From a Bride-to-be's Kitchen!

If you were sitting with me as I write this, you'd smell the aroma of fresh-baked banana bread coming from the kitchen! It is such a joy to have a kitchen! You may be accustomed to your own, and think I'm a little crazy for being so excited about mine, but this is my first kitchen! During my four years of college, I lived in the dorms and never had a kitchen past a refrigerator and microwave. When i moved to California, my tiny garage-renovated apartment had a small stove, but no oven and little counter space. (Is it silly that I miss that little space anyway? It was perfectly cozy!) Now, in the townhouse that will become the home for my fiance and I in just 25 days, I'm sitting at the kitchen table (borrowed from my wonderful cousin) waiting for the loaf of banana bread to be ready to come out of the oven!

Ask anyone that knows me well and they'll tell you that I'm not a cook. I would argue that this has less to do with my ability to cook and more to do with my lack of opportunity to cook. I have loved making new recipes since I've moved into the new place! And I think my lovely fiance would agree that most of them have turned out to be quite delicious!

Be prepared for my new blog, coming soon: From the Newly Wed's Table . . . or something like that!

I'll leave you with this delicious, and very simple, recipe from the Alpha-bakery Cookbook by Betty Crocker!

3/4 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups mashed bananas (3 large bananas)
3/4 cup vegetable oil
2 eggs
2 cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. vanilla
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 cup chopped nuts, optional

Heat oven to 325 degrees. Grease a loaf pan. Mix sugar, bananas, oil, and eggs in a large bowl with a wooden spoon. Stir in remaining ingredients. Pour into pan. Bake until a wooden pick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 60-70 minutes. Let cool in pan 10 minutes, then loosen sides of loaf from pan and remove from pan. Let cool completely before slicing.
 

Living a New Life . . . still for Christ

Some of you may have been wondering what happened to me . . . or maybe no one did! Regardless, I'm going to let you know. :-)

I have gone through so many life changes since my last post that I could write a whole blog just about them! In short, I have said goodbye to California (the place I had just learned to call home), packed up my little apartment, drove cross-country with my fiance back to Missouri, lived with my parents while begging God to give me and my fiance jobs, we both found jobs in Kansas City, and I moved to Kansas City and started my new job. Whew, that's a lot in just over a month! I've been completely consumed ever since with preparing for my wedding that is just less than a month away! It's been such a whirlwind since I left California that I can hardly comprehend it all.

Leaving California was heart-breaking. There were small sobbs at my last Mass at StP2 and quiet tears as I watched the last car filled with my friends pull out of the parking lot from my going away party, knowing it was likely the last time I would see them for quite a long time. Saying goodbye to friends and the parish that became my family was something surreal at the time, but is slowly setting in these days. Some days I still feel like I'm just on vacation . . . that's lasted a long time. Other days it hits me like a freight train that I'm not going back to California, at least not any time soon. :-\ Looking back, I don't think I realized how much of a family I had found in the parish. I often find myself wishing the parish I am now at was as warmly welcoming as StP2. Most of all, I miss the friends I made.

Now don't misunderstand, I love being close to my family again, seeing my close college friends again, and most of all, seeing my fiance on a regular basis for the first time since we started dating in 2004. Regardless, I left a piece of my heart in California, and it has not gone unnoticed.

This is to you Cali, thanks for welcoming me as family and sending me off with much love!

The Healing Hand of God

I was on my way home on this horrible day when I heard this song. I knew right away that it was no coincidence. Today, a tragic school bus accident took the life of a beautiful teen in my hometown. When I was in high school, Jessica was such a sweet kid that I often talked to after Sunday Mass. She held a special place in my heart, as does her whole family. She grew into a wonderful young woman, and the loss of her life will affect the whole community.

Lord, please hold the Brinker family close to your heart during this most difficult time. Please give them the strength and courage of your mother, Mary, as they mourn the loss of their child and sister. Hold the students of John F. Hodge in your healing hands. As this school year starts, be in the hallways as they walk them without their dear friend. Hold the Red Regiment Marching Band together as they march with a hole in their line. Please carry the whole St. James community through this terrible time. And please open the gates of heaven wide to accept your daughter, Jessica.

May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
Ashley Scanlon-Smith, pray for us.

The Healing Hand of God - Jeremy Camp

I have seen the many faces of fear and of pain
I have watched the tears fall plenty from heartache and strain
So if life's journey has you weary and afraid
There's rest in the shadow of His wings

I have walked through the valleys, the mountains, and plains
I have held the hand of freedom that washes all my stains
If you feel the weight of many trials and burdens from this world
There's freedom in the shelter of the Lord

And I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out
The healing hand of God

And I have touched the scars upon His hands to see if they were real
He has walked the road before me, he knows just how I feel
When you feel that there's not anyone, who understands your pain
Just remember all of Jesus' suffering

'Cause I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out

Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you
He's near to the broken and confused
By His stripes our spirit is renewed
So enter in the joy prepared for you

I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out

The healing hand of God
The healing hand of God
The healing hand of God

And hold on to what's being held out
(Hold on)
And hold on to what's being held out
(Hold on)
The healing hand of God, oh, oh

A Tune for a Tuesday - See you in the Eucharist

The Beginning of the End . . .

