Rooted!

Praise be to God! What a wonderful and beautiful weekend!

I just returned from Steubenville Mid-America (week 2). I hadn't been to the youth conference since I was an intern in 2006, but I'd gone three times prior to that as a teen and Young Apostle. It was such a blessing to see so many of those in my youth ministry family that I hadn't seen for quite some time. It always warms my heart to see those that were a huge part of making me who I am today. In particular to see Greg, my own youth minister, and those that attended the youth group I drove 90 miles to experience in high school. It says alot about a youth minister when years later, so many of his teens are leading groups to the same conference, working with the conference staff, sporting a sister's habit, or playing music for the weekend. I counted more than 10 of us serving the youth of Our Church at this conference.

You want to know a secret? . . . God has a plan . . . yes, I know you already knew that, and it's no secret, haha. But isn't it wonderful to see it in action? It is a great joy to see in retrospect how beautifully that tapestry is woven. This weekend, I didn't see his plan, but I learned in a renewed way how to trust in it.

I will soon be returning to youth ministry, and I couldn't be more thankful and happy that the current chapter of my life will soon be finished. It was a hard one, but I must say, it has made me appreciate the gift it is to lead teens closer to Christ. It's not a chapter I'd wish to re-live, but I appreciate the lessons learned. However, there are some apprehensions and fears as I turn the pages to the next chapter.

At the conference this weekend, God gave me the understanding and graces I need to not see his will, but trust in it. Three things in particular stood out: 

1) Matthew 14:23-33 was a constant focus throughout the weekend. Christ again reassured me that if I keep my eyes on Him and not the storm, that I will be able to come out on top, not sinking because of fears.
2) That I've "still got it". Yes, this seems ridiculous, but after being away from ministry for months, I feared I may not be easily liked by the teens anymore. Praise God for the many teens I encountered this weekend that allowed me to minister to them in each small way!
3) God showed me that I could face whatever situation I walk into at my new parish by showing me the example of my own youth minister's "success". It seemed that no matter where I sat in the arena, I could see him. And what I saw was a man praising Our Lord with his teens. I am confident that he was praying for them during these times. I saw a man who's heart was wrapped in the heart of Christ. A man that understands that it is impossible to lead teens to Christ without a strong and constant prayer life. I saw teens that loved him because he taught them truth, and teens turned Core members because of the love of Christ they learned from the ministry. Most of all, I saw the faces of leaders throughout the crowd that had been changed by Christ through Greg. That is the kind of minister I want to be. That is the kind of youth minister God needs me to be. And as I take up this yoke, I know He will be there to help me and give me strength along the way.  

May we all be "ROOTED" in His love! So that when the storms come, our foundation will be strong!

A song for the broken-hearted . . .

To the broken-hearted,

I heard this song on my pandora today, and I cannot get over how perfect it is for that time in a break-up when you just need to "feel it". My roommates from college could easily place this in my junior year playlist. I wish I'd heard it then! It sums up exactly how I believe someone must healthily deal with a break-up: near to Him. I can remember when I felt just like this, falling into the arms of My Lord, allowing him to slowly heal a broken heart. Clinging to him, trusting that He alone can piece my heart back together. And you know what? He did so much more than just put my heart back together! He healed relationships, changed hearts, and did miracles I never imagined.

It is through prayer and facing the pain that you must move on from heart-break. As a wise professor once told me, in the mess of emotions, you must take each one, recognize it, feel it, and then place it neatly on the shelf. If it is sadness, be sad; happiness? Be happy. If it is anger, be angry. Whatever the emotion, name it, take the time to truly feel it, and when it is time to move on, file it away. Turning to God in my grief and following that professor's advice got me through it all. In the end, there will be "beauty from pain".

"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." - James 4:8

Near to You
by A Fine Frenzy

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddenly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

A Tune for a Tuesday - See you in the Eucharist

The Beginning of the End . . .

Today, I said goodbye to my kids at the EDGE. And in keeping with my norm, I cried at both sessions when I gave my final words. I haven't really quite realized that I will not see them next week . . . likely, I will not see most of them again in our earthly life. I've always loved meeting new people, but I've always hated goodbyes . . .

After our party, the EDGE Core worked hard to clean up and put all of our props from the year back in storage. As the Core headed out the door, I walked back to our meeting room. It looked as though no one had even been there. As I turned to hit the lights, I stopped and looked around, taking that moment to reflect on my time here.

These past few months have been a whirlwind. I have been so busy and so stressed, that it has been hard to even notice the time passing. I knew then that I'd get to this point and be disappointed that I hadn't spent more time enjoying the moment. And there I stood tonight, thinking just that. That I couldn't believe it was already over. I wish I could have spent another year ministering to those kids, leading them to Christ and making more improvements for their program . . . but that's not what God has called me to . . . thy will be done, Lord.

As I move on to the next chapter in my life, I thank God for bringing me here. I would never take back the two years I've spent here. These kids will always hold a special place in my heart, and this parish family will always be a home to me.

Thank you to all those who have been a part of making my time in California a wonderful experience. For welcoming me in and making me a part of this community. I will miss you all dearly. I will undoubtedly be back to visit soon, but until then, "I will see you in the Eucharist".

