Above: In the "A" of "California")

Overall, Disneyland was a neat place to visit. I don't think it quite met my expectations (everyone talks about how wonderful it is). Don't get me wrong, I had a great time, but I honestly doubt I'll ever pay for a full priced ticket, and certainly wouldn't get a season pass. If I had kids, it seems more likely that I would consider it, but even then, I'm not so sure I spend $200 a person to go.

I may, however, do a community service day and get a free ticket! That seems more than worth it! :)

(Above: Tea cup madness!)

Canter's Deli

Our trip to Canter's Deli was a wonderful memory! Last night, a good friend came over to have a girl's night and catch up with each other. We ate dinner, updated each other on the latest happenings of our lives, and then we moved on to the internet. At this point, my blog came up, and soon, we were looking at the bucket list. As we went through what I had yet to cross-off, we made it to Canter's Deli. It wasn't long after she mentioned that they were open 24-hours that we were headed out the door at 12:00 am to drive into LA! After a quick stop to fill up the gas take, we were off!

A short 40 min. later, we were walking up to the door of a 24-hour Jewish Deli. We opted to sit near the bar in order to hear the band that was playing. It was a joy to watch the many interesting people that came in and out of the restaurant, especially at 2:00 am! I ordered a staple grilled honey ham sandwich that was delicious, while my partner-in-crime ordered the matzo ball soup (her favorite). We enjoyed great conversation, delicious food, and a warm cup of coffee before we made our way toward the exit. We didn't fail to stop by the bakery on our way out though! I have yet to try any of the treats I purchased, but I can assure you that it was money (and will be calories) well spent!

It was a crazy trip, and I'm definitely tired from staying up until 4:00 am, but I find that these not so logical, but not stupid or dangerous, decisions have become the most memorable times of my life.


The California Bucket List

1) Learn to Surf
2) Swim with the Dolphins at Sea World
3) Visit and hike Catalina Island
4) Hollywood
5) Malibu
6) Santa Barbara
7) Dodgers Statium
8) See a movie premeire
9) Hike to the Hollywood sign
10) Stay at Hotel del Coronado
11) Channel Islands
12) Lake Arrowhead
13) Joshua Tree
14) Palm Springs
15) Yosemite
16) Vegas
17) Disneyland
18) Grand Canyon
19) Sequoia National Park
20) Drive Pacific Coast Highway
21) Huntington Library
22) San Francisco
23) The Missions (Fulfilled in Santa Barbara)
24) Kayaking caves at La Jolla
25) Hearst Castle
26) Sailing
27) Death Valley
28) Hollywood Bowl
29) Whale Watching
30) Grunion Runs (with my Dad)
31) San Diego Zoo
32) La Brea Tar Pits
33) The Ghetty Museum
34) Griffith Observatory
35) Universal Studios
36) Santa Monica Pier
37) Eat at Planet Hollywood
38) Venice Boardwalk
39) Santa Monica Promenade
40) Be an extra or in the studio audience of a TV show
41) LA County Museum of Art
42) Pantages Theater
43) Tommy's Burger
44) Canter's Deli
45) Philippe's French Dip Sandwich
46) Fashion District
47) Olvera Street
48) Tijuana
49) Move back to Missouri

I just wanna be the girl I used to be when I was me and worry free . . .

Wow, it's been quite a while since I updated last. As I sit here wondering where my life has taken me since my last post, I quickly realized why I haven't been using my keyboard lately.

When taking a silly "How Well do you know your future spouse" quiz with my fiance a few weeks ago, one of the questions for him was as follows: "How would your future wife describe herself? A: Optimist, Pessimist, or Realist." His answer: Optimist (that is what she would say). He didn't mean this to hurt me, but it really hit me. All my life, I've been optimistic. I generally always look on the bright side of things and can always see the good in a situation. It took this moment with my future hubby to realize that I've lost my optimistic attitude.

I haven't been posting recently because I like to post positive and happy posts, or at least not pessimistic ones. The last month or two have been increasingly more difficult for me, and harder to look on the bright side. I can't put my finger on one situation or event that has caused this, but I can see that it's there. Maybe it's being away from my fiance. Maybe it's because my responsibilities at work have become more difficult to meet. Maybe it's because I miss old friends, or because my friends in California just don't seem to have enough time for a social life. Maybe it's because I live alone and don't have my roommates that always seemed to take my mind off the stresses of life. Maybe it's because I'm planning a wedding from 1500 miles away or because I'm ready to move home. Maybe it's because no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get my life schedule in order, or because I can't seem to stick to a healthy lifestyle. Maybe it's because I recognize the loss of my optimistic tendencies. Of course, it's probably a mixture of all of these.