Today, I said goodbye to my kids at the EDGE. And in keeping with my norm, I cried at both sessions when I gave my final words. I haven't really quite realized that I will not see them next week . . . likely, I will not see most of them again in our earthly life. I've always loved meeting new people, but I've always hated goodbyes . . .

After our party, the EDGE Core worked hard to clean up and put all of our props from the year back in storage. As the Core headed out the door, I walked back to our meeting room. It looked as though no one had even been there. As I turned to hit the lights, I stopped and looked around, taking that moment to reflect on my time here.

These past few months have been a whirlwind. I have been so busy and so stressed, that it has been hard to even notice the time passing. I knew then that I'd get to this point and be disappointed that I hadn't spent more time enjoying the moment. And there I stood tonight, thinking just that. That I couldn't believe it was already over. I wish I could have spent another year ministering to those kids, leading them to Christ and making more improvements for their program . . . but that's not what God has called me to . . . thy will be done, Lord.

As I move on to the next chapter in my life, I thank God for bringing me here. I would never take back the two years I've spent here. These kids will always hold a special place in my heart, and this parish family will always be a home to me.

Thank you to all those who have been a part of making my time in California a wonderful experience. For welcoming me in and making me a part of this community. I will miss you all dearly. I will undoubtedly be back to visit soon, but until then, "I will see you in the Eucharist".

I will meet you at the table
I will meet you in His heart
In the company of angels
In the place where all things start
We receive each other's presence
We are all made one in Him
Though I cannot see your face
I will see you in the Eucharist

Come and meet me at the table
Come and meet me in His heart
We'll be singing with the angels
Each man playing his own part
In the symphony of praises
We will join our song with His
Though I cannot hear your voice
We'll be speaking in the Eucharist

Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid

When we gather at the table
We are closer than our breath
Even nearer than the angels
When we touch His very flesh
Dwelling in each other's presence
I will hold you close inside
Every soul in heaven and earth
Now is present in the Body of Christ

Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid

We are pilgrims on a journey
We are headed for the throne
Carried on the wings of angels
Oh we do not walk alone
All our prayers we lay before Him
And His grace will pave the way
To lead us to our one true home
Where we'll see each other face to face

And do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid

I will meet you
I will hear you
I will hold you
I will receive you
I will see you in the Eucharist

Danielle Rose - See You in the Eucharist

Emotions

So much is going on in my life right now. Would you like to know how I feel about it?

STRESSED! - I move in just a little over a month. And as of right now, I do not have a job or a place to live when I get there. Just when I thought things were going to work out, my fiance was let go at work and is now searching for a job too. UGH! Wrapping up a job, packing up an apartment, moving accross the country, finding a new job, finding a new place to live, planning a wedding, preparing for marriage. . . . that is just TOO much to deal with at once!

Frustrated - With our situation. Wondering why God is giving us all these obstacles. Isn't there enough stress and things to deal with if the transition went as smoothly as possible? I'll admit it, I'm frustrated with God. I know He has a plan, but I'm not too happy with Him for not letting us know what it is yet!


In Love - Yes, I'm in love! lol. Despite all of this confusion and frustration, I'm trying to remember the end of the tunnel: being in the same state as my fiance! It's going to be so great to see him on a regular basis again. To see him more than on skype and to have real dates, not just our wednesday night online dates! Yes, that's right, we spend our "date nights" playing games online against each other . . . it's all we have, don't judge us!

Excited! - Excited to be with my fiance. Excited for something new. Excited to see my dear friends again. Excited for dates. Excited too see my family. Excited to get moving on wedding plans. Excited to see my neices and nephew. Excited for seasons (yes, even winter . . . it has its charm). Excited to possibly serve my Alma Mater. Excited to be closer to marriage. Excited to have a new place to live. Excited to have a washer and dryer! Hopefully excited for a dishwasher. :)

Sad - Sad to leave California. Sad that I haven't nearly seen everything I wanted to. Sad to leave the ocean. Sad to leave the warm weather (yes, I'm completely torn between the two climates). Sad to see this chapter close. Sad to leave my adorable apartment. Sad to leave my job. Sad that I haven't done everything I planned to do with the ministries. Sad to cut this adventure short. Sad to leave new friends. Sad to leave the mountains. Sad to go back to humidity (it seriously sucks!). Sad that there is so little time left. Sad that I will likely never live here again. Sad to say goodbye.