I will meet you at the table
I will meet you in His heart
In the company of angels
In the place where all things start
We receive each other's presence
We are all made one in Him
Though I cannot see your face
I will see you in the Eucharist

Come and meet me at the table
Come and meet me in His heart
We'll be singing with the angels
Each man playing his own part
In the symphony of praises
We will join our song with His
Though I cannot hear your voice
We'll be speaking in the Eucharist

Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid

When we gather at the table
We are closer than our breath
Even nearer than the angels
When we touch His very flesh
Dwelling in each other's presence
I will hold you close inside
Every soul in heaven and earth
Now is present in the Body of Christ

Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid

We are pilgrims on a journey
We are headed for the throne
Carried on the wings of angels
Oh we do not walk alone
All our prayers we lay before Him
And His grace will pave the way
To lead us to our one true home
Where we'll see each other face to face

And do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid

I will meet you
I will hear you
I will hold you
I will receive you
I will see you in the Eucharist

Danielle Rose - See You in the Eucharist

Forget what’s behind and where I’ve been . . .

Today, I was especially troubled with unpleasant memories. Most days, I'm completely fine, but once in a while, this particular situation creeps up and catches me off-guard with memories of the past. Sometimes, I wish I was like God more. Well, of course we all wish that, but I particularly wish that I could really forget the past. Now, I know that God is all knowing, and doesn't truly "forget" things, but that He forgives us more fully than we can imagine. When we forgive, it is near impossible for us to fully forgive because of our sinful nature. But when God forgives, He forgives so richly that He does not think of us or treat us as though what we did happened. I'm not sure if I'm making a whole lot of sense here . . . I'll try to clarify.

Because we are human, it is extremely difficult for us to truly forgive. We may no longer harbor angry feelings at someone, but rarely do we treat them as though it never happened. If someone slaps you in the face, you may forgive them, but chances are you're going to be a bit apprehensive when that person moves their hand upward around you again. When someone betrays your trust, you may forgive them, but likely you don't trust them immediately, and maybe you will never fully trust that person again. All this, is because we are human. We can forgive and love someone who has hurt us, but it is a nearly impossible task for us to "forget" what happened, that is, think of them, treat them, and feel toward them as though your trust was never broken in the first place.

God, on the other hand, has that ability. God, in His infinite goodness and love, fully forgives us when we turn our backs on Him. He does not harbor any resentment toward us because of what we have done, nor does he think any less of us for betraying him. He does not love us any less, care for us any less, or hope in us any less. When He forgives us, it is as though He does not remember what we did, because He does not act the way we do when we remember how someone hurt us.

So today, as I was wishing I could "forget" as Our Lord does, the CD in my car played this song:

Yesterday has come, and that day is gone
But I can’t say I’m proud with what went on
So I’ll start again, ‘cause I want to win
Forget what’s behind and where I’ve been

Goodbye, Loneliness, goodbye tears
Goodbye yesterday and all those wasted years

I press on, always forward, on
I have set my eyes on the horizon
I press on, God lead me on I don’t
want to stop ‘til I get to heaven

I hope the time is near, cause I keep failing here
But I will not lose if I persevere
Yeah, these blows of God, they are blows of love
They may knock me down, but I get back up

Goodbye, Loneliness, goodbye tears
Goodbye yesterday and all those wasted years

I press on, always forward, on
I have set my eyes on the horizon
I press on, God lead me on
I don’t want to stop ‘til I get to heaven

- Joel Stein (Press On)

It is my prayer today, and all days when the past is something that is hard for me to "forget", that I will become more like God. That I will forgive more perfectly, love more deeply, and "forget" more completely. I pray that I can entirely trust those who I forgive. And as I contemplate the difficulty to forgive as God does, I realize more fully the omnipotence of God's forgiveness, and the imperfectness of ours. I thank God for his infinite ability to love and forgive perfectly. For giving His Son to pay for my sins. And I "press on, always forward, on" and strive to "forget what's behind and where I've been".

"We do not lose heart . . ."

2 Corinthians 4:1-18

Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart.

We have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways; we refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled only to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the likeness of God.

For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For it is the God who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God
in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, to show that the transcendent power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For while we live we are always being given up to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith as he had who wrote, "I believed, and so I spoke," we too believe, and so we speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed every day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Lord, help me to have faith in people when I lose hope. I know that, indeed, the transcendent power belongs to You and not to me. It is your ministry, and not my own. Lord, when people let me down, and it feels like everyone is failing, leaving you, and turning away, help me to know that your words are more powerful than mine, and prayer more powerful than the evil one. When I am perplexed by ignorance, apathy, and aragance, help me to not be driven to despair. Lord, give me Your love, Your understanding, Your words, Your actions, and Your prayers as I minister to your people. Help me to not lose heart, but hope in you!

- Your Stumbling Servant

A Tune for a Tuesday - Your Bride

Here I am - I offer you my hand.
The hour has arrived to celebrate our wedding feast.
And I know this was the Father's plan.
I was born to live for you were born to die for me.

Walking down the aisle I long to come to thee.
You are waiting there to marry me.
Walking down the aisle I long to come receive.
Your body, blood, soul, and divinity.

I am your bride,
I am one with my Beloved crucified.
As you offer me your body, I offer you my life
Now and always, I am yours -
I am your bride.

As you lift the veil before my eyes,
You gaze into my soul and say, "Beloved, you are mine."
And I know you take me as I am,
Loving me with all my sin you take me by the hand.

In my vows to you and yours to me,
Our covenant declared eternally,
Laying down our lives we consummate our love.
I cleave to you and to the cross.

This one is at last bone of my bones.
United as one flesh, our love becomes a home,
Where every child is welcome in our love's embrace.
Their lives reveal their Father's face.