All my life, people have commented on the fact that I'm always smiling, that I'm always happy, that I radiate joy. Of course, in reality, I was not always smiling or always happy, but a majority of the time, I chose to be. It's been a year or two since I've heard that comment about me, but it wasn't until now that I realized it's absence.

I guess I'm just disappointed. I'm sitting here wondering if the people in California even know the real me. Because that optimistic, joyfully, happy, and smiling person is me. I think that I must have been me when I moved here, but somewhere along the way, I've lost myself in the stress of life.

What does all this mean? It's time for change! It's time to set some goals. Today, I am determined to find myself again. I am determined to fix my sleeping schedule, eating habits, attitude, and prayer life. I am determined to believe in myself and God's plan. I am determined to give the kids that are counting on me all that I can before I leave. I am determined to set out on more adventures, be more diligent at work, and not stress about work when I'm not on the clock. I am determined to enjoy planning a wedding and give my fiance more attention. I am determined that I will make the most of the next 5 months. I am determined to show California the real me before I head back to the midwest.

Here's to the new (or old) and improved me! It's time to kick my sanguine butt into gear, and it's going to take the choleric me to do it!

Making progress!

I've gotten so much done lately due to my sisters visiting and helping me cross things off the list! Those that are bold are the most recently accomplished.

My oldest sister and I attempted surfing. I wouldn't say I succeeded, but I did learn how to do it. I'll attempt to actually surf again! We also drove to Malibu and the Santa Monica Promenade. The middle sister came and we crossed of many items! Driving PCH, Santa Barbara, one of the missions, Hearst Castle, and Sequoia National Park! And all of that was in one weekend! :D

Here's the updated list! We're making progress. I'll be going to Disneyland in a few weeks, so that one will soon be crossed off. :)

The California Bucket List

1) Learn to Surf
2) Swim with the Dolphins at Sea World
3) Visit and hike Catalina Island
4) Hollywood
5) Malibu
6) Santa Barbara
7) Dodgers Statium
8) See a movie premeire
9) Hike to the Hollywood sign
10) Stay at Hotel del Coronado
11) Channel Islands
12) Lake Arrowhead
13) Joshua Tree
14) Palm Springs
15) Yosemite
16) Vegas
17) Disneyland
18) Grand Canyon
19) Sequoia National Park
20) Drive Pacific Coast Highway
21) Huntington Library
22) San Francisco
23) The Missions (Fulfilled in Santa Barbara)
24) Kayaking caves at La Jolla
25) Hearst Castle
26) Sailing
27) Death Valley
28) Hollywood Bowl
29) Whale Watching
30) Grunion Runs (with my Dad)
31) San Diego Zoo
32) La Brea Tar Pits
33) The Ghetty Museum
34) Griffith Observatory
35) Universal Studios
36) Santa Monica Pier
37) Eat at Planet Hollywood
38) Venice Boardwalk
39) Santa Monica Promenade
40) Be an extra or in the studio audience of a TV show
41) LA County Museum of Art
42) Pantages Theater
43) Tommy's Burger
44) Canter's Deli
45) Philippe's French Dip Sandwich
46) Fashion District
47) Olvera Street
48) Tijuana
49) Move back to Missouri

Food-filled Friday

Fridays will almost certainly not continue to be "food-filled", or at least named as such, but just as Wednesday's wardrobe happened to work out, today being food-filled was fitting!

I love watching "Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives" on The Food Network. A few weeks ago, I saw a dive that was nearby. So today, on the first day of my boyfriend's visit, we ate there!

Fab Hot Dogs!

This is me with my Texas Burrito Dog! It was "Fabulous!" It was filled with 2 dogs, chili, cheese, and bacon (without the mustard and onions . . . because I'm picky) wrapped in a tortilla shell.

That's all for now! I know it was late and short, but it's been a busy day, and I'm getting up EARLY for a hike! :D Have a wonderful Saturday!

Thoughtful Thursday

I'm not sure Thursday's will stay "thoughtful", but right now, I don't have the time or energy to talk about "travels". So, thoughtful it is!