Nervous - About the unknown. I know that God's got it all under control, but I'm so very anxious about how it's all going to work out. If I don't have a job, I don't have money to pay the bills . . . and that's not good! I just don't know what's going to happen, and that makes me nervous.

Sick - With all this emotion, I'm sick. Both emotionally and physically. Sick to my stomach. I have headaches frequently. Can't fall asleep. Wake up in the middle of the night. I can hardly focus on the things that need to get done, which makes me even more stressed. I'm ready for this time to be over, but there's so much that I need to do before it is!

Completely Mixed Up - SO MANY EMOTIONS! I can't seem to get them straight. Excited, nervous, happy, sad, sick, frustrated, stressed . . . I just can't handle it all at once. Ugh, I'll be happy when all this is over. But when it's all over, that means I'll be gone . . . and that makes me sad. Oh dear . . .

Forget what’s behind and where I’ve been . . .

Today, I was especially troubled with unpleasant memories. Most days, I'm completely fine, but once in a while, this particular situation creeps up and catches me off-guard with memories of the past. Sometimes, I wish I was like God more. Well, of course we all wish that, but I particularly wish that I could really forget the past. Now, I know that God is all knowing, and doesn't truly "forget" things, but that He forgives us more fully than we can imagine. When we forgive, it is near impossible for us to fully forgive because of our sinful nature. But when God forgives, He forgives so richly that He does not think of us or treat us as though what we did happened. I'm not sure if I'm making a whole lot of sense here . . . I'll try to clarify.

Because we are human, it is extremely difficult for us to truly forgive. We may no longer harbor angry feelings at someone, but rarely do we treat them as though it never happened. If someone slaps you in the face, you may forgive them, but chances are you're going to be a bit apprehensive when that person moves their hand upward around you again. When someone betrays your trust, you may forgive them, but likely you don't trust them immediately, and maybe you will never fully trust that person again. All this, is because we are human. We can forgive and love someone who has hurt us, but it is a nearly impossible task for us to "forget" what happened, that is, think of them, treat them, and feel toward them as though your trust was never broken in the first place.

God, on the other hand, has that ability. God, in His infinite goodness and love, fully forgives us when we turn our backs on Him. He does not harbor any resentment toward us because of what we have done, nor does he think any less of us for betraying him. He does not love us any less, care for us any less, or hope in us any less. When He forgives us, it is as though He does not remember what we did, because He does not act the way we do when we remember how someone hurt us.

So today, as I was wishing I could "forget" as Our Lord does, the CD in my car played this song:

Yesterday has come, and that day is gone
But I can’t say I’m proud with what went on
So I’ll start again, ‘cause I want to win
Forget what’s behind and where I’ve been

Goodbye, Loneliness, goodbye tears
Goodbye yesterday and all those wasted years

I press on, always forward, on
I have set my eyes on the horizon
I press on, God lead me on I don’t
want to stop ‘til I get to heaven

I hope the time is near, cause I keep failing here
But I will not lose if I persevere
Yeah, these blows of God, they are blows of love
They may knock me down, but I get back up

Goodbye, Loneliness, goodbye tears
Goodbye yesterday and all those wasted years

I press on, always forward, on
I have set my eyes on the horizon
I press on, God lead me on
I don’t want to stop ‘til I get to heaven

- Joel Stein (Press On)

It is my prayer today, and all days when the past is something that is hard for me to "forget", that I will become more like God. That I will forgive more perfectly, love more deeply, and "forget" more completely. I pray that I can entirely trust those who I forgive. And as I contemplate the difficulty to forgive as God does, I realize more fully the omnipotence of God's forgiveness, and the imperfectness of ours. I thank God for his infinite ability to love and forgive perfectly. For giving His Son to pay for my sins. And I "press on, always forward, on" and strive to "forget what's behind and where I've been".

"We do not lose heart . . ."

2 Corinthians 4:1-18

Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart.

We have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways; we refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled only to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the likeness of God.

For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For it is the God who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God
in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, to show that the transcendent power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For while we live we are always being given up to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith as he had who wrote, "I believed, and so I spoke," we too believe, and so we speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed every day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Lord, help me to have faith in people when I lose hope. I know that, indeed, the transcendent power belongs to You and not to me. It is your ministry, and not my own. Lord, when people let me down, and it feels like everyone is failing, leaving you, and turning away, help me to know that your words are more powerful than mine, and prayer more powerful than the evil one. When I am perplexed by ignorance, apathy, and aragance, help me to not be driven to despair. Lord, give me Your love, Your understanding, Your words, Your actions, and Your prayers as I minister to your people. Help me to not lose heart, but hope in you!

- Your Stumbling Servant