Your Bride - Danielle Rose

This song was like buried treasure for me. I found it through an internet search. I've known Danielle Rose for years, but had not heard this album yet. My priest, and officiant of our wedding, told me to listen to "Holy Family" (a song I included in my previous post about St. Joseph). When searched for that song, I found "Your Bride" on the same album. This song has some of the most beautiful lyrics about Christ and the Church. Written about her entry into a religious order, this song has so many meanings!

It's a picture of:
Christ/Church
Bridegroom/Bride
Husband/Wife
Christ/Sister
Priest/Church

You MUST go check out this awesome song: http://popup.lala.com/popup/1657606185550498364

Why St. Joseph is so important to me . . . Episode 2

If you haven't read Episode 1, you may want to read it first! :)

. . . I praise God that I clung to Him during this time. I firmly believe that crisis' in life either make you, or break you. And though I was broken, this made me who I am today. God slowly and tenderly began to heal my heart. We broke up in March, and I finally truly forgave this man that summer, and was able to move on with my life. I was genuinely happy again, and just stoked for where God was leading me next. I was so happy to have moved past this time, and leave it all behind me.

It wasn't until November that God started moving in ways I wasn't expecting. I was leading a middle school youth group at the time, and our topic that night was "Are You Ready?" In small groups, we discussed many quesions. If today was the last day of your life, would you be going to heaven? If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, how would you spend your last 24 hours? But the one God used to show me his will was, "If today was your last day on earth, are there any relationships you would want to mend before you go?" I thought about how devastated I would be if this man died with the situation being as it was. I knew that if I died, he would be just as upset.

Immediately I knew that even though I forgave this man in my heart, I needed to tell him. God knew he needed to hear that. I decided to write him a letter. I put the topic on the back burner for a while, this wasn't a door I was excited to open. I knew that this letter would pull the bandage off the wound and pour peroxide inside. I knew it would clean it out and lead to healing, but I knew it was going to be painful.

A few days later, I was headed to dinner with a friend of mine. We were chatting and using our "outside voices" as we walked out the door of our dorm. Right as we walked out, a Eucharistic procession came around the corner. Our conversation immediately ceased, and we fell to our knees in silence as the Eucharist passed us. I quickly realized that God was speaking to me again, saying, "You're not ready, Amanda." I wasn't ready for Jesus that day. I didn't expect him to come and I wasn't prepared. It was clear that God was urgently telling me to write this letter.

I began to pray about what God wanted me to say, and when he wanted me to write it. Each time I would come to him in prayer, I would ask, "Do you still want me to write the letter." And his response was always, "Yes, but not yet." After about 4 weeks of this, he finally responded, "Yes, it's time."

I knew I needed to take time to write this letter in deep prayer. Each evening, I headed to adoration, prayed a novena to St. Joseph, and then write (and revise) the letter. On the fifth day of the nine, I got a letter in the mail. It was from him. I couldn't believe it! After nine months of literally no communication, we both wrote a letter at the same time. God is so good.

The letter was 7 pages long, explaining everything that had happened. He told me how deeply sorry he was for hurting me so badly. He explained the depression and how foggy things had gotten for him. He explained how difficult it had gotten for him to see the good in the relationship when we were arguing. He described the path he had chosen, and how much he regretted leaving God's path and heading down his own. He talked about hitting rock bottom and how horrible things had gotten. And then he talked about his slow return to God.

He said that he recently started going to Mass and praying again. And that during Mass more than a month prior to writing the letter, God intervened in a pretty big way. he said, "During mass, it felt like someone grabbed me firmly by the shoulders. Then a face appeared in front of me. He siad he didn't know if it was an angel or being or what, but it addressed him by name and basically told him 2 things: that he needed to get his life back on the right path, and that he needed to end the relationship he was in and wait for what God wanted for him.

That week, he ended the relationship, and slowly began trying to fix all the mistakes he had made. He explained that writing this letter was part of that. He told me he understood if I did not respond, and that that's not what he needed. That he just needed me to know that he was sorry for how he had hurt me.

Well, needless to say, I revised my letter a bit. I finished the novena, and sent my letter off 5 days later. During all of this, I never imagined that God would ask me to enter back into a relationship with him. I thought this was just healing and truly closing the chapter. We slowly began to talk, first through emails, and then, finally, I let him call me. After many tearful, emotional, and difficult conversations, we started to be able to talk again.

It was at this time that I asked him, "so, what was did it look like, seeing the angel or whatever?" "Well," he responded, "It wasn't like waht you would expect. It wasn't bright white or anything. I could only see his face. He had darker skin, dark hair, and a dark beard." We both paused and thought the same thing as I said outloud, "I think it was St. Joseph . . ."

I fully believe that it was St. Joseph that appeared to my now fiance. It was a clear answer to my daily prayer: "Lord, please send him someone to get him back on the right track. St. Joseph, please pray for him, protect him, and guide him." I remember later praying, "God, when I asked you to send someone to get him back on the right path, I was thinking a friend or something . . . but St. Joseph works too!"

And That is why this day, March 19th, St. Joseph's Feast Day, is quite possibly our favorite day of the whole year! I say with confidence that if it wasn't for God sending St. Joseph, I would not be engaged to this man, the man God clearly created for me!