Thought of the Day:

"Every time that we do something we don't particularly "want" to do, out of our love for God or out of obedience, there is grace. Every time we put others' needs before our own, in humble acts of service, there is grace. Every time we endure hardship for the sake of our vocation, the gospel or Christ's Church, there is grace. ----------- Put simply, truly embracing your vocation means embracing what God wants you to do each day, not what you "feel like" doing. It means putting God first, not yourself."- Mark Hart (aka "The Bible Geek")

I remember the first time I read this. I had a great need to let go of my own desires and embrace The Father's plan. In reading this quote again today, I needed to hear it once again, but for completely different reasons. (and almost the opposite reason . . .)

The first time I read it, I was learning to let go of the future I had planned with someone. I learned to accept and embrace with joy God's plan for me to move wherever he needed me. Now, the lesson I'm constantly trying to allow God to teach me is to be patient and wait for the future I have planned with someone until it is God's time. I need to learn to accept that even though I am not where I want to be, I am where God wants me to be; and since it is where God wants me, I must make it my desire. I must learn to "embrace what God wants of me each day, not what I 'feel like' doing."

Ask anyone close to me and they'll tell you, I have not learned this lesson yet. Patience is my least favorite virtue to work on!

The Revised California Bucket List

After many suggestions, I've revised (and doubled) my list! Looks like I better get busy crossing things off. :)

The California Bucket List

1) Learn to Surf
2) Swim with the Dolphins at Sea World
3) Visit and hike Catalina Island
4) Hollywood
5) Malibu
6) Santa Barbara
7) Dodgers Statium
8) See a movie premeire
9) Hike to the Hollywood sign
10) Stay at Hotel del Coronado
11) Channel Islands Planner
12) Lake Arrowhead
13) Joshua Tree
14) Palm Springs
15) Yosemite
16) Vegas
17) Disneyland
18) Grand Canyon
19) Sequoia National Park
20) Drive Pacific Coast Highway
21) Huntington Library
22) San Francisco
23) The Missions
24) Kayaking caves at La Jolla
25) Hearst Castle
26) Sailing
27) Death Valley
28) Hollywood Bowl
29) Whale Watching
30) Grunion Runs (with my Dad)
31) San Diego Zoo
32) La Brea Tar Pits
33) The Ghetty Museum
34) Griffith Observatory
35) Universal Studios
36) Santa Monica Pier
37) Eat at Planet Hollywood
38) Venice Boardwalk
39) Santa Monica Promenade
40) Be an extra or in the studio audience of a TV show
41) LA County Museum of Art
42) Pantages Theater
43) Tommy's Burger
44) Canter's Deli
45) Philippe's French Dip Sandwich
46) Fashion District
47) Olvera Street
48) Tijuana
49) Move back to Missouri

My California Bucket List

Today, I decided to make a California bucket list. Hopefully it will help me to make the most of my time here. It will all be recorded on this blog. :) Here goes!

The California Bucket List

1) Learn to Surf
2) Swim with the Dolphins
3) Visit and hike Catalina Island
4) Hollywood
5) Malibu
6) Santa Barbara
7) Dodgers Statium
8) See a movie premeire
9) Hike to the Hollywood sign
10) Stay at Hotel del Coronado
11) Channel Islands Planner
12) Lake Arrowhead
13) Joshua Tree
14) Palm Springs
15) Yosemite
16) Vegas
17) Disneyland
18) Grand Canyon
19) Sequoia National Park
20) Drive Pacific Coast Highway
21) Huntington Library
22) San Francisco
23) The Missions

letting it out

Today, I've decided I won't be insightful or optimistic. For whatever reason, I'm just not in a good mood. I feel like I'm consistently trying to stay afloat, do my best, and keep a joyful attitude, but quite frankly, I am sick of swimming. I just want to give up for a while. There's a great deal to be said for summer vacations . . . I wish the whole world took summer vacation. I miss the days that I could do something totally different for 2 or 3 months of my life and take my mind off of my normal life to regroup and gear up for another round. Those days are over . . . and the more and more I enter into the "big kid life" the more I miss college, my friends, and my community.

It's funny, the normal me would be positive right now. She'd keep her chin up, know God has her in a place for a reason, and knows that she can be happy no matter where God has her. But it seems that it is more and more difficult to keep my head up. Day by day, I wonder where that girl is. Where is the normal me? The positive me? I've been trying to keep my head up, to put on a happy face for people. Because when people ask how life is going for me, they want to hear that things are great. But the truth is, I hate being away from my boyfriend. I really don't like California that much. And my job, well, it's not what I expected.

So . . . that's that. I said it. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, but as of now, I'd love nothing more than to be living back in the loft with the girls.