Happy Feast of St. Joseph! :)

Holy Family-Danielle Rose

O loving Father make our home in Nazareth
where you may reign
A holy family of love where Jesus' manger lays

Help us to stay together Lord, in joy and sorrow as we pray
Teach us
to see Christ in disguise, upon each other's face, upon each other's face

Where two or more are gathered you reside
Mary be our Mother, Joseph
be our guide
to make your Son the center of our lives
Jesus may Your
name be glorified

We gather round our table blessed to share the
heavenly bread he gave
to strengthen us that we might serve our family with
grace
to love each other as you love with humble hearts and patient faith
and to forgive each other's faults as Jesus Christ forgave, as Jesus Christ
forgave.

Where two or more are gathered you reside
Mary be our
Mother, Joseph be our guide
to make your Son the center of our lives
Jesus may Your name be glorified

Help us take what 'ere you give and
give what 'ere you take from us
With smiles upon our faces as we place our
trust in You

Jesus may your name be Glorified

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Why St. Joseph is so important to me . . . Episode 1

Happy St. Joseph's Feast Day!

In October, I will be marrying the man that God created for me. We started our journey together six years ago as seniors in high school. We met when we both visited the same college (now my Alma Mater). He was from the city, I was from the country. We kept in touch and months later began to date.

Anyone who knows our story or has walked through our journey with us can tell you that our relationship has not been an easy one. We've been through our share of ups and downs.

I studied abroad in Italy the fall semester in 2006. It was during that trip that for the first time, God confirmed to me that this really was the man I was meant to marry. And it wasn't until that moment that I started to say "when we get married" instead of "if we get married".

I came home from studying abroad and shared my experience with my boyfriend. That Christmas break we looked at rings for the first time. We consecrated our relationship to St. Joesph (basically just officially asking the patron of purity and marriage, to pray for us). We began to move forward from dating to preparing for engagement. After a while, he began telling his friends (and a few of mine) that he was planning on "popping the question" and some of them knew his plans.

Long story, short (or just short-er), he didn't propose as he has planned. And shortly after the date of his planned proposal passed, he ended our relationship. I was devastated. I had never, and have never, felt my heart break before like this, but I really truly felt it. I sobbed for hours, and when Monday rolled around and I got up for classes, I just couldn't do it. I was somewhat well-known for always having a smile and being cheerful. I couldn't bring myself to pull it together and left that morning, driving the 4.5 hours home.

I spent a few days dealing with everything (and crying . . . a lot . . .) and really felt God was calling me not to give up on us quite yet. So, I asked if I could make the 2 hour detour on my way back to school to come talk to him. When I arrived, it was so clear that he wasn't thinking clearly. It was not until many months later that I learned he was going through some deep depression. All he kept saying was that he just wasn't happy anymore. I tried desperately to understand how he'd given up on 3 years for a two week rocky patch. In the end, I just couldn't reach him. He had already made his decision. I made it clear that if he wanted to turn around right now, and work back to where we were, that we could. If, however, I walked out that door in the same situation as I walked in, that this would be it. That this was not a break, that this was over. After many tears on both ends, and hitting the brick wall over and over, I accepted his decision and left.

I still hadn't quite given up on us yet. That next weekend, we both had school dances, and had planned on going to one of them together. Needless to say, I did not attend my dance. But, on Sunday, due to our dear friend "facebook", I learned quickly that he had gone to his dance, and he hadn't gone alone. I was completely devastated. After talking to him and verifying what I already knew to be true, I made it very clear that I never wanted to see him again. I told him . . . what I thought of him . . . that I couldn't believe he could do this and hurt me so badly, and that I never wanted to hear from him again. "I hate you. Never call or contact me again. You've lost me, forever. Get out of my life."

Years later, I can still remember saying these words. And in all of the mess, this is the only thing I regret: telling him I hated him. It was a lie. I didn't hate him. I was angry, deeply hurt, and shocked, but I never once hated him. And, that was it. I purged my life of him that week, throwing away everything that I had of our relationship. I deleted pictures, threw away gifts, and ended up deleting my facebook profile (many of his friends were my "friends" and also had pictures I just couldn't handle seeing). And when I finally did open my facebook again, I deleted him, and just about all of his friends, from my "friends".

I went through a few weeks of being unable to eat and throwing up every morning when I woke up to the real life nightmare (the one positive, I lost 10 lbs! haha). I fell into Jesus' arms, and just laid there . . . for days . . . letting him hold me as I sobbed in his arms. Slowly, though, I began to get up from this terrible fall. I began to attend mass every day, and clung to the Eucharist for strength to stand. Music was a huge source of strength for me (to this day, I still have my "break-up" playlist). I started to eat again, and then began to run. I would just run and run everyday. Thinking back, I think it was the only way I felt like I was moving forward. Running was my escape. I wanted so desperately for this man that knew everything about me not to know me anymore. And since I couldn't move or change my life, I began to change my body. I began to pray for him everyday. Each morning, it was a simple 2 sentence prayer: "Lord, please send him someone to get him back on the right track. St. Joseph, please pray for him, protect him, and guide him." I couldn't keep myself from praying for him, even when I wasn't sure it was good for me to keep thinking about him. Everyday, for 9 months, I prayed this prayer.

The only time I contacted the man that broke my heart was in an email a week later, to tell him I was sorry for saying I hated him. The only time he contacted me was a month later to let me know (by demand of a mutual friend, and my now maid-of-honor) that he was now dating the girl from the photographs I'd seen, and wanted me to hear from him. For 9 months, we had no contact. Due to mutual friends, I heard about him once in a while. I knew he had turned down the wrong path, away from God. I knew his relationship was not a good one. 7 months after we split, I heard about the depression. With that information, many of the things he had said the last time I saw him finally made sense.

So, why am I telling you all about the horrible break-up? Well, it's probably more for me than for you. Every time I re-tell the story, I re-live it, and heal a little bit more. But, the reason I began to tell you about all of this is so you can truly see the beauty of how God worked next . . .


I will post the conclusion of the story on a new post . . . this one has ended up being much longer than planned!

stay tuned for the next episode of "Days of Amanda's Life". haha.

Blinding Light

Have you ever looked at a bright light? At first, it may have been painful, but if you kept looking at it, your eyes adjusted and everything else seemed to disappear in the darkness? Ever think this experience would be a life lesson?

I've been having a difficult time lately focusing on God. It all started with not giving enough time to God in prayer. And when our relationship began to struggle, it became more difficult for me to live the life He asks me to live. It was harder to not be anxious about the future, harder to love in difficult situations, harder to keep my mind pure, and ultimately harder to stay away from the temptations of life. I was so frustrated with myself. I just kept falling short of what I was called to be. In the midst of this disappointment, I attended Catholic Underground (an amazing ministry in LA that starts with a holy hour and continues with some kind of artist "underground" in the basement of the Church).

During adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, the Church is dimmed and a spotlight is directed at the monstrance. At the particular location I (or rather God) had picked, the light hit perfectly on the metal to shine right into my eyes. At first, the blinding light hurt my eyes and I tried to avoid it, but then I realized that God was telling me something through this experience.

Instead of avoiding the light, I stared right into it. After moments of squinting and bearing the pain, my eyes adjusted to the light. It became easy to stare right at the monstrance. And the more I focused on Christ, the less I could see anything else. Everything outside of the path of light faded until it disappeared and I could only see the light. It was truly a "blinding light". And that's when it all made sense!

So many times in life, we get so distracted by everything and start stumbling along our path so much that we forget how to keep moving forward after we keep falling. Jesus was showing me that if I would only focus on Him, everything else wouldn't be so difficult. That the more I focused on Him, the more I would adjust and get used to focusing on Him. That if I'd only keep my eyes on Him, soon I wouldn't even be able to see the temptations that were in the darkness anymore. Just like focusing on the light made all that was out of it's path disappear, so would focusing on Christ make everything not in the path to Christ fade and disappear. He was showing me that it wouldn't be so difficult, I just needed to put my spiritual blinders on and focus on Christ!

As I began to re-center on Christ in my life, it wasn't long before everything that was distracting me in the shadows faded away into the darkness and disappeared.

Mondays Miracles - Leading Teens Closer to Christ

Today, my Monday Miracle is that I not only made it through last week, but with flying colors! Let me give you a little taste of my world . . .

I work as a Youth Minister in a Catholic Church. My position requires many hats, namely: Coordinator or EDGE Middle School Ministry (including first communion preparation), RCIA-Teen Coordinator, RCIA-Children Coordinator, and Lux Dei Young Adult Ministry Co-coordinator. Needless to say, this job has been quite literally full-filling. I often find that I end my days wondering what happened to my personal life. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. I've wanted to minister to the youth of Our Church since I myself was a youth. And every time I make that connection with a kid, I remember why I chose this profession.

The problem with my job is that I simply can't put all I want to in each of the ministries. I am not one to only do something half-way, so it's been a difficult journey. Though I am confident that each of the ministries I am leading are better now than they were when I moved to California, it's difficult for me to accept that I simply can't do everything. This past week proved me right!

My weeks schedule:
Monday - EDGE (Middle School Ministry with 180 kids attending one of two sessions)
Tuesday - RCIA adapted for Teens
Wednesday - RCIA adapted for Children (Penitetial Rite and Anointing of Catechumens)
Thursday - Interviews for 1st Reconciliation all day, class for the same kids that evening. Plan stations of the cross for Saturday's retreat.
Friday - Set up and prepare for Saturday's all day retreat (Many hours . . .)
Saturday - All Day RCIA-Teen Retreat (9am-9pm)
Sunday - RCIA 1st Scrutiny - My turn to dismiss with them to discuss the readings.

Needless to say, it was a LONG week. All this aside, I also got a difficult message from a friend at the beginning of the week. And just as a joke from God, he also decided to make this my . . . we'll say "emotional" week.

I was dreading the week just coming to work on Monday. But as the week slowly moved forward, I found that I was able to meet all off my responsibilities, come to peace with my friends message, and get my emotions somewhat under control. And as I trusted God with the crazy week ahead, He simply used me as an instrument in His plan.

Monday went pretty well, and the activity we used to process the Liturgy of the Word really taught the kids how to use the Bible for prayer. Tuesday was a little hectic when one of my catechists had to cancel last minute. But thanks to a wonderful team, the situation was quickly taken care of. Wednesday was the first time I lead a Rite all by myself, and it went rather smoothly. Many commented on the beauty of the event. Thursday began to get even more stressful. Every second of the 8 hours I worked was occupied by the day's scheduled activities. My interviewees actually went very well, and I think the kids enjoyed our activity on how to go to confession. The stations of the cross also went well and were somewhat planned by the time we finally left the building. Friday was a busy, yet enjoyable day. Filled with pulling together our resources to create a retreat environment and shopping for the days supplies and food. I spent most of the late evening/early morning fighting with my computer to make CDs.

Saturday came so quickly, and I was scared all day that it would go terribly wrong because of something I probably forgot. But fortunately for us, God had a plan. The retreat was long and took alot of work out of the team, but it was a beautiful retreat that I think really hit home with the kids. And very few things went wrong all day! :)

Thank you, God, for getting me through this week. Thank you for using me to get your work done in this world. I praise you for all you have done through me to "Lead Teens Closer to Christ".

A Tune for Tuesday

Well, today is not Tuesday . . . but who cares about boundaries! :)

I was searching the internet for different songs today, when I ran across this song. It may be well known to many, but it was a first listen for me. I grew still, listening to the simple, meaningful lyrics. It didn't take very many bars for tears to begin trickling down my cheaks.

In these simple words, is not our whole desire written? Is it not our simple desire to just do His Will? To be used by Him? How many times do I stumble and fall along the journey. Trying to do things right, to get things done on time, to make things perfect, when all we need to do is simply lay it at the foot of the cross and give our daily lives to Him. I pray this song moves you to lay all you have before our Lord today.

My Desire: Jeremy Camp

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone
laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all
down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose
inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be
set free today
Then lay it all down before the King

This is my
desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by You

You
want to be real, you want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to
feel You near
And I know my life
It's to do Your will
It's to do
Your will

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to
be used by You
Oo yea
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be
used by You

All my life I have seen
Where You've taken me
Beyond
all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can
do to repay all You've done
So I give my hands to use

This is my
desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You
Oo yea
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be used by You

Life or Death Decisions

Moses said to the people:
“Today I have set before you
life and
prosperity, death and doom.
If you obey the commandments of the LORD, your
God,
which I enjoin on you today,
loving him, and walking in his ways,
and keeping his commandments, statutes and decrees,
you will live and
grow numerous,
and the LORD, your God,
will bless you in the land you
are entering to occupy.
If, however, you turn away your hearts and will not
listen,
but are led astray and adore and serve other gods,
I tell you
now that you will certainly perish;
you will not have a long life
on the
land that you are crossing the Jordan to enter and occupy.
I call heaven and
earth today to witness against you:
I have set before you life and death,
the blessing and the curse.
Choose life, then,
that you and your
descendants may live, by loving the LORD, your God,
heeding his voice, and
holding fast to him.
For that will mean life for you,
a long life for
you to live on the land that the LORD swore
he would give to your fathers
Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.”
Dt. 30:15-20

Today was the second day of my Lenten Challenge, to attend daily Mass. This task wasn't quite as difficult when I was living at college (considering there were Masses each day from 7:15 am to 9:30 pm). But since I have graduated, it has become difficult for me to make a commitment. I willingly admit that it is because of my lack of self-discipline. I simply love to sleep, I can't help it! It is my hope that after completing this Lenten Challenge, I will easily be able to continue it as a Challenge for life.

I got myself out of bed this morning for the latest morning mass I could find in the area. 2 days down, 38 to go. Today's reading was Deuteronomy 30:15-20. God always has a way of making the daily mass readings exactly what I need to learn from that day.

Moses makes it pretty simple for us, and clearly puts it in black or white: Choose life, or choose death. It couldn't be put any simpler. But it really got me thinking. Every single step I take in life is either toward life, or toward death; toward heaven, or toward hell; toward God, or away from Him. Each morning that I decide my sleep is more important than meeting My Lord at Mass, each day I don't do my best at my job, each day I fail to spend enough time in prayer, I'm choosing death. It seems a little harsh . . . but it's entirely true!

In every decision we have, God sets before us "life and death, the blessing and the curse." Which will you choose? "Death and doom", or "life and prosperity"?

Let us, as Moses encourages us to do today, "CHOOSE LIFE"!

May this Lenten Season bring you new grown, purity, and life. May we always remember to strive for sainthood, aiming for heaven.

"Remember, man, you are dust and to dust you will return."

Yesterday, we began the journey of the season of Lent. For those readers who may not be Catholic, you have probably seen Catholics walking around with dirt on their foreheads. You may have heard Catholics talking about what they are "giving up for Lent" and saying "it's Friday, I can't eat meat." Often, this is about all that the general public knows of Lent, and sadly, many Catholics don't know much more.

Lent is the the liturgical season that begins on Ash Wednesday and ends on Holy Thursday. This season is 40 days long (not counting Sundays when we celebrate the Resurrection of Christ), commemorating the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert (which reflected the 40 years the Israelites spent wandering the desert). This season is a time of reflection, prayer, fasting, abstinence, and alms giving. It's an invitation to grow closer to Christ and prepare our hearts for Easter.

Ash Wednesday is a day that we particularly address the reality of sin and death. We stop to remember that we will leave this earth, it is not our home. On a very practical level, Lent is a time for us to examine our lives. It is a time for us to get our priorities straight and refocus on Our Lord. In a special way, we enter the desert with Christ during this season. We "give things up" in order to free our hearts for God.

This year, I'm giving up a habit that takes up much of my time each day. It is my hope to spend the time I will now have free focusing on God. Either reading spiritual books, the bible, praying, going to mass, etc. It is my intention this year to truly enter into the beauty of this season. To re-align my priorities and focus again on making each day focused on joining my will with My Lord. To remember that this Earth is not our Final Destination. And to remember, as we are reminded every year on Ash Wednesday that "we are dust, and to dust we will return."

“Remember, man, you are dust and to dust you will return.” Gen. 3:19

Forever he is free, You hold him now . . .

On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace

All my fear is swept away
In the light of your embrace
When Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name

"You Hold Me Now" by Hillsong

Today, my uncle and God-father went to be with Our Lord. He had been bravely battling the monster of pancreatic cancer, but after a valient effort, his battle and pain is now over.

I had just stepped off of the plane in Kansas City when I returned my mother's message. Not the most pleasant greeting to my Christmas vacation . . . I've been thinking about my dad, his brothers and sisters, my aunt, and my cousins alot, and praying that God holds them tight in His arms to ease their pain. As I contemplated if God was giving each of them the comfort they need in this difficult time, it was made evidently clear to me that, based on my own experiences, there is no doubt in my mind that He is doing just that.

Since I started dating my now fiance, I have lost 3 people in my life. Each time I heard the heartbreaking news, I was hours away from my family, but God gave me the blessing of placing Dan nearby to comfort me. The first, a life-long family friend that I shared most of my childhood vacations with. I was living in St. Louis at the time, and able to leave early from work and head straight to Dan's house. The second, my grandfather. I was at college at the time, 4 1/2 hours from home, but Dan happened to be visiting me that weekend and was sitting next to me when I got the phone call. And today, my Uncle Chuck. I had just met my fiance at the gate when I returned my mother's call.It's amazing how God always puts everything into place.

God is a comforting and loving Father. Even though we are joyful in knowing that our loved ones are finally with Him in heaven, he knows how difficult and painful it is for us to see them go and continue life on earth without them. So here is my moment of clarity: I can guarantee that in each of the situations I mentioned above, I was not the first person that God needed to comfort at the time. If God was taking so much care to place me in situations that would provide cushioning for the grief, he must be taking that much more care of those who are closest to that loved one.

Thank you, Lord, for your unending love and care for your grieving children. Please continue to comfort and hold my family in your arms as we endure the heartache, especially my aunt.

My greatest memories of my uncle: When he, his wife, and another aunt and uncle came to visit me while I studied abroad in Italy. They bought me my first drink of alcohol for my 21st birthday (Italian wine, of course)! The days throughout my life that we would go to Sunday Mass and see Uncle Chuck. It was always a pleasant surprise and gift to see him when he was in town. The times he was goofy and silly; when he was most joyful. When he and my aunt witnessed my baptism an pledged to teach me about Christ. (ok, so I don't remember this, but it is great!)

Uncle Chuck, thank you for your presence in my life, when you knew you were making a difference and when you didn't. We love you and will miss you until we meet again.

For the repose of the soul of Chuck Stack: Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

Most faithful God, lively is the courage of those who hope in You. Your servant Chuck suffered greatly, but placed his trust in Your mercy. Confident that the petition of those who mourn pierces the clouds and finds an answer, we beg You, give rest to Chuck. Do not remember his sins, but look upon his sufferings and grant him refreshment, light, and peace. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Isaiah 40:29-31
He gives strength to the weary, and strenght to the powerless . . . They that hope in the LORD will renew their strength, they will soar as with eagles' wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

A Blog I'd like to share with the blogging world

A friend from college has an amazing story being told at this blog. I strongly suggest everyone read about her and her husbands little saint. :)

Baby Cronister Updates

Miracle Monday: October 19, 1985

Monday's Miracle: My Birth!

Today was my birthday! I should be excited, but it felt just like any other day. I couldn't help but be homesick for the days of waking up to college roommates who decorated and made the day something special. It's a reality that I'm not in college anymore and I will no longer live in the dorms, but I'm finding it difficult to grasp.

I don't expect things to be different now than it currently is, and I'm not complaining! My parents were great today. They called this morning to tell me to go pick up the cake they'd ordered for me. :) I took it to the office where a staff member had made me a cake and the staff had a little party for me at our 3:00 break. My small group leaders had the kids sing happy birthday to me. But even with it all, it just didn't seem like my birthday. I think I'm just getting old.

But in any case, I thought a great first Monday Miracle would be the miracle of Life! :)

On this day, I am thinking of all those in my generation that were not allowed to live long enough for their own birthdays. What a horrible injustice! In this Pro-life Month I pray for a change of heart, an education of those that are ignorant, and for each of us to fight to end the killing of the most innocent of human life!

Reminiscing on days past . . .

Today, I took a trip down memory lane . . . I walked past good times, bad times, the best times, and the worst times.













My first stop was remembering the summer I spent on summer staff at Life Teen camps. I remembered flying into Atlanta and meeting everyone for the first time, waiting for Andrew (our latest arrival) and freaking him out as we bombarded him asking if he was Andrew. I remember David playing a joke on me before I even knew his name. The drive to Tiger was beautiful, and I'll never forget my first view of Covecrest. We were all so excited as we entered the staff cabin and claimed our beds.

I thought of the first week of summer staff training and retreat. I remembered the letter I wrote to me from God. I remember sitting in the garden at Mike's Place allowing God to heal my heart as He helped me to forgive. I remember Doro yelling to turn off alarm clocks, Anna's alarm (It's a Great Day to be Alive), and the packed shower house each day. I remember sleeping until the last minute before walked the peaceful path to the lodge to sing the "Wake Up Song" each morning. I remember praying in the Chapel. I will never forget the first time we walked to the waterfall. It was, and remains, one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.

I remember becoming great friends with some of the most beautiful people I have met, learning from them, and growing with them. I remember girl bonding time in the staff cabin. I remember Sarah's strength, Jennifer's caring heart, Kimberly's determination and ability to get the job done. I remember breaking open Andrew's shy shell and making him dance. I remember Rosko's support and talking with her about life and love, Francis' crazy humor, and Lisa's beautiful pictures. I remember star gazing with Caleb and the girls, the beauty of Sara and Paul's relationship and the hope it brought to me, and Adam's passion for the ministry. I remember Jason's inspiring words, Tina's spunky-ness, and getting to know Anna more than I had at BC. I remember Dot and Nick's maturity. I remember the prayer Holly gave me and David's love for each person he encountered. I remember our Austrians, Ben, Ramund,and Sam, and learning their German phrases. I remember Julie's patience and Katie's joy. I remember doing low ropes with Karyn (and failing to stay straight enough to make it to the end) and her positive attitude. I remember Liz's ability to focus on the task at hand and Doro's carefree excitement. I remember Molly's silliness and Tara's gorgeous smile. I remember Ty being able to make friends with everyone, Bradley being great with the less interested or difficult kids, and Ryan's deep thinking. I remember an amazing summer staff full of wonderful people.

I remember the first day with campers, our crazy pirate rule skit, Ty singing about bears, and talking with David and the campers that came to the "I don't really want to be here" groups. I remembered long days, ropes courses, water games, and snaps. I thought about our staff meetings each night (that just simply couldn't stay focused . . . and progressively got worse), meeting with the Tepeyac staff each evening, Bradley and Francis' crazy tangents of . . . craziness! I remember going "all in", lives being changed, and friends being made. I remember white water rafting with Ryan and popping out of the raft to get an amazing bruise. I remember praying night prayer with Nick and Dot. I remember the mud pit and Andrew and I sacrificing for the kids and jumping in together.

I remember the Tepeyac crew's last night in Georgia, doing laundry with Andrew, talking with Nick and Dot outside the cabins when Nick gave me a passage that would speak to me, watching Ty and Bradley dance to "Carry on my Wayward Son". I remember our last day at Covecrest, Mass, "You'll Never Let Go", group pictures, crying so ridiculously hard, driving away.

I remember the person I was when I arrived not being the person I was when I left. I remember my relationship with God, how he comforted me and took great care of my heart as he nursed it back to health and pieced it back together. I remember letting go. I remember being able to move forward with great excitement for what God's plan was for me. I remember my joy, peace, and acceptance.

I will never forget the two weeks I spent at Covecrest. It was there that my heart was healed and my life was changed.



Words that describe this stop on memory lane: forgiveness, healing, growth, love, friendships, God, blessings, life changing, the best summer of my life

Wednesday's Wardrobe

It's been quite the week since my last post! I have miserably failed to continue my daily reflections . . . ugh. But I have good reason!

The day following my most recent post was very eventful! My boyfriend of 5 years (give or take a bit) proposed! The story is amusing, but rather long. But . . . I figured I'd use this as a perfect "wardrobe" change!














This is it! I am engaged to the man of my dreams! He's wonderful, dorky, sweet, and God's perfect match for me. And this wardrobe change symbolizes alot more than just a change in wardrobe. My whole life from this week on will be focused and planned around this one man.

What a beautiful and complex thought. I'm so eager and excited to start my life with him, the rest of my life! :) This is the best wardrobe change I could ask for! :D

Have a wonderful weekend bloggers! I'll be back again next Tuesday with a Tune!

Thoughtful Thursday

I'm not sure Thursday's will stay "thoughtful", but right now, I don't have the time or energy to talk about "travels". So, thoughtful it is!

Thought of the Day:

"Every time that we do something we don't particularly "want" to do, out of our love for God or out of obedience, there is grace. Every time we put others' needs before our own, in humble acts of service, there is grace. Every time we endure hardship for the sake of our vocation, the gospel or Christ's Church, there is grace. ----------- Put simply, truly embracing your vocation means embracing what God wants you to do each day, not what you "feel like" doing. It means putting God first, not yourself."- Mark Hart (aka "The Bible Geek")

I remember the first time I read this. I had a great need to let go of my own desires and embrace The Father's plan. In reading this quote again today, I needed to hear it once again, but for completely different reasons. (and almost the opposite reason . . .)

The first time I read it, I was learning to let go of the future I had planned with someone. I learned to accept and embrace with joy God's plan for me to move wherever he needed me. Now, the lesson I'm constantly trying to allow God to teach me is to be patient and wait for the future I have planned with someone until it is God's time. I need to learn to accept that even though I am not where I want to be, I am where God wants me to be; and since it is where God wants me, I must make it my desire. I must learn to "embrace what God wants of me each day, not what I 'feel like' doing."

Ask anyone close to me and they'll tell you, I have not learned this lesson yet. Patience is my least favorite virtue to work on!

letting it out

Today, I've decided I won't be insightful or optimistic. For whatever reason, I'm just not in a good mood. I feel like I'm consistently trying to stay afloat, do my best, and keep a joyful attitude, but quite frankly, I am sick of swimming. I just want to give up for a while. There's a great deal to be said for summer vacations . . . I wish the whole world took summer vacation. I miss the days that I could do something totally different for 2 or 3 months of my life and take my mind off of my normal life to regroup and gear up for another round. Those days are over . . . and the more and more I enter into the "big kid life" the more I miss college, my friends, and my community.

It's funny, the normal me would be positive right now. She'd keep her chin up, know God has her in a place for a reason, and knows that she can be happy no matter where God has her. But it seems that it is more and more difficult to keep my head up. Day by day, I wonder where that girl is. Where is the normal me? The positive me? I've been trying to keep my head up, to put on a happy face for people. Because when people ask how life is going for me, they want to hear that things are great. But the truth is, I hate being away from my boyfriend. I really don't like California that much. And my job, well, it's not what I expected.

So . . . that's that. I said it. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, but as of now, I'd love nothing more than to be living back in the loft with the girls.